Wonky Friendships

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My DS (9) told me last night that his friendships at school are 'going wonky'. He doesn't know who to play with in the playground anymore. The boys in his year all play 'hand tennis' in groups of 4-6 and it seems like he feels he doesn't fit into any of the groups that have formed, even though he's always seemed quite happy with his main group of friends at school.

His friendship group consists largely of the alpha males in his year group (it's an all boys school) and I have to say, they're not always a kind bunch. I don't think they'd be deliberately excluding him to upset him though. I asked him what he thought he could do to feel happier at breaktimes and he said he didn't know.

Is this a phase that will pass? Any advice? Awful to see him cry and to hear that he feels no-one wants him in their group... He is definitely a sensitive soul and I feel we need to encourage him to toughen up a bit and deal with this on his own.

Sorry to hear your DS is unhappy. My DS had a similar phase at primary - but they did pass. His peer group were competitive, confident and sporty, and he found in the summer months they would organise themselves into team games at breaktimes and he'd be sidelined, mostly because he's not interested in sport.

Not sure if that's the case with your DS, but I had some success with persuading him to join in games he wasn't really keen on, on the basis that making a bit of an effort was better than spending breaktimes on the sidelines. He accepted it was worth a go.

If he doesn't have a partner for hand tennis, could he offer to be a ballboy - on condition that they swap around partners after ten minutes or so?

Thank you CrystalChandelier. Yes it sounds like a similar situation - DS is fairly sporty (and keen) but not a sports star like the boys he usually plays with! I like the ballboy suggestion, I will put that to him. It's not that he doesn't want to join in, but he says that the others always gang up and try to get him out.

It's so helpful to hear that someone else has had the same problem and that (presumably?) it passed and your son came through it with no permanent scars! First child around you just don't know do you?!

It did pass - he's moved on to secondary where, as far as I can tell, they spend breaks drinking hot chocolate, practising guitar and chatting to girls. The sport obsession appears to have passed.

The ballboy idea is a gamble - it's a bit servile, and if they gang up as you say then he could end up rejected again. But if he knows you're on side, that will give him confidence.