5 year old not coping with school - any suggestions?

[TechnoKitten]

My 5 year old has been going to school for 3 weeks now - here they start the day they turn 5 so there are lots of new entrants throughout the year, rather than all starting on the same day.

The class he is in has around 15 children in it, a couple more have started since he did.

He's not settling in at all - the class "isn't warming" to him, according to the teacher. Anyone she tries to buddy him up with copes for the day but then doesn't want to sit with him or play with him or anything else the next day.

Last week he said he'd been playing with a group of kids and was settling in happily - at the end of the week we challenged this as it didn't seem to be matching what the teacher was telling us. Turns out he was making it up because he wanted to be playing with them but they didn't want him so he watched or played by himself, but told us he'd been with them because that's what he'd really wanted to have happened (and he thought it would make us happy).

Today, the parent of the child he'd been buddied up with yesterday said her child had come home upset because mine had hit him.

I asked him, he denied it for a long time and then finally admitted to hitting the boy because the bell had rung, the boy went back inside and my boy wanted to stay outside and play.

He is definitely a bossy know-it-all and we are trying to address that behaviour. However one of his problems is that he doesn't see why he needs to sit down and learn with the rest of the class stuff he knows already - and to be fair to him, he can already read, write and is up to basic multiplication and division in maths. He says he's bored doing ABC and 1+1 in the afternoon and would rather play.

I have told him - time and again - that hitting is not on and I don't accept any reasons for him hitting someone else.

But at the same time I think it's a symptom of a deeper problem that needs to be sorted out before he gets labelled a troublemaker and burns too many bridges.

Sorry this is so long! I've tried talking to his teacher, she laughs it off with "he won't get bored here" ... so I don't quite know what to do now. If you've made it this far, any suggestions?

I wouldn't expect him to be bored in reception tbh - most of the activities are child-led, so he should be able to go at his own pace. Besides, most of the kids are probably reading/writing by this stage in the year, so that isn't particularly unusual.

It isn't unusual for children to be bossy at this age either, and I wouldn't worrry about that too much - they soon realise that it makes them unpopular! Maybe try to find out from the teacher exactly what he is doing to put the other kids off - is it the bossiness, or is there something else that you might be able to help him with?

Don't worry too much - it's still early days yet, he'll probably settle in soon!

Meant to add - I think you and the teacher need to take a unified approach to any physical violence so that he is clear that this is absolutely unacceptable. Presumably the school already has sanctions in place for this sort of thing?

Meant to add - I think you and the teacher need to take a unified approach to any physical violence so that he is clear that this is absolutely unacceptable. Presumably the school already has sanctions in place for this sort of thing?

There are sanctions for physical violence but it seems his stems more from silliness than malice - e.g. the hitting episode yesterday was a result of him spinning wildly round in circles, losing control and slapping the other boy across the chest as a result. I have tried sanctions for silliness but they aren't working, especially when he's tired.

Will definitely go back for yet-another-chat with his teacher although I expect I'm turning into a heart-sink parent...

I really don't want this to turn into a stealth boasting thread* but I think he honestly is bored with some of the lessons, and doesn't yet have the concentration span to be able to cope with some of the others.

*obviously as my PFB he is brilliant and a genius and unique! I recognise he gets these traits from his mother... along with the bossiness....

FWIW it took my DD 2 terms to really settle in and make friends. She started in September and just turned 5. It's a lot to take in, all the new kids, the routine, not always being able to do what you want to do, etc.

She does a couple of outside classes that she really enjoys, I think that's helped in terms of confidence and attention span. Because she wants to do what's being taught, she caught on to the idea that sitting and listening is sometimes necessary. She's also made some outside friends.

Are you in the southern hemisphere? Is this near the start of the reception year?

But at the same time I think it's a symptom of a deeper problem that needs to be sorted out

What kind of problem do you think it might be?
Do you think he might have SN? Do you want him seen by someone?

Has he been to nursery / playgroup? Did he have any social problems there?

Could you invite some other children from his class for play dates? If you invited them one at a time, your ds would have the chance to get to know them one-on-one. If this goes well it will help strengthen relationships at school. If there are problems with the way your ds is relating, these may show themselves and you will have a clearer idea of the issues to address.

i'd be very surprised if a child was bored in reception, especially after only 3 weeks.
is there construction/ building toys, sand/water play, puzzles/jigsaws, dressing up, maths games, art activites, painting/printing, science investigations going on? they might even do cooking, playing outside with a whole variety of equipment that changes frequently, on the other hand if it is just maths and writing worksheets then he might be bored, but he won't be the only one feeing this way.
its very early days to worry, although the teachers comment that the 'class' aren't warming to him sounds odd, they're all little individuals and some might be feeling quite insecure and will have barely uttered a word, so its not like they're a united group yet, especially as new children are still starting.
it takes time to adjust to new faces/ routines etc, so give him time, but as advised you need to agree with the teacher how you are both going to deal with this slightly silly behaviour, yes you dont want him to get labelled, but you also dont want him to get used to behaving like this, behaviour patterns can form quite quickly at this age.
the only time i used the 'buddy' idea in rec was if someone new started and was not used to the new routines, children generally want to do their own thing in rec and not have to follow someone around/ be followed around, but play dates sound like a good idea.

