child school refusal

[catrachmattben]

my child is in P2 scotland 6y 6months.Without boasting is very able taught himself to read at 3years loves numbers and is always asking questions.Spells excellently and attends lots of afterschoolclubs,recorders,beaves,drama club.
He has never loved nursery school or year1,but went without complaint,albut a bit reluctantly.He mixes well with his family who are all adults siblings 21y, 20, 17yr the 17 yr old has learning difficulties that are severe.My problem is he has started suddenly last week crying refusing to go to school, says no one plays with him school is not exciting isn,t learning new things has tummy ache every morning and wants to stay at home. He plays well with older siblings.Joins a class 2year older for reading and is starting some extension maths with a small group soon.This he enjoys and takes part in well .The teacher says he is very quiet in class but is an intraverted boy who enjoys his own company.I need help where to go I been sympathetic,firm but nothing seems to work every day i take him to school Knowing he doesn,t want to be there.

Sounds , catra. I wonder why it started suddenly? Did something happen? Have you asked the teacher if anything happened?
I know kids how are used to being around older children/adults, and some of them have had a hard time socializing at school with peers...can you arrange some playdates with a child your ds likes, maybe?

Do you know if something has happened - eg bullying, being excluded by other kids, being embarrassed or humiliated by something a grownup or another child said (even if it wasn't meant maliciously), shyness at using bathroom/changing, a bad experience at sports like being kicked (even if accidentally) etc - it could be a whole range of things. Sometimes if something like this has happened, it takes a while to find out and won't necessarily be revealed at 8am when you are getting ready to leave.

If the teacher will let you, maybe try officially taking 3 days off, and taking him out somewhere quiet - a park/garden/duck pond and when he is happy and enjoying himself, see if he will confide in you how he is feeling about school. Sometimes it may be worth getting another relative - father/grandparent/close aunt to do this as he may feel that it's your "job" to get him to the school gates and he doesn't want to upset you, but he might open up candidly to another close relative.

I hope it does work out - he sounds like a very talented pupil.

OK, you say school refusal in the thread title, but then say he only started suddenly last week crying and refusing to go to school........has tummy ache every morning and wants to stay at home. Can you still get him into school? You say; "every day i take him to school Knowing he doesn,t want to be there." so I suspect you can.

If so, this needs to be sorted out with the teacher NOW.....find out exactly WHY he doesn't want to go, and what the school are prepared to do to make sure he is happy when he is there, and happy when he is going in.

What about friends his own age? What happens when friends come over to play/ he goes to theirs? Is he happy with this?

As you've said he's enjoying the more challenging work, but otherwise complains of not learning anything, is there any chance he could be needing even more advanced work (in other subjects) - perhaps they aren't differentiating well enough.

You may get some good advice on the gifted and talented board about that issue.

Thanks for your messages school have been quite supportive.The depute headteacher spoke to us both one morning when he was very upset.He says he doesn't like writing,which I know, he chooses to do the minimum possible but excells at everything else.He said the children in his class don't like him and one girl is quite nasty he feels different, school is not exciting and he can do the work already.He loves playing on educational computer game at home eg I subscribe to education city for my other son with learning difficulties and he works at level c.He does this independantly and has done since 3years.He says he wants to stay with me and do more exciting things.The teachers of his class are a job share and they don't seem to be very supportive and as he is quite in class and not complained they just feel he has social difficulties and needs to come out of his shell.They don't know him very well,as he loves playing witholder siblings.

Have you considered letting your son do as he suggests, by learning at home with you and spending time with his older siblings and his other friends? He sounds like he could be well suited to home education.

I think some very bright children tolerate school up to a point. There may have been things to interest them at school which compensate for the fact that most of the work will probably always be far too easy. But there does very often come a point when they decide it is just not worth it, and the boredom is too high a price to pay. They stop cooperating and switch off in some way.

Few kids will sponteously think of the idea that they might learn elsewhere, because they are surrounded by people who go to school unquestioningly, so this is quite an original idea which your son has come up with. If he isn't "himself" at school - not the boy you know - it suggests that his needs are not being met there now.

