What criteria would you apply to make the decision to move a Year 4 child to another school?

[Cornflakemum]

DS was in floods of tears this morning going to school (a small independent prep).
It's not a 'regular' thing, but it does happen occasionally.

There are only 6 boys in his class, and the friendships thing seems the biggest problem. There's one alpha-male who 'rules the roost' and seems to dictate who plays with who. The school are aware, but don't seem to handle it very well.

In addition DS has some mild learning difficulties. They make him slower to do things in class, which he finds upsetting and frustrating. That said, if I believe his report, he is doing OK - about middle of the class, despite being the youngest (another issue)

Generally though I'm not 100% impressed with the way the school have handled any issues/ discussions we've had. It feels like they just think we're over-worrying. (Are we?)

I can't decide whether I should consider moving him for the next two years, or whether I should just dig my heels in and demand more help and support from the school.
I think he would find moving very disruptive, and there are not even any guarantees that he'd get a place anywhere else. But I can't stand the idea of him being so unhappy.

Do you think things have to get 'really bad' (i.e. crisis point of some sort?) before jumping ship? Or just a general 'gut feeling' that it's the righ thing to do?

tricky. My DS (8) is happy at school despite not being in "the gang" (the gang being all the other boys, apart from DS and 1 friend).

The school have put my DS on a social emotional IEP, as he does not "accept instruction from his peers". Ie he does not accept this gang has a leader, and does not obey the leader but would rather wander off on his own.

My DH thinks this makes our DS very normal, but the school don't agree. It is a bit sad that he does not get invited to birthday parties often (apart from this 1 friend, and oddly also by the ringleader) but otherwise it doesn't seem a big deal.

For me it is not a reason to move school. yet. I think that boys this age often operate in gangs, and that is how life is. I hope my DS finds a good way himself of coping with this. So far, he occasionally plays with the ringleader but more often than not just walks off. I think he's just that sort of person, he likes being on his own as long as he has the one best friend, and dips in and out of the group thing. I am glad he talks to me about it though.

Sorry, maybe not very helpful. If you think your DS is normally deeply sociable, then it is different of course! Is he crying often? I think being sad occasionally is normal. It is not always easy to be a child. But if he is regularly upset, I would talk to the school.

Thanks Chandon

I don't think he is upset all the time, but when he does get upset he tends to pour out all sorts of other things which then makes me wonder if he's bottling stuff up all the time?
His last teacher recognised his learning difficulties (he seems to have slow processing, and needs to take his time to 'get' and understand everything) and said she thought his brain was having to work harder than his friends to just 'keep up' and then when he gets home he 'crashes' with the exhaustion. It seemed to make sense, and reflects what happens.

I think maybe I need to keep a diary of events to see how often these little outburst happen, and what the triggers appear to be?

Cornflake, I think before making a decision to move your son, you should really think carefully about why you are confident that any new school will be better for your son than his current school, particularly as you think he would find a move disruptive. After all, if your soon has learning difficulties at this school, those difficulties are not going to vanish at another school. If he is the youngest in the class by virtue of having an August birthday then he is likely to end up as one of the youngest in the class at most schools. I think he is also likely to encounter "alpha males" at any school that has boys! Your post does not suggest that the behaviour of the alpha male at your son's school is so extreme or exceptional that you would be unlikely to find the same behaviour at another school. I guess the size of the class could be an issue in that things might be easier if there was a bigger "pool" of potential friends, but anything to be gained on that front would need to be weighed against the risk that your son would receive less help with his learning difficulties in a bigger class, or find moving to a bigger class daunting.

Does your son have any friends at his current school? Are there times when he does talk about experiences at school positively? I don't think things need to reach a crisis point to justify moving schools, but to justify a non-essential school move I do think you need to have really clear reasons why you are confident that a child won't experience exactly the same issues after the move.

Have you though about moving him to a prep that goes until 13? So he'll have 4 years there, rather than 2, and longer to get on top of some of his difficulties before senior school.

That's a good suggestion, Checkmate.
And maybe look for a prep/indie school that specialises in "individual" care. You need the school onside to help with the social problems.

There are two points in your post that would make me think about moving him = the fact that the school is not dealing with his additional needs, and there only being 6 boys in his class.That's just not a viable pool for friendships IMHO - particularly if there's an alpha male who, reading between the lines, the school seems to think has a right to rule the roost.

What does he want to do? Would he like to move?

Before moving, I would make an appointment to see the Y5 teacher and discuss your concerns with her/him. It may be that the Y4 teacher has not handled either your son's learning needs, or the class dynamics very well but that another teacher would treat the situation differently.

Yes, like Seeker I'm worried about the only 6 boys in the class thing. It's probably be fine in pre-prep, but as their personalities and interests become more deined, that just isn't enough.

From what you've described, I think if he were my son I'd be looking at all boys schools for him. So he has a massive potential pool of friends, and can find a few on same wavelength. Also, because the right boys school will be pretty expert and helping with boys social skills, and the kind of learning difficulties you describe.

personalities more defined I meant

Personally I would look at what the other options might be. I wouldn't make a decision to move without having investigated and visited the alternatives.