Help: Y5 Literacy: 'Persuasive writing'- long, sorry!

[erebus]

DS2 (9) isn't doing very well in his Literacy. He's just finished a 10 week 1:1 in-school tutoring block, largely based around 'story writing', use of punctuation.

As class homework at the weekend, he was given a letter, as if written from a DC to a teacher. It goes:

Dear Miss,

I don't think we should have homework every week.

Homework is boring and I am too lazy to do it anyway so you shouldn't give it to us.

I would rather be playing with my friends or watching TV.

There is no point to homework, it doesn't help us anyway.

In conclusion, I don't think you should give us anymore homework.

Yours...

Q: "What is wrong with this letter?
Is the argument persuasive? Why not? Write a few notes for a new, better version using what you have learnt about persuasive texts. On a separate piece of paper write your new version. Can I be persuaded?"

DS's notes say: No paragraphs, not persuasive, no counter argument. Just him no one else (has I not we). No explaining of argument.

His letter goes:

Dear Miss,

We shouldn't get homework every day becasue we have clubs to do like

-Cubs
-Sport
-Wild Life Explorers

When we leave school we would be tired so we would not do our best at home. We are alright to do reading but not a lot of homework as we should do schoolwork at school'

Yours...

The teacher has marked it (tho I am not sure she saw his notes!) 'You have no introduction or conclusion. You have not used the persuasive techniques learnt in class last week'

Now, obviously I wasn't in class last week so I have no idea what 'persuasive techniques' were taught. DS (who is a bit vague at the best of times!) upon questioning now says they were told they must use 'you' and 'we' lots; say 'I would like' as opposed to 'I want': 'I'd like to talk to you about'.

Please note I am not suggesting the teacher is wrong, but I am at a loss as to what, exactly, DS should have produced. What would you expect? Bear in mind DS had the tutoring because he was tested at level 2a before Xmas (eek!) but I think he's working around a 3, myself.

Your input greatly appreciated.

Bump? Once you've finished marking those 32 other 'persuasive writing' letters?

DS (Yr 6) offers...

Rhetorical questions (what would you think about xyz), time connectives (firstly, secondly, thirdly, finally), opening para (set out the issue) and conclusion, incorporate facts and figures .

Hope that helps.

www.lancsngfl.ac.uk/nationalstrategy/literacy/getfile.php?src=183/PersuasiveWritingA4.pdf&s=4d921013938b4ea6acf3050359641e09

www.lancsngfl.ac.uk/nationalstrategy/literacy/getfile.php?src=601/5+Persuasion.pdf

I have a ds in y5 and I have asked him to read your post and he said he would have written more detailed explanations because he hasn't fully explained his arguments. For example on Tuesdays ds1 comes home from school at 3:45, eats dinner at 4:15 and leaves for his martial arts lesson at 4:45. His martial arts lesson is 5:15pm to 7pm, gets home at 7:15, has a bath then goes to bed at 8pm. This means he hasn't got the time to do homework. He also said that if he had to do homework at 8 then he would be tired and grumpy so might fight with his friends and not concentrate in class which would make his teacher angry.

He also said that when he does homework then the teacher has to mark it so no homework means no marking.

As an intro, he said he would write something like
" Dear Miss,
I am writing this letter because you asked me to write what I think about homework."
He said his conclusion would be something like
" I hope that you agree with me and cancel all homework forever."
From Jack"

The intro and conclusion don't sound particularly persuasive to me but ds is on top table for literacy.

He needs to have the basic structure:

? An opening statement ?

? Arguments ? in the form of points with elaboration ?

? Summary and restatement of the opening position ?

This is a great website that helps with features and structure of all text types.
writingfun

Use the numbered circles at the bottom to show examples of real children's writing at different ability levels.

Hope this helps!

Thanks everyone very much- thanks for the links, and do thank the DCs who have contributed as well. I can see where DS 'fell over', in that although he wrote 'a persuasive letter' of sorts, it wasn't structured in the way that was required, following the lesson.

Ds also said that you should use realistic arguments and polite language like please to be persuasive.