How can I help DD to be friendlier?

[Lastyearsmodel]

DD1 (4.10) is in Reception. She's always been single-minded about doing what she wants to do, chooses to be quiet (rather than shy) and stand back to suss out a situation/activity before she acts and can fly off the handle very quickly if frustrated. She's oldest of my 3 DC and can be bossy or 'big sisterly' as her teacher put it, and quite surly at times. Her teacher hasn't mentioned any unwanted behaviour, but if she acts at school they way she sometimes is with her younger brother, I can imagine she'll find it difficult to make/sustain friendships.

She seems to have settled in quite well at school but apparently has trouble understanding that you can be friends with someone but not necessarily play with them every day, and hence, you are still friends with them if they play with someone else sometimes.

Anyway, today she said she went off to another room to 'make a friendly group' with a teacher (actually a children's centre worker) and 3 other children who I know have had trouble with their behaviour. School didn't mention anything and it was the last day of term.

What should I make of this? And how can I help her to be friendly and kind to other children?

Think the school are amazing that they have picked up on social skills issues so quickly and are actually doing something constructive about it - many schools will suggest playdates - which can only help so much but they don't necessarily address the issues in school.

Our school have employed someone to help children who struggle socially to learn the necessary skills on the job - in the playground...she is amazing, my dd has gone from being on her "list" - kids she especially looks out for, with my dd playing with her every day - to being completely independent of her - because she now has her own friends.

Thanks, Jenga. It helps to think of it as social skills and not 'ohmygod, she's in with the naughty kids cos she's being awful to people at school' which is what I could be thinking in my more paranoid moments .

This school thing is SO much harder than I thought.

My friend's DS was put into a social-skills group. He's a lovely little boy and is no trouble at school but doesn't really understand how to converse, make friends etc. I think it is quite common for schools to do this.

Is she going to start rainbows when she is 5 (Girlguides)?

My DD started in january and has really blossomed there. A good opportunity to practise social skills and she may be less bossy as she will be the youngest (age range is 5-7)

Dixiechick - hadn't thought about that for social skills. I did look into it but as she's not 5 til June she wouldn't start until September. But you're right, it would help. I'll get in touch again and see if there's a waiting list.

I think a lot of it might be because we've had a lot on this past year, with DD2 arriving (DC3), DD1 starting school, etc. I've been stressed and very sleep deprived so a bit shouty and it's clearly been rubbing off on her.

SInce I first posted, I've done a lot of thinking about my shouty moments and how I can calm down. We've had a chat as well, about what's kind and what's not, and I'm gently bringing it to her attention if she starts getting stroppy, teasing, etc. It all feels much better already.

And I should be glad the school are acting on it. I've realised it's one of the reasons the older kids in the school are so friendly and polite - because the school values social skills.

Thanks all.