Yes, we're southern hemisphere. School year runs Jan - Dec so about half way through.

No sand/water/construction play - most days there is reading, writing, numeracy and sport. Once a week they do music.

We tried playdates - the kids we asked said they didn't want to come :(

Yes, he had lots of friends in nursery (had 4 mornings a week 8-2 for the last 2 years) - he's had a letter from one friend sent via nursery to say she misses him and a very happy day playing with another over the weekend.

Not sure what the deeper problem is (hence being awake at 2am worrying!) but this sad boy who doesn't want to go to school isn't my sunny boy who adores learning! Just don't know how I can help him.

Lots of kids find it hard to fit in when they have to join a group that already exists, so it could easily just be that. Sounds like a fair few of the kids have been there for a while, so they'll have already paired up/ made friends. I'd trust the teacher to help him through. I'd bet she'll have seen it all before.

Am intrigued though, as it sounds very different to our reception class. Lots of free play and very little formal learning where we are.

TechnoKitten, I think this is confusing for us because the system is different in the UK and where you are
In the UK children start a little younger (4.0 to 5.0) in England and Wales, but the first year is Reception and is a kind of bridging year between Nursery and proper school
From what I understand where you are the children start at 5 but straight into an environment which is more like our Year 1 (age 5.0 to 6.0 at the beginning of the year), and because the children start at exactly 5 they are all starting at different times

So us UK people might all be a bit useless because the system is so different!
From what I have seen so far most children are only to pleased to show they already know some of the work the class is covering, at least for a while. I would suspect it's just as likely that he is just struggling to sit still for long periods if this is what's expected of him, and would much rather play, as opposed to bored because he knows it all already.
He's only been there 3 weeks, very early days in terms of settling in to worry about friendships.

So as he hit one child unintentionally while being silly, and hasn't made friends yet? Because that doesn't sound like anthing much to worry about to me. But maybe you have other concerns too?

that sounds really sad technokitten

i would ask the teacher if there are any children he seems drawn to so that you can invite them round or if there is any reason she can see why they would be unwilling to play with him... perhaps she can shed some light on that?

do you know many of the other mums? if so could you talk with them and just say that he's finding it really difficult to settle and you'd like to arrange some playdates, even if it's a group of you going to the park after picking them up from school rather than 1-2-1... it would mean you could observe him and see how the others are treating him

failing that, are they allowed toys in school? if so buy him whatever the coolest toy atm is and let him take it in
yes, it seems wrong to do that, but if it makes the others play with him for a bit they might find that actually he isquite cool after all

You mentioned that the kids you asked to playdates didn't want to come. I'd try speaking to the parents either before or after school and try to build friendships from there.

My DS1 was also a livewire in his first year at school (Scotland - so no reception year as a bridge between nursery and schooll. The teacher said she thought he may be hyperactive. I did a little research on line and it seems that there are quite a few child psychologists who think that a lot of children, boys in particular, aren't well suited to formal education until they are 6 or 7. I think there may well be some truth in that. DS1 started school when he was 4 but now he is 6 his behaviour seems to be much more settled.

Well, today he tried to endear himself by announcing that he was a genius. How not to win friends and influence people...

From talking to the teacher, he has 2 problems - 1 is coping with the formally structured day, lesson span, classroom etiquette side of things - and this one he is gradually improving with. The second is more difficult - he learns by memorising rather than logical deduction. They want the latter so that he can see how to stretch himself or push himself rather than be spoonfed fact and method. In essence they feel he should already have learned how to learn for himself - that he hasn't means he gets frustrated easily (and they with him).

So either stuff is too easy - because he knows it - or too difficult because he doesn't and can't work it out. Sadly they couldn't give us any examples of ways we can encourage him so guess I'll be at the library over the weekend looking for books on how to encourage different learning styles!

As far as the social side goes, he doesn't seem to have found anyone to gel with. Hoping that will improve as time goes by. I'll try and make friends with other mums but mostly he's dropped off & picked up by his dad (I work FT) and tbh, they all intimidate me!

if he can memorise facts, then he's doing ok so far! its a very useful skill.
i would try to encourage him to solve practical problems...
doing jigsaws, puzzles, fitting things together/taking them apart,
can you build a bridge so this boat can sail underneath?
can't think of any other obvious ones now i've put myself on the spot, but
i'm sure there are loads online and in books
and then encourage a more problem solving attitude, and the idea that if you can't do something straight away, you've got to try different ways, trial and error.
also you and dad could try to model this attitude in every day life, 'oh, i can't put this bookcase together...let me think...'
'how am i supposed to use this...let me try this way...'
i think he just needs time to settle and then hopefully he'll make friends and be able to follow the routines.