How to deal with this? its breaking my heart :(

[ktbabe]

my 7 year old daughter has pretty much always had issues making friends. She is currently in year 2 and has had this problem since the reception class. The other kids will speak to her in passing or in the classroom, but playtime and any other activity (school trips, discos etc) they wont say a single word to her.

She has just come back from her very first school disco that she was really excited about, and told me she never ever wants to go to one again. I asked my son who was also at this disco (hes in year 4) what happened and he said she was just sat in a corner the whole time looking sad.

We have tried playdates, inviting kids in her class over for tea and even arranging to meet at the local park on weekends. All to no avail. The kids either decline, dont turn up, or turn up and dont speak/play with my daughter, but rather play on their own or do their own thing.

I spoke to her teacher about this twice since september, and her year 1 teacher was also aware of this (infact, she was the one that told me about it at a parents evening). Both teachers said they would try getting her to mix with the other kids, well it doesnt seem to be working :(

How do i handle this? she is very, very unhappy.

Didn't want to read and run - poor little thing!
I would. . .

1. Definitely speak to the school again - do not be fobbed off by 'we'll try'! Why was she allowed to sit on her own in a corner at the disco ffs???
2. Could you speak to any of the other mums at all and explain the situation? Not all of them obviously, just one or two with nice dd's? Tell them your dd is struggling and you don't know what to do - you may find they 'encourage' their dd's to include your girl. I often make a point of telling my dd's to look out for a particular child in the playground if their mum has mentioned to me that they have been having a difficult time with someone or other in class.
3. Could you enrol her with a local drama group (if she likes that sort of thing?) Could be a great confidence giver?

Don't know what else to suggest but primarily the school MUST act on this - it is shocking that it has not improved since September. Not everyone in lfe will be kind to our dc, but jesus christ the school has an OBLIGATION to ensure she feels safe and protected, emotionally and all, whilst at school - which she obviously doesn't.
Please come back on here and let us know how you get on.
You can PM me - I have a 7 year old dd who is very knid and would love a penpal!!!!!

Lingle - I really appreciate your post. My DD is going through exactly the same thing and what you wrote about sticking up for people is exactly what she does and then falls back/by the wayside when they're not so vulnerable. She is now in Y9 and still finds things tricky. DS1 who is very popular is trying to give her pointers, but she is so different from him, and it's a girl thing that he finds hard to understand. Her year is so different from his.

Sorry for the hijack, OP. In your situation i would talk to the teachers again and don't let it lie. If you can, try to get things sorted now. I would also suggest Brownies, but make it a pack where other DC from the same school don't got. That's what my DD did and it worked fine, until others from school then joined. I do wish you luck. I think the bullying my DD experienced in primary still has a lasting effect, but I think the way she has dealt with it also has something to do with it. Not saying that about your DD as she is still so young.

Poor dd. However, I don't think we can expect parents or teachers to 'make friends' for children. I'm not sure whether playground buddies or special benches ever solve the problem really.

I think children who get left out perceive that the other children are friends all the time. They watch them play and work together and don't know how to crack into that friendship bubble.

If you watch 6-7 year olds form working groups in the classroom, there will be several groups of children who gravitate together, and there will be a couple of children left sitting in their seats, a little bewildered, who need to be placed in a group by the teacher. These children don't seem to understand that they have to make an effort to communicate - that they need to get up to ask if they can be in a group, or to join in a game in the playground.

I think any socialising must be on the child's own terms. It could be as simple as buying a puffle, which happens to be the same as another girl's puffle. That would give them something in common, and something to talk about. TV programmes / ds games - all things to start conversations. A series of books they all read. IMHO it's all about making her part of the herd (of course, that's if she actually WANTS to be part of the herd!)

Another problem may be that she hasn't got anyone who she wants to be friends with - no-one she particularly likes. Is it a small class?

Hugs, wish I could wave a magic wand over your DD, my DD1, myself and every other child and adult who finds making friends difficult.
There doesn't seem to be an answer, I wish there was.

DD1 is by far the more generous and easy going of my two girls and yet finds making friends really hard.
She's dyslexic which doesn't help because faces and names get forgotten but the subtleties of fitting in with the majority pass her by. She does things her way and because she wants to, not because that's what everyone else does. BUT she will not hurt or upset people to do it her way.

DD2 instinctively seems to have an eye on what everyone else does, knows everyone's name and just finds other people interesting. She finds making friends simple. DD2 will go to great lengths to support her friends but she also likes the world to revolve around her and can be a grade A pain when it doesn't.

Sorry I'm hijacking too, what I'm trying to say is that its impossible to work out quite how making friends works (the SEN dept at DD1s school have tried and failed), but you both have to keep trying to make friends (in different groups from school if possible) and learn to be happy with your own company at the same time. DD1 does have a few special friends, but they are the daughters of family friends and girls she knows at Guides (not people at school) and therefore they don't loose "street cred" for being kind to DD1 and
Likewise I have only a very few friends, but they are proper friends with whom I can be me and I'm terribly lucky that one of them is DH

I was not saying that teachers or parents should be expected to 'make friend's for other children but maybe the other children are not aware of how this little girl is feeling - it is very easy to get wrapped up in a group, particularly groups of little girls! Maybe if they knew they may act differently? And the teachers certainly have a duty to ensure that child is not being left out at playtime etc.
As a parent I would try EVERYTHING! We step in and help our young children all the time, we dont just 'let them get on with it themselves' in lots of ways, crossing roads, homework, selecting suitable activities - why is making friends any different? It is all very well and good saying it may get easier as she gets older etc but she is only 7 and that means an awful lot of unhappy school days if it is not sorted.

Can I recommend Bullies Bigmouths and So Called Friends - it's aimed at 9 to 12 year olds so you'd probably have to read through yourself first and read it with her rather than let her read it on her own. I got it pre-emptively ready for ds1 to start secondary on recommendation and it's really well written - ds1 learned loads from it and even ds2 (aged 6) flipped through and got bits out of it.

It mainly works on building up self-esteem and gives various tactics for dealing with situations - the idea being that a happy confident person is going to be able to brush off slights more easily, be better mentally equipped to deal with the more serious stuff and be less of a target.

It does sound like she's got into a bit of a spiral - she's unhappy and miserable so she's attracting more of it :( Agree with the others that an outside activity is key. I was bullied horribly in secondary school, but I gained confidence drastically when I joined a group outside of school, made friends there and then realised it wasn't me. I was perfectly likeable and able to make friends.

'And the teachers certainly have a duty to ensure that child is not being left out at playtime etc.'

I agree they have a duty of care, and will always try to organise a friendship group, but IME this rarely works. You can't make children play with each other, and at this age they will quickly forget to take care of the other child as they are off their radar.

I had a little girl this year who was incredibly unhappy - no friends, played with some Y1 children, if anyone. Two months into the academic year, a girl moved next door to her who also joined my class. Her assertiveness has drawn the lonely girl into a little friendship group, and it is lovely to see her blossoming. So this was just a slight change in classroom dynamic that made all the difference.

I agree that it seems to be a self-esteem issue. We are finding forest school is having some positive effects, as it is helping the less confident children gain kudos from the others.

This was my little girl!.But in her case she changed school and the situation transformed itself overnight.If the other girls have been ignoring her for years it is likely that that behaviour has become too entrenched to change.