When do kids learn to work at something to get better etc?

[PoppetUK]

Hi ya,

My PFB is 7. She's never been great at listening in after school activities. It's like she's not switched on. I can understand that she might not want to do an activity but it's still the same with activities she says she wants to do but just not as bad. I don't quite understand it because other children seems to rock up, listen and try to learn but DD doesn't get this at all.

My second child might switch off a bit but he seems to get the idea of what he's suppose to be doing so he still learns something.

Has anyone else had any experiences like this? My instinct at the moment is to withdraw her from anything after school (not as a punishment) until she's a bit more mature. Perhaps she's burnt out of learning so something like Brownies might be good.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

How many activities does she do? What kinds of activities are they? It sounds from your post as if they're quite academic-focussed ones, which might be the problem, if she's been trying to concentrate at school all day. Does her teacher at school complain about her not listening, or is it only at the activities?

Depends a bit on what's going on for her, what her personality type is and what kind and quantity of activities you're talking about, but it is generally not a good idea to kit children out wtih more activities than they can usefully take on board, especially if they are classes that require a lot of concentration. One or two things a week after school is plenty. They need lots of time for trips to the park and messing about at home.

I was going to say at about 23; but I'm not sure that's what you meant

Sorry

She's been doing basketball, swimming (was at weekends) and tennis. I've kept her in swimming because we were living around water and to keep her activity levels up during the winter. She's at a level to keep herself safe and we are going to go now just for fun so I think she could take a break / stop lessons. She's ok at school. I'd describe her personality as flitty and sometimes sensitive. She's never really had any major interests. She enjoys playing with her younger brothers and is quite young still. It really is like she is finding herself and perhaps me understanding her more.

The routine used to be just one after school and one weekend. No massive difference in timing of activity.

Thanks for the responses

I can see the confusion re: title. I think that's the thing with everything these days it's all around learning something. When I grew up we used to enjoy going to a place to be around other kids, have a sweetie bag and play a bit of sport of something. Because everything is so structured I suppose I've fallen into that trap. I've realised I've messed up. She should be having some fun with girl friends because these activities do not provide that sort of environment and she's probably telling me that actually she's bored... I think the mixed post is because I have so many feelings sitting watching her not listen. I need to analyse my part a bit more I think.....

Hi PoppetUK

My two DDs also very flightly and prone to be distracted. However, every now and then they blow me away with what they're actually picking up. I think much of what people are writing is true - they're kids and it's unfair to want them to be junior adults that sit still, pay attention and perform reliably. I also wonder if this wasn't noticeable around the time the clocks changed. I've noticed that the first weeks back to school and the week after the clocks change my DDs find school particularly tiring and therefore aren't always up to an activity after a long day at school.

If your PFB is getting plenty of rest and is eating well and healthy - I think I'd just relax and accept the personality for what it is. Perhaps this is an early sign of an artistic personality or even independence (she's happy to do her own thing and doesn't follow the group).

I agree swimming is important - especially given you're near water. There's a safety issue there. The rest is extra and meant to be fun, if she's not interested/ enjoying it - maybe you need to rethink the activities and consider trying something else. I do understand you're trying your best to give her opportunities and extra experiences - but if she's not enjoying it or can't settle maybe it's time to try something else.

I find with my youngest it helps to discuss the problem the teachers are having with her. I actually tell her that we've noticed/ the teacher's commented/ her sister's noticed that she wasn't paying attention or was messing about it has made her stop and think. I can't say it's changed her behaviour right away - but explaining that if the teacher has to stop and deal with her that wastes everyone's time to learn in the lesson and gradually this seems to be getting through.

Don't beat yourself up Poppet. Agree swimming lessons are essential but used to drive me batty watching all the talking & messing that went on as the kids waited for their turn to do a width.

I think kids learn to work at something to get better as a philosophy - far earlier through sport than in class. With apology to some teachers - probably only personal experience of emphasis on effort over achievement.

My ds1 learnt that putting effort in makes a difference when he started to learn the piano. As for the sports that your dd is doing - is it you thinking she is wasting her time because you don't think she is participating in the way you want her to, or is it her being bored when she is there? You haven't really made that clear. ie don't tell her she should drop basketball and tennis if she's enjoying it and the teachers aren't complaining about her attitude, but do ask her if she would rather do something else if you suspect she is only going along because you arranged for her to do it, rather than through any sense of personal enjoyment.

Thanks for the responses again. It really does help.

I do think DD is tired quite a lot of the time. Sometimes she just doesn't fall asleep until late 8.15. Normally a long drive at the weekend would sort them out for a few weeks but we've not done that for a while. Going to bed earlier doesn't seem to help as they just faff about until the time there bodies are set at.

DD did say that she was bothered at school by children messing about and being loud. She felt like they were disturbing her and felt frustrated because it was hard to get her work done. I used this opportunity to explain that's how it can be when she is being asked to do something in the activities and she doesn't try etc. She seemed to understand what I was saying.

I think I am sensitive to it all because I feel it reflects on me as a parent and I guess I'm lacking confidence in my parenting ability. It's good to think that some of this is her personality.

rabbitstew - you've made a good point about "participating in the way I want her to". Something I need to look at. I really liked it that she could go to school clubs without me watching so she had a chance to just be in it how she wanted to. I do think DD get's bored very easily and likes to add her bit to everything. She's the type that might be practising her backstroke and as soon as the teacher isn't watching (and she's fully aware of when she is or isn't) she's trying to see if she can swim to the bottom of the deep end. Recently she came on in leaps and bounds because the male teacher she had was onto it straight away. Some kids seem to just get on with things regardless of teacher but not my DD.

I think I am definitely going to make sure she is having more fun with the activities. She wants to do tennis and I might casually ask her if she wants to do the swimming but if she would like to stop then I'm happy with that now. Brownies also sounds good.

I appreciate all the posts. It's hard to work out our own parts in all of this so could to have some thoughts.

thanks again