Private school - is it worth it if you aren't rich?

[ASecretLemonadeDrinker]

thread no. 1001, pulled DS out of (state, catholic) school. One other catholic school in area, he is only on the waiting list. 3 schools have places but don't appear to offer him anymore than what his 'current' one is - i.e they don't appear to change soiled children.

We are thinking of moving anyway, are 1/2 in one house, 1/2 in another (MILs - long story). The schools here are massively oversubscribed, again I can put him on a waiting list, probably get a place September I guess.

Or we can pay for him to go private, either to a Montesorri which takes them to 8 (he is just 5), or a prep school that I went to. THing is if one goes, they all (3) have to go. We could stretch to DS1s fees, I'd have to work for DS2s and I'd have to work alot for DS3s. DS3 is only 10m though so would have to juggle working late evnings/nights until he goes. Is it worth it?

I may not be the best person to ask, as I recently pulled DS1 out of a prep school and put him into a state school where they are much more able to accommodate his needs. We're not wealthy, DS1 was on an 80% bursary anyway but we couldn't have paid for DS2 to go unless he also had a substantial bursary. I have read your posts about your DS and would say that state schools are more likely to be obliged to help him whereas private schools can pick and choose. My DS1 had some soiling problems and autistic tendencies (though very academically advanced) and the prep school was up in arms about it and refused to do anything differently to their 'tried and tested' methods (which in essence was expecting everyone to comply and conform to their perfect pupil stereotype). I'd go for the waiting list option, and HEd in the meantime (I did this for half a term whilst school-hunting).

In answer to your actual question, the financial stress had we had 2 children at private school (assuming DS2 wasn't awarded a hefty bursary) would have pushed us over the edge. DS1 is so much more relaxed in his new school, despite his problems. We're awaiting a diagnosis, after which he can hopefully get a statement and some additional support. Not worth it IMO. State schools (generally) feel an obligation to help children and accommodate their needs, private schools less so.

No idea of nature of your DS's needs, but IME with private schools, those with AEN usually have to contribute to the extra associated costs. It can amount to more than £5k on TOP of fees if they need 1:1 support. If you check out the ISC website you can in theory get a child statemented, and have these extra costs met even in indie schools, but I think there have only been a handful of successes at this and the parents had to threaten/take legal action.

Indie schools are also commercial so will weigh up costs/benefits of helping children with AEN in terms of reputation/other parents' needs, etc.

Saying all of that, if you can get an accommodating school, your child could thrive.

AEN aside, I think that there are huge extra benefits in private ed, if you find a good school, and I know many parents who scrimp and save and they all feel it is worthwhile. At my DC's school I'd say the mix of genuinely wealthy to 'sacrificers' is probably around 50:50

Would the private school be ok with helping your son with changing soiled clothing
I understand why you felt need to remove your child from current school as i think the way he was treated was appalling.
I don't know what primary schools are obliged to do with regard to this type of care, especially if its a regular occurence. What did school nurse/health visitor say.

At DS's school everything is included - there are no extra fees for learning support. And I think when that's the case it's usually a good indicator that the school has the right attitude to children with AEN. DS has AEN and receives excellent learning support there, so I know it's not a case of not charging because not provided. It's the exact opposite experience to what I found at his state primary where their mission statement was some crap about valuing each child, but when it came to it if they didn't fit in the box, they certainly weren't going to be bothered teaching them!

As for whether it's worth the money, for me it is, the additional benefits they receive are huge. I personally find it very difficult to find the money to send them, but having moved one, I felt I couldn't not offer the same to the other. We go without the luxuries in life to afford school (probably only mum who shops in aldi...) but it's worth it. In line with what stillquiffy says, there's a fair mix at school between the truly wealthy and those who make serious sacrifices to manage it.

Can I ask why they all have to go if DS1 goes? Am guessing the private school option is for DS1's health needs? At a very young age, the kids don't compare. But I know having 3 kids in private - nursery and prep school - is a massive burden for 2 parents in well paid careers, let alone if you are currently SAHM going back. How about just private for DS1 until he is year 3, then you have early year subsidy for DS2 and then DS3 starts the same as DS2 when he's older. The area you are going to move to - is that oversubscribed for schools too?

they don't appear to change soiled children
sorry but I find this a very strange statement

It depends entirely on the school in question.
Some private schools are fab. Some are awful.