Please can someone come and talk to me about fixed term primary exclusion, I am beside myself and don't know what to do.

[frangipan]

Very briefly:

DS 8y11m year 4 has been excluded on mon and tue for 'phsical aggresion'. He has admitted what he did but as usual there are two sides to everything. I am totally mortified and keep welling up with sadness.

DS has been having emotional issues and hating school more and more over the last 18 moths or so. In year 3 he was bullied for a few weeks by a year 6 boy (head lock/punching in the head/kicking) he has also had to deal with his older brother being Dx with type 1 diabetes and his grandad fighting cancer 18 months ago.

He has been getting increasingly short tempered and hot headed and lashing out. We keep telling him not to hot back at people. He doesn't lash out unless provoked, be it some one calling him a name or hurting him.

I took him to the GP with concerns 6 weeks ago and he has referred to CAHMS, the appointment is tueday morning. He has SEN and has been on SA+ since year 1. This year has been a turn around academically and he has come on leaps and bounds, reading above his age in assesments, handwrithing and spelling.

So he apparently hit a girl on the nose after she kicked him after a verbal altication between them ( not sure details) I can believe he did it. Got a phonecall from the head at 1.30 on friday, was asked to collect him and she told me he was excluded for 2 days.
I am now going to lose mondays pay and have had to cancel 20+ patients, I pleaded with her to exclude tue and wed instead as I only work part time and I'm self employed. She said she couldn't and would I come to a reintegration meeting on wednesday at 3pm.

anyone have any words of advice or comfort as I don't know what to do.

Actually that wasn't brief at all, thanks for reading anyway.

Also, is it unprofessional that she wasn't there when we collected him and left the secertary to give us the letter? We had some questions that she couldn't answer and so we feel like we have been left to 'stew' over the weekend.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, you must be so worried.

Firstly, I don't think it's unprofessional of the HT not to meet you since she has made an appointment for Wednesday to discuss the situation. Some cooling off time will be good for all of you, and you now have a period to clarify your feelings and formulate questions for her. It may help to write these down.
I think I would want to know what punishment the girl involved received, since she seems to have physically attacked your ds first.

Secondly, please try to avoid defending your son at all costs. The tone of your post is quite defensive, and whilst that is a natural and unavoidable emotion, I think you need to try and face the fact that your son must take responsibility for his actions.

Thirdly, I think YABVU to expect the head to postpone an exclusion to fit in with your work commitments. Your son has caused that inconvenience, not the HT.

I'm sorry that you have so much to cope with at the moment, but as a parent of a child with SN who has had several exclusions over the years, and as a teacher, I can only say that the head is following the rules to the letter.
Your best bet is to go along to the meeting prepared to ask questions about what they are putting into place to try and ensure that the situation does not occur again, and to help your son manage his behaviour more efficiently.
Is his IEP linked to behavioural issues?

I'm sorry that your DS has had such a tricky time recently. The CAMHS appointment will, hopefully, give you all a way forward and perhaps be the start of some anger-management input for your DS. In terms of the exclusion, sometimes Headteachers won't be available when a child is collected - it doesn't mean she was being unprofessional, she may have been busy being highly professional elsewhere! It's good that she telephoned you to explain about the exclusion and I expect that if you had left questions with the SENCo/Deputy/secretary the Head will get back to you ASAP.

The precise timing of an exclusion is up to the Head so, theoretically, she could have scheduled it for Tuesday and Wednesday bearing in mind the impact it will have on your family. However, if the school's behaviour policy is always to exclude on the first available school day then it would have been harder for her to make an exception.

When you take your DS in for the reintegration meeting it may be helpful to discuss with her the possibility of any future exclusions (hopefully they won't happen but it's better to be prepared) being scheduled so that your DS's SEN & behaviour issues don't impact upon your family's finances. She may have to discuss this with the Governors (if an agreed policy states otherwise) but having this discussion now may help to reduce some of the stress you're experiencing. You will need to be clear that you are supportive of the school's decision to exclude (if you are!) so that the point you are making is about the family's finances being disadvantaged, not that you are saying he mustn't be excluded and that your work being disrupted is a convenient 'get out'. Before the meeting ask your DS what he thinks would work in terms of him better managing his temper when someone winds him up e.g. having a 'help' card or an 'I am feeling angry' card which will always be acted upon when he shows it to an adult.

