My child is very average- help her stand out :-(

[BunnyWunny]

Hi
I feel a bit sad for my dd. She is 5 (6 in Aug) and in Y1. She is a lovely girl, well behaved, kind, gentle, quietish but not too shy, bright but not top of the class. Herein lies the problem. She doesn't seem to get noticed at school. I know the problem because I am an ex-primary teacher myself, and she is just one of those kids that doesn't attract any attention. She has never done the best work in the class because there is always someone better than her, she never gets into trouble, she's an ordinary looking pretty little thing so wouldn't stand out in a crowd. The poor kid has been trying for weeks to be "star of the week" but her best isn't good enough. Each week I hear tales from her of how little johnny fidgety pants is the star because he sat still, and little mr maths whizz did amazing number work etc etc.. She already has accepted the message that those who are naughty get rewarded when they are good, but good all the time gets nothing.

I don't really know how to help her. The only times she has been rewarded are as part of a group effort, never for her individual achievement. Part of the problem is that she always tries her best, therefore it's hard to see that she's really tried hard as her improvements from one day to the next aren't dramatic, unlike those kids that mess around most days and then really try one day and it gets noticed and rewarded.

I could speak to the teacher but I don't want to be seen as the pushy mum, winging because her dd hasn't won any prizes.

I fear that her 'averageness' makes her easy to overlook and that this might become an ongoing problem.

Maybe I shouldn't worry, but I feel she is feeling unappreciated at school and want to help her.
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I remember this happening with dd1 and the only time I did bring it to the attention of the teacher was because my dd1 was upset that someone had got a certificate for improvement in his work and she said she was going do do nothing for the next month so that when she started work again , she would get a certificate. I was upset that she was going to 'down tools' and so spoke to the teacher who was aghast that my dd1 hadn't ever received a certificate (and she promptly got one the next time round). My dd1 was overlooked so many times, because she was a quiet industrious child who was never naughty at school as far as I know. However I think being overlooked at school has left her with some self esteem issues and so I wish I had been a pushy mum. I always instilled in her that she should be kind to other children and always let others have a turn in games. Now I'm not so sure as the ones that seem to get on life are the ones wh are overly assertive and not afraid to push other aside to get what they want.

Can she take in a certificate from something else like ballet/swimming for show and tell? She could explain that she puts her certificates up on her bedroom wall/ the fridge & when she gets one from school that can go beside it.

DS's school does seem to try in that it also has a friend of the week category.

No suggestions, sorry, but well done to your DD for being self-motivated and being able to work without having to be cajoled! That's the sort of thing I'd like my DC to be able to do. It will stand her in good stead in future.

Everyone is quite right - kids are pretty quick at picking up if someone gets an award for being good after being naughty etc. and then they reaise it doesn't mean much. It's tricky though - do you get housepoints for always getting spellings right ( my son who finds it really easy) or one week getting 8 out of 11 ( my daughter who really has to try hard)? Also someone has to be the 'last on the list' for getting these award things if they try to do them on a fairly regular basis. If they only give one a week, it could take 2 terms just to get through everyone in the class?

At the end of the day, it's how she feels at home that's going to be more important - if you keep her feeling happy, encouraging her confidence etc then she will just quietly get on at school. It sounds like the holy grail that most people try for!

Empathy from our household. This is my 6 yr old. But last term he decided to give wanting to try to get stars, ticks, merits etc and he decided to start 'coasting'. Thankfully this coincided with a parents evening. We have managed to re-motivate him but the teacher had to chuck alot of stickers his way. But think we are back to square one again now...

The teacher was honest and said good average kids are accidentally 'ignored'.

Perhaps your daughter could do a semi-project at home about the topic they are doing in class and take it school? Might get a merit/sticker etc...

This sort of happened to my DD, she started off well at school then she started to be overlooked for things, never got a singing part in a school play when she's a really good singer...the lead singing part went to a girl who sang flat (but whose mother was chair of the PTA, hmmmmm) and it really knocked DD as she began to feel she was invisible.
Luckily she did a theatre school at the weekend, originally just for something to take her to so I got a rest (!!!!) but they gave her excellent feedback and there are awards in the class for "best effort" and well as "best improvement", and they do a little show every year and everyone gets a chance to sing a line solo if they want and have a costume and do a little dance.

This helped so much with DD's self esteem, and I didn't tackle her school about them overlooking her). Looking back I think I should have done so, but I didn't want to appear an over fussy mother who wanted everything perfect for her little one. But, we did move her out to another school with a much more balanced approach to the children's emotional development and she has just blossomed.

It may be worth having a little word with the teacher. At DD's new school they have little responsibilities (DD has to make sure everyone has their reading book) and they get stickers for doing it effectively and responsibly (ie not beign asked by teacher, but remembering each morning). It is so simple but really helps DD feel she is contributing, not being overlooked because she is quiet and some others are noisy.

Thanks for your suggestions everyone. I like the idea of doing a little project at home- dd is very good at art, so she took in a model she had made at the wekend to show- she said the teacher said it was fantastic, no reward though, although she was pleased she got to stand up and show her art work.

DD was very disappointed last night as she was hoping she would be star of the week because her and her best friend had written poems in their choosing time and the teacher had said she would photocopy them to bring home. Best friend was star of the week for this but not dd :-(

I help to run a Brownie pack and we do keep records so that quieter or "low profile" (for want of a better word!) children aren't forgotten - it can happen easily. I wouldn't be offended at all if a parent said she was a bit worried her child wasn't feeling recognised for her efforts. (I think it's all about the tone a parent adopts.) We wouldn't hand over an award then and there (because that would be very artificial) but we'd certainly put her on a watch list to "catch" her doing something positive. I think every child has the right to feel acknowledged for effort at some point. It's no good when only the stars and challenging children are rewarded. Under those circumstances, you can easily get a few in the group who are overlooked and these are usually lovely, easy going children (just not top in any one thing or difficult in any way).

Perhaps I should be getting more worried about the number of certificates DD has got!!!!

We've had the issue where DS was praised and used as an example. Then there was a change of teacher after just a few weeks. He then didn't get rewarded as he had done before and got a bit upset about it as he was still being good.

It did annoy me a few times when I felt DD got rewarded for improving her efforts. What we noticed is that she'd give up straight after a reward. It was nice that her teacher gave her two close together recently because it blew DD's theory of that couldn't happen. Let's hope it wasn't a case of terrible behaviour!!!