Helping my 6 and half-year-old daughter to control her temper at school and out of it

[Jules2]

My daughter is 6 and a half, in Year 1 at school in Haringey. She is bright, pretty and has a very good vocabulary. She has no siblings and so gets plenty of attention from her father and myself and I'd admit to spoiling her (in the sense that she goes to ballet and skating classes and we frequently do nice things at weekends and in holidays) She enjoys school and has friends but has recently had several entries in what her school calls the 'Sad Book' for retaliating (the school calls hitting back 'fighting' - we think it's different). We are not blind to her character faults (which she probably gets from us) - she can be bossy and intolerant of children who do not want to follow her lead, she is not good at sharing (typical single child characteristic) and has started to argue with us more often although we are, I think, quite good at dealing with that. A lot of her peer group argue with their parents too - so not so unusual.
As she is getting into trouble at school - whether always deservedly or not - I'm anxious to help her get to grips with thoughtless and hasty reactions and to get her to think more about consequences. Obviously I'd like her to be kinder but realistically few children of this age are naturally kind and thoughtful all the time. She gets on well with younger and older children - it's her peer group she has trouble with. Her friends seem to enjoy coming to our house but she isn't invited back very often. I don't think I was a very popular child and I want her to be liked and have good friends.
Any advice?

If it makes you feel better, DD is quiet, shy and never bossy.. and also rarely gets invited back for playdates.
Does your DD do any social clubs, like Rainbows, Badgers, etc.?

"the school calls hitting back 'fighting' - we think it's different"

And perhaps that's the problem. If you supported the school, and told your daughter that it was unacceptable to hit back, she might not be in the "Sad book" so much.

agree with previous posters: you are sending very mixed messages here, so likely you are doing the same to your dd, even if unintentionally

I think speculating as to where she gets her character traits from is unhelpful, it suggests that nothing can be done about it

the truth is that a lot can be done about 6yo bossiness and lack of sharing- by reinforcing again and again that she mustn't do it

basically, your main concern is that your dd should do well; to achieve that you need to teach her useful ways of handling situations and never suggest to her that being an only child/having inherited certain traits/being spirited means she won't be able to. It is as unhelpful as telling her that she won't be able to do her homework because she has inherited bad maths genes: the helpful way is to show her how to get on with it.

I agree that you need to stop differentiating between 'hitting back' and 'fighting'. She needs to learn that violence is unacceptable - completely unacceptable in any situation. If you want her to stick up for herself, teach her to shout something like 'DON'T hit me!' and go to a teacher if that doesn't work.

I also don't think it's unrealistic to expect a 6 year old child to be kind and thoughtful, and find it slightly depressing that you have dismissed these values because it will be hard to teach them. I understand that my 6 year old daughter will find it hard to be kind and thoughtful all the time but I still expect her to be - we talk about friendship and what it takes to be a good friend. I tell her that I value kindness above most things - that it's more important than how pretty she is or how well she does at school. I praise her when I see her being kind and thoughtful to me or her siblings.

As for dealing with her temper, how about getting her to talk about how she feels when she lashes out and immediately after? Get her to recognise the warning signs that she is going to lose her temper and encourage her to walk briskly around the yard counting to ten/singing or something.

As for the bossiness/wanting to take the lead, this seems to be very common in little girls of this age group! My DD is always coming home complaining about that kind of thing. I tend to just talk to her about compromise but otherwise stay out of it.

Got to disagree with some. If you are absolutely clear that your DD is hitting back & never starting a fight then I would differentiate. We didn't & supported school policy for a year about always tell a grown up, don't hit back and all it lead to was more hitting by the little 's. Evolved into bullying. Talk to the teacher & then your DD.

Does your school have anything like ELSA?

Ds1 is now 7, and was an only child until 5.10. He had similar issues to your dd it sounds, plus he would get v upset at perceived injustices - something there's a huge number of it seems in infant school!

Anyway last year he started with ELSA sessions, and his ability to cope with stressful situations has improved hugely. He does still get upset by some things that other people (me ) really can't bring themselves to care about, but calms down much quicker.

We've also noticed he reacts more when his blood sugar is low (long time after meals for instance) so regular snacking helps but worse is when he's v thirsty, and persuading him to drink enough is a bloody nightmare!

