Help! - Unhappy DD Struggling in Year 1 - Long!!!

[WoodRose]

DD is a quiet, gentle girl who finds large groups a bit of a struggle at the best of times. Unfortunately, there are a large group of Alpha-females in her class who are often unkind - lots of sneery "your writing/ drawing/ reading/ maths is rubbish", etc. DD is so quiet that she isn't really a target for these girls, but she is terrified of doing anything which would cause her to be noticed.

DD also has a friend who is very extroverted and who is being excluded by the alpha females. Understandably, this has made her very anxious and she is clinging to DD for dear life. DD would like to play with another girl but her friend does not "allow" it - lots of emotional blackmail- and refuses to play as a threesome. The friend is very controlling of DD, ie telling her off when she speaks to someone else; demanding she re-do her work when she makes an error, etc. Other parents have commented that it seems to be an unhealthy relationship so I don't think I'm being too precious.

I have recently discovered that throughout the year the friend has been telling DD the answers to their maths work "because you don't know how to do maths and you won't be allowed to go to year 2 if you get the answers wrong!" As a result, DD's maths is dire and her confidence is on the floor. She is terrified of telling her friend not to help her and also worried that if she makes mistakes in her maths the "mean" girls will tease her.

I have spoken to the teacher who hadn't realised DD was struggling with maths although they had assessments this week and, according to the teacher, "DD was really freaked out" I have asked for DD to have extra support at school and advice as to what I can do to help at home. The teacher has been less than helpful and says DD has "processing issues" because she is not understanding instructions in class so doesn't think extra maths support is appropriate . I explained that DD shuts down when she is anxious and stressed and that the control exerted by her friend and the fear of the "mean" girls is causing her lots of stress and anxiety.

Teacher doesn't want to know.

How can I help DD?

I would make an appointment to see the SENCO.

Tell her (politely) all you've said here, and she should be able to help.

Thanks Indigo - I have got the details of the school's SENCO from another mum. Excuse my ignorance, but what is the SENCO's role and how will she be able to help?

I'm willing to do whatever it takes to help DD be happy. Most nights she cries and cries, saying that she feels sad and cross all the time but doesn't know why and doesn't know how to stop. If only mums were issued with magic wands...

SENCO stands for Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator.

But the definition of 'Special Educational Needs' is incredibly broad. It means anyone who needs any extra help with anything, whether it be maths, or tying shoelaces, or making friends, or sitting still......

About a third of the school should be on the SEN register - that is how broad the definition is :)

The SENCO is in charge of organising or co-ordinating the extra help.

So if your child does need extra help with maths, the SENCO would be right person to go to. Alternatively if the teacher was right, and your DD has processing issues - the SENCO would still be the right person to go to....

Also, the SENCO is normally a member of the 'senior leadership team' (although not always) - so basically going to the SENCO is 'taking it the next level', because you have tried the teacher and that hasn't helped.....

Thansk - that's very useful. If DD's teacher thinks she has processing issues, will the SENCO test for these? How would she be tested? Should we be thinking about an Ed Psych report, for example? If DD does have processing issues, is the school obliged to give DD support within the classroom?

If she does have processing issues the SENCO should be involved. The SENCO won't necessarily test for anything. That's not her job. She's not a medical professional. But she will talk to the teacher and clarify the teacher's concerns.

But really 'processing issues' is such a vague term I'm not sure what the teacher means. Cognitive? Auditory? Visual?

You are a long, long way off needing an EP report. But the EP is one person who could look at your DDs needs and make recommendations to school.

Whatever needs your DD has school is obliged to give her support within the classroom.

For example one of many ways they support my DD is by 'breaking down instructions'. I'm not quite sure how they do this, but I think it means the TA keeps nudging her when she get's off track .

Classrooms are really dynamic places and they have loads of different ways of supporting kids.

I think you have a lot of very valid concerns. And you need to discuss them with school. But I'm not sure if 'processing issues' is the thing to be concerned about........ If she had processing issues you would notice them at home as well. She wouldn't follow instructions from you very well either...

I must say I am a bit sceptical that DD has processing issues as she is able to follow instructions at home, in ballet and music classes. However, DD's teacher remains convinced so I have an appointment with the SENCO on Monday and an appointment with DD's teacher on Tuesday to discuss further. In the meantime, DD is upstairs sobbing because the friend "told her off" for speaking to another girl

Hi there - I just wanted to say that I am a tutor who has and still is working with children with various learning difficulties, including possible processing disorders.

I think the teacher's comment about your DD not having any extra math support because of "processing disorders" is outrageous. If her maths abilities are significantly below average (and even if they aren't but her confidence is rock bottom ) she should be definitely be given extra help imo! It can be harder to teach a child with processing difficulties, but all the more reason in my opinion to have some individual or small group help! There are ways of working round the difficulties ( eg using lots of visual demonstrations/ equipment etc if there are auditory processing problems). Also, anxiety can produce symptoms that may masquerade as learning difficulties.

If it were me this is what I would do:

Separate out the issues

Issue 1
DD being afraid of "mean" girls and the less than helpful way her "little friend" has been behaving.
School should be addressing this eg separating dd and "little friend" in class plus input to group on friendships and not being mean/controlling etc.
Ask them to come up with a plan to deal with it and put it in writing for you!
Keep monitoring and raising problems as appropriate.

Issue 2
Academic issues esp maths.
Find out from teacher where she thinks DD is with maths. Should be easy if they've just done an assessment where your dd has had to work without "little friend".
If she is below where she should be, involve SENCO, ask them to put her on an IEP ( Individual Education Plan) that will decide specific maths targets for her to achieve each term and how they are going to help/support her in achieving them.

Issue 3
Anxiety and possible processing disorders.
OK - on this one, I would talk to the SENCO about this and ask for assessments via school but I would also go to your GP. Lots of people don't realise but you can access assessments and help via this route as well as via the school. Explain about your child's anxieties and also about teacher's processing problems comment. Ask if you can be referred:
a) to a clinical psychologist who will be able to assess your daughter and see if there are any processing problems (or any other learning difficulties). This will also give an indication of whether she is producing work in school at an appropriate level ( eg if psychologist assessment shows her abilities are within the average range but her school work is below average then you know there could be an issue at school somewhere)
b) to a group that will help children with anxieties, low confidence, standing up for themselves etc. One of my students went to such a group and it helped her significantly.
To be honest, given that it is getting towards the end of the school year and the teacher didn't realise how "little friend" was doing your dd's maths, I wouldn't hang around waiting to see if/when the school will put things into action but would also go down the GP route straight away. There will be waiting times anyhow (as always in NHS!)

Finally - have you thought about a tutor. I know people will shout at me for suggesting tutoring in Year 1, BUT, A sensitive friendly tutor who is used to dealing with this age and making things fun could possibly help with your dd's confidence in maths and also give you more ideas about how to support her learning. ( I'm not suggesting Kumon or anything that is heavily worksheet/rote learning based) If her school were being ideal this shouldn't be necessary, but they don't seem to be being ideal to me!

I hope you get things sorted!