What should school do about 'kiss my willy' request?

[ellodarlin]

DD (5) and her friend (also 5, in YR) were playing with a Y2 boy and he asked them to kiss his willy. They thought it was funny but told him he was being rude.

I am going to speak to the school tomorrow but I suspect that they won't do much. My friends dd was badgered by a (different) boy asking her to 'do sex' with him and doing pelvic thrusts at her and it was put down to boys will be boys.

How 'odd' is this behavior in 8yos? Is it just part of willy humour? I don't want this boy hauled over the coals for a silly joke but I don't want my dd to think that girls have to put up with this sort of crap from boys as if its inevitable. Also, could it be a child protection issue for the boy? He is new to the school so I don't know much about him.

If the boys are Y2, they are going to be 7 at most, maybe still 6, so I would imagine it's just a silly game - he may not realise yet that his willy is any different, say, to his hand, really, in terms of playing games other than it's a "bit naughty". They need to be told gently that it's not a nice game and there are bits of yourself you keep to yourself, and hopefully the novelty will wear off.

"Do sex" implies he's heard the word and has a rough idea what it means, but the Y6s at school could be responsible for that! I wouldn't worry too much at this stage but I would mention that it's making your DD and her friend uncomfortable.

we would record the "incident" as a possible CP concern

Y2 is 6-7, and IME the age where they are just starting to hear and retain bits of information about sex...if dd1 is anything to go by.

She told me some of the boys said something similar (then giggled and ran away) to some girls in Y1, who sensibly went and told their teacher. They boys were treated to a chat from the Head
I do'nt think its particularly odd for the age, tbh, but I do think staff knowing and keeping an eye is appropriate, and wise.

I think your all being rather calm. Personally, if a boy said that to my 5 year old dd I would be straight up to the school and wanting to know exactly what they were doing about it. Why would you suspect the school would do nothing? It is completly inappropriatye behaviour and why should your daughter have to put up with it. Also, as you've said there may be other issues with the boy that need to be addressed.

Towards the end of last term there were rumours about my DD (Year 3) and her "boyfriend" - none of them true - that my DD was kissing his willy and he was kissing her boobies.
I was actually alerted to this by the school and they took it very seriously indeed.
As part of "safeguarding children" they are obliged to follow up on things like this.
I would have a quiet word with the school, it may be nothing, it may be just boys being boys, or it may be something more - better to be safe than sorry.

Chances are he is parroting something without proper understanding.

But that doesn't mean he should be left thinking it's OK. The worst case is over-sexualisation indicating abuse - the least worrying is a brief outbreak of unthinking potty-mouthiness. Either way, it needs tackling, and the school should be informed.

I'd be more concerned about the school's attitude that 'boys will be boys' than about this one (possibly just childish behaviour) incident.

I'd be worried about what will be written off as 'normal' behaviour - and that girls in the older years will be forced to put up with sexual bullying if the school don't make it clear that it is NOT appropriate behaviour. And that even in their next school the girls will carry with them the message that this is just how boys behave and it's their job to put up with it and try to stop it from going any further.

So I'd be approaching the school with that in mind and demanding that they have a policy on dealing with this kind of behaviour to create a safe learning environment for the girls in their school.

if boys are just being boys do girls have to just be girls and put up with things?

They have so many rules at school - uniform, when they can go to the loo etc etc, most of them daft or unnecessary at least IMO but they can't make rules about this and do something about it?

Seriously I would be annoyed

I don't think kids should have this type of language as part of their vocabulary at such a young age and that they have witnessed or heard something they shouldn't have from tv, an older family member or peers they shouldn't be mixing with. Parents have a responsibility to shelter their children from such adult themes and teach them acceptably behavious. Iif they don't, they are being neglectful and this should be investigated and support should be offered. This is not ok language to use at this age and it is certainly is not 'boys being boys'.

It's upsetting for the child to be subjected to this type of behaviour but I would also be very worried about the child who is using such language. I can't believe a school would dismiss it so lightly.

If you raise the issue you will have to explain, or have others explain, to your girls why this isn't funny. Given that they diffused the situation with their present understanding, you may not think that worthwhile.

If a parent told me this, or if I observed it or heard of, I would undoubtedly record it as a Child Protection matter. mrz is wiser than I, but I believe any teacher not doing so would be breaking the law. It is not acceptable for the school to treat such incidents automatically as 'boys being boys', for obvious reasons.

my son in year 3 kept saying to me "i want to sex you up" when i asked him what he meant is said kiss and told me thats what the girls as school called it.

I think they hear so much on tv, radio etc and then those with older siblings hear stuff from them and dont really know what it means. They just follow the herd and repeat things they hear because they think its cool

I am sure its just harmless in kids so young...now if he was 9/10 he should know better and i would want it stopped.

There are obviously lots of semi-innocent things that could (and usually do turn out to) have motivated the behaviour, but also some much more disturbing things. OP's query is surely not 'does this signify abuse' but 'should I tell school?' and not expect them to dismiss it.
She can decide the first, but it's a worry if they do the second on an assumption.

When my triplets were in reception class, a year two boy said this to one of my boys. School were actually the ones who informed me, and they raised it as a CP concern.

Since I began dealing with CP I've had two reported cases of boys saying this (to other boys) and both resulted in CP orders although not directly resulting from these incidents.
The "sex" meaning kiss thing is quite common but if it is accompanied by the type of action mentioned I would take it more seriously as the child obviously is aware of the meaning.

No Timetowaste the request isn't normal for 7 year olds

I think that formally documenting this sort of behaviour as a CP matter is a bit over the top, but it is worth the head speaking to the boys, writing to the parents and having the letter on file, in the very unlikely event that there is a nescalation of this behaviour. Children of that age have a natural tendency to repeat what they hear and if they think it is naughty or 'rude' so much the better. God, when I think back to what I and my schoolfriends got up to at that age, it would be a matter for social services involvement now and we would all be in care

Again, guessing whether the behaviour is 'normal' isn't the point: the OP isn't screaming it must be abuse and wanting the parents investigated or string up, she's quietly thinking through all options and asking about whether it should be reported.

And the answer is surely 'yes', you can't second guess the issue without any knowledge; nor is she, or even the teacher, trained in how to make these judgments even with more knowledge.

No we can't second guess but regardless the school should be informed.

and it shouldn't simply be dismissed as what boys do ... because most don't

I'm with mrz with this one - tell the school, who should document it as a CP concern. If is a 'semi-innocent' thing as a previous poster says, then that single concern will not trigger any major 'official CP' consequence (might trigger a talking to by teacher and head though) and it will remain as a minor 'blip' in an otherwise empty file.

If on the other hand it is a little piece of evidence that is added to a growing file of similar small bits from lots of other sources that there IS something more disturbing going on, then it is this weight of evidence which will allow appropriate CP action to be taken.

In CP training, we were always told to always report the 'small' stuff - better that than lots of people coming out of the woodwork and saying 'well I did think it was a bit funny when...but I didn't think to tell anyone' after a case hits the headlines.

I agree with mrz.

It is likely nothing but a 6 yo boy being totally willy/bum obsessed but it is right to take a note and have someone talk to him about why this is inappropriate.

I also think that this "boys will be boys" attitude is wrong. Why should girls put up with this? And doesn't ignoring this kind of behaviour (particularly the pelvic thrust scenario) give the children the impression that this is acceptable?