The other thing that might be worth considering is something martial arts-like... the strong discipline can be very effective for children who lash out as it models control and the instructors are very clear about the skills being used only within the sport.

Good luck!

I disagree with SE13mummy, I my opinion it was unprofessional of the school that nobody from the SLT was available to discuss the situation with you when you collected your son. I would accept that maybe the head was unavailable due to other commitments but she phoned you at 1330 and told you to collect your son, so it was their responsibility to ensure that somebody was available.

The head is also not being fair over the re-integration meeting, 3pm on Wednesday is a full school day after your son has been back at school. It should be at 0900 that morning, not when it is convenient to the head.

Having said that a 2 day exclusion is not unrealistic for the alleged assault. However what you need to establish at the re-integration meeting is exactly what went on. I am guessing as you do not say but that this assault happened at lunch time. If so to have properly investigated the incident and made a decision to exclude by 1330 is very quick. If this was a permanent exclusion and i was sitting on the governor appeal panel or the independant appeal panel I would be wanting to carefully establish exactly what evidence the decision was taken with. The head may well have good evidence about exactly what went on, but you clearly do not know at the moment. So ask politely about what happened in the incident, what was the catalyst for the situation and whether it is true that the girl did kick your son prior to your son retaliating. You should not be defensive about what your son did, they have to accept the punishment but you need as does the school need to understand the background to this. And possibly the head has to understand that they might have made a decision in the heat of the moment before all the facts were known. For instance you do not state what your son's SEN is but the head should have taken that into consideration prior to making any decisions.
Much more important is to get to the bottom of your sons potential problems and to work with the school to ensure that there is no repeat incidents.

Thankyou all for your replies, it is all very helpful. I didn't mean to come across as defensive in my OP, I did say that I believed he had done it. I wasn't trying to be unreasonable about postponing the exclusion either, its just I am up shit creak without a paddle this month now losing a days pay which obviously adds to the stress. It is just so awful and I feel as if as a parent I have let my son down. He has learning difficulties but is making excellent progress. I don't doubt the school is acting exactly as it should, I was just wanting maybe some one who has experienced this to post so I know I am not going round the bend, so thankyou Goblinchild.
DS has an IEP and now and IBP with a red card system and he was supposed to have a mentor also.

maybe I just have 'the naughty child'...............

He has let you down by behaving like that not the other way around - make him realise the position he has put you in because it is his behaviour that has put you i this position not the schools!

frangipan, you didn't sound defensive to me in your OP.

I know it's a pain to have a child of school when you work, but I do think it's reasonable for the school to exclude on Mon and Tues, but I do think the reintegration meeting should be on Wed am, especially as the head wasn't available on Friday.

For what it's worth, I've been there, and I too was mortified and spent a long time crying my eyes out-- welled up a lot. I also wondered how the hell DH and I could have a DS who got excluded, but as his lovely teacher pointed out it wasn't about me, it was about him.

Your DS isn't the naughty child, he's the child who needs more help handling certain situations.

Unfortunately as inconvenient as it may be the period of exclusion should be immediately. If this was a more severe case of violence it would hardly be fair to the victim for the offender to be walking around as normal. You have my sympathy though for the disruption as it is extremely difficult trying to work and deal with minute unexpected events. I hope all goes well on Wednesday.

I mentioned the loss of earnings only as it was an added pressure, I wasn't saying that the head was unreasonable at all. The only unecessary expense I have this month is DS1 in year 6 has trip to the lakes , but I will ask my parents if I can borrow some money, I am sure they will! Apparently the other girl admitted to kicking first and her friends backed up the story that DS2 lashed out and banged her on the nose, but you know how it is with these things, who knows. Just wish I get through to DS2

If the other girl admitted to kicking first then the head should be taking some action against the girl. I would go to the school on Wednesday asking for a clearer picture of what actually happened and why it happened. The head may or may not be prepared to say what has happened to the girl? Do you know?
Has your son has not been in trouble before? If not then a basic part within the guidance around poor behaviour and exclusions is that pupils who do the same things should be punished to the same extent. You need to ask carefully what happened to establish the scale of things - was it a playful kick that your son responded to violently - in which case there would expect to be differentiation or was it a violent kick to which your son retaliated?
I think you need to establish these things so that you can then have a meaningful conversation with the head as to how to stop any repetition of this behaviour. Does the IBP seem to be sensible? Will actually your son understand the situation and what he can and cannot do around the IBP and red card system? If not then it is not the answer and you need to tell the school that and agree something that is appropriate.

