My son hates school - I can't change his school again, surely?

[krepsly]

My son is 10 and never really "got on" with school. In his first week in reception he was in trouble and it kind of continued all through the years until it got to the point where he was branded a "problem child" and made to sit in coridoors to do his work, threatened with exclusion and placed on school action plus. I thought the biggest problem was the set of kids he was hanging around with (although I knew he wasn't an angel) and when he got beaten up on the way home from school one day I changed him to a different school.

Well he was fine for the first few weeks, seemed to really enjoy it but not it's been four months and it's all starting up again. He says he's being bullied, everyone hates him, he's always in trouble etc etc but I'm not that blinded that I don't see a pattern emerging here - it can't ALL be everyone else, can it?!

It's getting to the point where he doesn't want to go to school but when I've mentioned it to the teacher he says DS is just as bad, kicking people, getting involved in wrestling games which always goes too far, he called someone fat (in retaliation to them calling him a retard although DS was the one that decided to say it as the teacher walked past )

I just don't know what to do. He's coming to the end of year 5 now, I can't change him again because apart from anything else, the problems will more than likely follow him!

He just hates school and tbh I'm concerned that once he starts secondary next year and is given more independance (which I'll have to give him as I'll be in uni/placement full time) he's likely to just not bother going.

WWYD??

You're probably right that your son's problems would follow him if he changes schools. So what about leaving school altogether?

Could you home educate him for the next year and a half until you start your full-time placement? It might be enough of a break to get him out of the vicious cycle he is in and help him feel more positive about education, about his ability to get on with other kids, and about himself in general.

If his main contact with other children is not at school but instead playing out with others in the neighbourhood, or going to Scouts or a sport or some such, he will probably have a very different experience of socialising. It's a less pressurised environment when it isn't the same group of kids together all day five days a week. The leaders of after-school activities are often better able to crack down on bullying and other bad behaviour because most of the kids are keen to be there, they can supervise the kids better, and they have the option/threat of kicking troublemakers out, which schools can't easily do.

A break from school might be enough to boost your lad's self-esteem and get him into better habits so he can start off secondary school on the right foot.

Could you go proactively into the school, ask for a meeting and tell them you want to work with them to help him change the pattern. Maybe they could work out something he/ they/ you agree on in terms of discipline and rewards, mentors, etc. Got to be worth a try.

I second smee. When I was told by my DS2's Y4 teacher that he was being disruptive (although I have since realised teacher was exaggerating and mixing DS2 up with DS1, who was not the quietest or most conformist) I asked the teacher if I could come in to see him every week on Friday after school and he could give me a report of what my DS had done in the week. I told my DS that there would be sanctions if he had done "bad" things at school.

As it turned out, teacher just told me that DS talked a bit in lessons, that teacher had already reprimanded him so I took no further action, but I did keep going into school and checking.

I don't think taking him out of school is the answer. Unless you are preapred to HE him forever, he will have to go back sometime. Is there anyone - friend/relative.. who he really respects who could talk to him as he's now 10 and should be of an age where he can start to understand consequences. You do have to do something, though. Perhaps you could work with the school at changing his responses to other people. Also, I would look up the kidscape site on the web, they have good info about bullying.

If your DS is on school action plus, there should be some kind of outside intervention involved. Is there a behaviour support outreach in your county? A learning mentor or nurture group? Have you been in touch with CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health services)? You can get a referral through your GP - they can help with anxiety caused by bullying, it's not just for the 'big' MH issues.

Has the school asked for the Ed Psych to see him?

I think that as your DS's problems have emerged in more than one setting, you need to consider whether there are underlying issues. What are his academic levels and social skills like? Behavioural problems are often the first sign of specific learning difficulties or conditions like Asperger's.

Behavioural problems can also be a sign of boredom and a teacher's inability to engage all the pupils.

I would also advise you arrange for a meeting with the school to "work together" to change your son's ways - and perhaps if he sees you are interacting with the school it might bring a positive reaction and change with him.

I can't home-school him, I work and am at college and I'd have to make him go back in september when I start uni anyway. He'd never want to go back.

His academics are average levels in English and Science but lower than average in maths. The new school said the old school exagurated about his behaviour and he's no longer on school action plus and to be fair, they don't call me every 5 minutes like the old school did saying he's done this and that but he dislikes this new school even more than the old school.

I hated school tbh so I totally see where he's coming from with not wanting to go but I don't want him to make the same mistakes I did. I want to change it for him, preferably before he starts secondary school because if secondary school starts going wrong - that's a whole different kettle of fish

I agree with sharpsidedcove. Which outside agencies have already had involvement with your ds? Have you also met with them?

Sorry - just re-read your message.

If I were you, I would be asking for a referral to the behaviour support team. Explain to the head or senco how unhappy he is at school.