He's had an issue with 2 boys in his class who seem to make it their mission to wind him up (one of whom I've known since working with him in preschool and he's always been a bit of a git). The latest way we have of dealing with this, to help him laugh off their taunts, is to imagine them both in pink fairy tutus He says it's working well. I can also guage what his mood will be like in the evening by asking him how many tutus he's seen today!

Thanks for all comments but some of you have assumed I've shared my thoughts (above) with my daughter. Not the case at all. And GiddyPickle - you've certainly put words in my mouth that I wouldn't have used about her!

I do think my DD is similar to many of her peer group but especially those with no siblings. It is well documented that single children find it harder to share (because they don't have to) and often have a different relationship with their parents/other adults compared with kids with siblings. My friends with 2 or more kids tend to let them get on with their squabbles and fights without much intervention (unless a fatality is imminent). Obviously the school cannot do this. But I'm told she does share in school and in friends' homes. And - significantly to us - she gets on fine with friends at weekends, i.e. out of school. What's happening at school that's different? I've asked her and she can't tell me. And she likes going to school so that's not a problem.

There is just a chance that the school isn't doing that well in dealing with issues like this, e.g. how many children get in the sad book regularly, and how often? Who is deciding which 'crimes' are worse than others? If it's a lot of kids then maybe the SB isn't worth much? Do other schools use this device? It's not used in Reception at our school.

We have followed the school's suggestions so far and encouraged her to use devices like counting to 10 before reacting to a situation, telling the other child to stop whatever they are doing to upset her, walking away if possible, telling a teacher (last resort). Mostly without much success.

I don't think it's a good thing to encourage a child to run off and tell teacher about every slight provocation - no-one likes a snitch and children need to find ways to work out their own disputes. As COCKadoodledoo says there do seem to be a huge number of 'injustices' in infant school - the slightest prod or insult can be massive to one child, nothing to another.
Her school has something called SEAL which must be like ELSA. But there is a waiting list for it! That, in itself, says something about either the school or children generally. I hadn't considered hunger as a factor (although I think tiredness could be sometimes) - my DD doesn't eat that much lunch at school and is always hungry at 3.30...

Ragged - what are Rainbows and Badgers? Are they like Brownies? DD does ballet and is in after-school gym club but nothing else at the moment. I'm not sure what we have on offer locally (north London).

Rainbows is the Girl guides section for age 5-6.
Badgers is the youth group for St. John's Ambulance (age 5-9).
Beavers is similar, but for age 6-7 & Scouts.
Then there are Woodcraft Elfins (age 6-9)
And local churches and some charities will often run their own weekly youth clubs.
I'm sure you'll have tonnes of such choices in North London! They are all heavily social and into team/group work.

They aren't at all identical otherwise.... Guides & Scouts & a church group will have a God subtext, are part of huge larger movements with detailed badge schemes. Woodcraft is no God & quite hippyish, Badgers I know less about coz DS just joined & I think it's no God, but quite community oriented; SJA has ancient origins and an obvious bias towards first aid support. A lot depends on who runs each pack/branch. For instance among local Brownie packs, some are huge, some are tiny, some do barely anything besides a bit of craft at weekly session in term time, others do lots of badges and have something extra happening on every week and many events during holiday breaks.

Have you spoken to her classteacher? I'm reading a lot of assumptions as to what you think is happening, and presumably what your daughter tells you is happening, but have you checked with her teacher as to what they think is happening? On the one hand, you say she is 'retaliating' (for what?), on the other you say she can be intolerant of other kids who wont follow her lead. What does she does to show 'intolerance'? hit? use nasty language? walk away? cry?

Is it one child she fights with? or several? in class? at lunchtimes? who decides who gets into the 'sad book'? SMSAs? teachers?

What have the school put in place to help her with issues with social skills? How are they helping her to sat out of the 'Sad Book'? SEAL is not like ELSA. It is unfair on the school to say well the school aren't great at dealing with this sort of thing. You don't know that. A waiting list for SEAL means there is a waiting list for (I imagine) what is a small group led by support staff, and (for example) if 20 children (out of a school population of say 500) needed it, there would still be a waiting list but doesn't suggest that all kids have the difficulties your daughter has. You don't sound supportive of the school to be honest, and kids pick up on this really easily.