Sorrry, meant to also say that this can be positive for your son if it can be used to make him understand what he can and cannot do. Better to set up good boundaries now that he keeps to in future than be in a far worse potential scenario in a few years time.

Talk to ACE - they're superb, impartial and knowledgable. They can supply you with support, legal advice and written info on procedure and appeals if you want to go down that road.

One thing that is made clear is that if a child has SN this must be taken into account and exclusion should be the last resort. Bullying/provocation should also be taken into account when the decision to exclude has been made.

Wishing you good luck and much support from one who has been there,

Val

Great advice to go to an advocacy organisation like ACE, Vallhala.

I'm a Head of Year at secondary but have worked at primary too. The school, in my opinion, have been reasonable and professional here. I would never have expected them to have someone available to meet you when you picked your child up - thats what the reintegration meeting is for. I'd advise you to list any questions you want to ask in advance of that meeting so you don't forget them, to ask which support the school can offer you/your child and to enquire as to what you can do at home to support the school. The sad truth of exclusions is that in my experience 99% of children have difficult circumstances but that schools and parents cannot allow those circumstances to excuse a pupil's actions. Children need to know they are responsible for what they do - that is the reality of life. It is great you have CAMHS; they'll be able to support you as family to tackle anyunderlying issues. If it seems over the next few weeks that your son could be at risk of another exclusion, I would find out if your borough/area has a Primary Behaviour Support Team who can work with your son.

I think a 2 day exclusion for hitting is very harsh.

My DS hits and he's never even been close to being excluded. They deal with his behaviour in far more appropriate ways.

If he already has an IBP that means they know he has behaviour issues, and should therefore be offering him extra support to help him rather than excluding him at the first opportunity.

I also agree with Vallhala that you should get in touch with ACE. IPSEA will also be helpful in explaining your next steps in getting enough support for your child in future. It's clear that his needs aren't currently being met and the situation will continue unless additional provision is being put into place. My DS also has SEN and used to hit, which led him to being excluded several times at primary school. Eventually he was given a statement to provide 1:1 support, which may be necessary in your son's case too (my DS is also academically above average).

The CAMHS referral may be helpful, but they often tend to be slow and not always good at working with the school - you will have to be persistent with them. Do post on the SN board for more support and advice.

Huge hugs.

Has the other child been excluded? How would your DS feel, given he has been excluded if she wasn't. How does he feel about going back in. Is he ready for that. Is there anything your son needs to resolve before re-entering. I think it needs carefully thinking about because 8/9 years is still pretty young to be dealing with all this isn't it? Hitting = exclusion. wrong = consequence isn't always that straight forward.

Just want to say I'm thinking of you and your little one

sorry, that is tough for you.

I think you need to focus on how you can work WITH the school to help him control his anger. For him to hav been exluded he must have hit her badly. You don't get exlcuded for a bit of a push. Maybe she is younger and smaller as well, which makes it worse?

By saying he only does it when provoked, and focussing on what the girl did (or may have done) you are not taking responsibility, but rather looking for a way to justify your son's behaviour, what do you think?

Thankyou for all of your replies you are great. chandon I wasn't in anyway trying to justify his behaviour, I think I just wanted to get across that he doesn't randomly go around hurting anyone he comes into contact with. I have and do work with the school and have done everything they have asked, I have a good relationship with the school and am not asking if the exclusion is justified or whether I am being unreasonable. I needed some guidance on what to do next to help my DS and the school. As I said, my DS has been on the recieving end of random un provoked bullying from a yr6 child when he was in yr3 so I was naturally mortified. I mentioned that the girl had kicked him first just explain the whole situation not to justify his behaviour, I also explained the 'hit' exactly as the head relayed to me on the phone. Hope this helps.
I really don't need to be judged on how I feel about it all, just seeking guidance. Thanks to you all for helping I really appreiate all of your advice.

I won't come back to this thread now as I am feeling a bit stressed about it all and the last post has made me feel that I am being judged and sticking my head in the sand, when clearly I am not, otherwise I wouldn't ask for help.