Home education is pretty straightforward to do and parents have great flexibility in choosing the approach which suits their child. It could give your son the opportunity to learn at whatever level is right for him, while socialising with a wider range of people than he has access to at school.

I agree with Saracen - have you thought about homeschooling?

Thanks,but we have considered this but due to the fact that I don't feel I have the Knowlege to teach him all the subjects he will need .He already has shown interest in learning a knew language. His peers one is in her last year at medical school ,one is working and one is at special needs college but will be at home next year perminently.He loves to socialise but with older children and due to his interverted nature also wants time to himself to do the thing he most enjoys.We have also thourght of private school but can't afford this at present.We were trying to work with school to adress his needs but at present with his current teachers this is not working very wll. I feel helpless and now upset and worried ,I just want him to be happy and thriving.

Its good that the school is generally supportive, but the class teachers are the most important
Sounds like a mix of not enough stimulation (yes, do see the G&T board for help with this one?) and difficulty in making friends/feeling different. Have you ever had any of the children who are NOT nasty to him over for a play? Tried to find some common ground between them? If he's thinking in older/more advanced ways he's going to find it hard to play with them - but you may be able to find things they have in common to focus on, be it sport, something creative, films, whatever.
I would ask the Deputy or the Head for a chat, and ask for advice - explain the current system isn't working. Hopefully they will act as advocates for your ds with his classteachers, and find a plan they can work with which will help?

I mean this in a kind/helpful way - I think you are misunderstanding what homeschooling is like. You don't need to worry about what subjects you are already good at, you learn together. He could still have plenty of chance to socialise.

It's not right for everybody of course, but it is worth bearing in mind, IMHO, especially as he's asking to stay home. He's a clever lad and may thrive on autonomous (self directed) learning.

He says he wants to stay with me and do more exciting things.

yep that's pretty much what Home Ed entails. Check out the specialised board on MN, you may be surprised.

hiya, it sounds to me like trying home education might be just the right thing for your son.

he can learn at HIS pace and have time for himself too.

i really wouldn't worry about your own knowledge level, you'd probably be surprised at how much you DO know, and, as others have said, you learn alongside them (plus there are some amazing resources available free on the internet).

It looks like Home Ed seems the consenses,but I have lots of concerns eg socialisation been the main.He spends a lot of time with my other son who has developemental difficulties and has a mental age of seven (he was very ill when small which caused brain damage)DD needs more stimulation than this and nexted year I will be caring for my elder son during the day.I really hoped school could help dd through this difficult period.

He'd probably just rather be at home playing.

I won't go into the whole story here, but I had a similar problem with my DS in his second year at school.

He too was very bright, could read fluently on arrival at school, worked out how to add and subtract negative numbers in Reception etc. He did OK in Reception - it was a mixed Reception / Year 1 class, he was taught with the Year 1s and given extension work, his teacher was interested in him, etc. The odd bullying incident but that was sorted and he and we were happy.

In Year 1 - mixed Year 1/2 class this time - he became very stressed, very withdrawn, developed a severe speech impediment, stopped enjoying school and started to refuse to go in. He also stopped making progress. his teacher kept the small number of Year 1s together, so he was no longer being extended or working with children of similar ability. he was also (though we didn't find this out till later) being physically bullied and the classroom was sometimes intimidatingly chaotic due to other children's behaviour.

Like you, we deliberated long and hard about what to do. I deregistered him from school to home ed on a temporary basis - keeping to the National Curriculum, but pitching his work at the correct and interesting level, giving him lots of love and nurture and space to recover, and keeping up all the out of school social activities he enjoyed - swimming, football, rugby, Beavers - to maintain social contact with his peers.

We then moved to a different town, and after a very careful process of visiting and evaluating schools (looking for one which was nurturing but stretching academically) he re-entered school for the last few weeks of Year 1. He LOVED it, quickly collected a large gang of friends and has bounced into school every day since (he's now in Year 5). His speech impediment has disappeared, although he still needs structure in his life he is no longer frequently anxious, and most importantly he has a peer group of children with whom he feels quite comfortable to excel academically.

So one option might be temporary home education while looking to return your son to a different school where his particular academic needs might be better met and where there might be a peer group of children more akin to him (I should have said that DS's first school was a small village one, his new school a large 2 form entry town-centre school - at the very extremes of ability there is more chance of meeting another child of similar ability if the cohort is large)? I know that in Scotland attending schools 'out of catchment' is perhaps less common than in many parts of England, but is that a possibility for you?

before i started home ed i was very worried about socialisation, dd is an only child with no cousins or extended family.

i can honestly say that since starting home ed last september, my dd has made more friends than she ever had at school (and she enjoyed school and was popular). we find ourselves having to turn down invitations to events and activities through lack of time.

i joined the local home ed group (search yahoo groups for your local one). it might be worth looking into your local home ed social scene to see what is going on. home ed groups tend to have a wide and varied age/ability range and it is likely that your other son would be able to join in with some things. home edders are very inclusive :)

for example, my dd is learning to ski in a group with ages 7-16 (and they are all lovely fab kids).

It's true. I'm home educating an average-ability 11yo and a developmentally delayed four year old. It isn't a problem; each one is able to learn according to her own ability and her own needs.

They are very attached to each other and have many friends of various ages, some home educated and some not. In fact, after trying school last year my older daughter came out again, partly because school interfered with her busy social life by keeping her with the same small fixed group every day.

Many people who are HEing a very bright child don't "teach" them as such, but rather help the child find out what he wants to know, giving him access to libraries, the internet and other knowledgeable adults according to what interests him. It is very different to the school model and doesn't rely on an adult who knows everything.

Hi again
Thanks for all you messages,we have discused at length dd's problems and have decided to give school until the end of term to try and help him fit into school and encourage him to open up and maybe tell us what is wronge.The depute sopke to us and promised to try and encourage the class teacher to met his needs more fully.
If things don't improve we will re think in August with the new school year,whether to home ed or change schools.

Good luck!! I hope everything works out well.

This happened to my DD in year 1. After a year of specialists being involved when she said that she didn't want to live any more (age 6!!) I moved her to a different school and all the problems disappeared. The first school wouldn't work with me at all to sort out the problems and the specialists claimed her problems were all my fault. Amazing really since she's been the happiest of children since she was moved to a different school - not even a hint of a problem!! I just wish that I'd moved her sooner rather than waiting a year. She's 14 now, is still a very happy child and is getting As in her GCSEs. I was prepared to home ed if the new school hadn't worked out.

The problem with moving schools is there is only one in our area and I am not sure if we would be able to move him to a different one. We live in a village with a large school of approximately 300 children.The nearest schools are eight miles away in the next village which has 3 schools which are over subscibed.
Yet another morning of dragging him to school no crying but still saying he feels unwell and can't go to school,but I insisted calmly that he must or I will get into trouble!

The good thing about keeping him in school is that it is only a couple of months before the end of the year, and he will have a different teacher next year. I would reward him at the end (or possibly in the middle) of each week for being brave about school, and acknowledge that sometimes we do have to do things we don't want to. Your deputy sounds very supportive, and it is good that she is pushing the teachers to help him more.

At 6.5yo, 2 months is the equivalent % of life as 9 months for a 30yo!

Another way to look at it is that he has been having trouble for a while and has never particularly enjoyed school, so perhaps it is time to do something different. A lot of energy is going into making him go to school - it could be going into something that would enrich his life.

OP, do you have a timescale in mind of when the school has to improve by and what they have to do for you to be happy to send him back in August? Do you feel more confident with the teacher of next year's class? If the answers are "no", you risk getting to the point where he goes reluctantly in August (*because nothing has been resolved) and then you feel you have to give the school more time (because everything starts afresh in August, so suddenly you count from then, IYSWIM).

Yes,just seven weeks to end of term,we don't know which classes the children will be in and which teachers they will have next year until a week before the end of term.They have composite classes and some jobs shares but this can change year by year.I can see the danger of thinking it will improve next year and depending on which teacher he gets the problems may continue! But feel I have no other option,than to give the management team time to improve things and hope the teacher next year is more in tune with his needs.

I am also talking to dd and trying to find out what would make things better for him and if things are still the same in seven weeks we may have to rethink his education placement.