Year 1 parents evening

[Overtiredmum]

Need some advice please from you lovely lot! Attended parents evening last week and ever since I feel like I have been a crap mother and I am letting my DS down. DS is 5, in Year 1 and with his birthday at end of June, probably one of the youngest in his class. At home he is fun, confident and funny and I always assumed he was the same at School. We have the odd moment with him being cheeky etc, but he's 5, so expect it!

Basically, his teacher said that he has no confidence, and although he does the work, he has no enthusiasm for it. Work standard-wise, he is about where he should be, but he could be higher. His reading has really come on this term, but hes not really interested in maths.

She also said she is concerned because she thinks he is over-sensitive, in that if he is playing with a toy and someone takes it away, he cries. Or if she is rewarding a child, then DS cries if she does not reward him. He is a sensitive child, is very caring towards others and yes, I probably do reward him too easily, but am now worried, I am making him like this.

DS, DH and I chatted afterwards, and we have made star charts for things, ie. not to cry when something taken away. We have agreed to spend half an hour an evening doing maths or english with him, and also agreed that we will now reward him with small pocket money, so he can save for the things he wants, rather than him doing something good and us buying it for him.

His confidence seems to have been knocked by her comments, as he doesn't want to read etc. That worries me.

Then tonight he comes home with a note in his contact book, saying that he lied about pushing over a boy in the playground on Friday and then lied about something else today, and then he cried because he didn't want teacher telling me about it.

I now feel like he is scared of me, why would he not want me finding out? He says it is just because he didn't want me to be angry. I don't smack my children and yes, I do shout at times, but then which parent hasn't at some stage?

I am really feeling like a bad parent now and wonder if anyone can give me ideas of what we can do with him at home to help him improve. DH works days and I work evenings, so only time we have together as family is weekend.

Thanks and sorry for rambling. x

I'd ease off on the star charts etc. Sounds like he's putting enough pressure on himself. :(

And I'd focus on activities that are fun. He's only little and she does say that he is where he should be. :)

Thanks Sarky, she made his sensitivity sound abnormal because apparently "they have usually grown out of it by now". DS said that there are only three toys he likes, and there are a couple of kids that take the toys off him, because they know he will cry and then they laugh.

I told him to walk away and get another toy and show them that he isn't bothered.

Aww. Mean kids :(

'abnormal' is a really strong term. 'unusual' maybe? But don't all kids have some aspect of their personality that is unusual?

poor love, he is still only little. i had a kid cry because he couldn't colour in or a child next to him had different work and he was scared he had to do it.

try to get him more sleep. if you absolutely have to do extra work, make it fun and only 5-10 minutes.

challenge the teacher, tell her that ds is confident at home and socially and ask her what she is doing to raise his confidence in school.

It is not unusual for children to be less confident at school. If he is easily upset she should be taking more care of him and working on helping him to deal with disappointments.

I'd agree with the others max of 5-10 minutes work but don't let him think it is work play card games to help him with counting. Top trumps is good for number recognition and concepts such as working out which number is bigger. Read comics together you could read one page or line and he reads the next etc.

When DS was upset at nursery I got some of his action figures and we " role played" scenarios where he'd been upset so he could practice saying "no" walking away etc.

I think 5 is very young still and if he's confident at home I'd ask his teacher for her plans on building his confidence at school. We're in Scotland so with a late Sept birthday DS (6) is just about the youngest boyin his class (year 1 equivalent) and I can see the difference between him and the boys who are older. I hope your son's teacher helps she may just need you to keep asking what is happening

Many thanks all, we played snakes and ladders before I came to work this evening, and he loved it, so will be using more fun ways to help him.

x

Personally, I'd ease off the star charts at home. If it's anything like my son's year 1 class they will be "rewarded" to the hilt at school: star charts; house points; table points; star of the day etc etc. I'm not a big fan of all this incentivisation anyway, but given how much of it goes on at school I wouldn't use it at home.

If it were me, I'd try and give him lots of time playing games of his choosing etc. Don't introduce a strict half hour of maths/English- again they do enough at school and you can introduce some of this stuff just by playing- just read his reading book and other books with him. If he doesn't want to read other books- your read books he chooses to him.

Children have to learn to become more resilient and less sensitive about life's knocks and disappointments, but TBH, he IS only 5. I think he has plenty of time before it becomes a concern. And young boys are often less emotionally developed than their female peers. Just talk through his concerns with him, let him know you always love him and rather than focus on the negative praise the positive. Also, make sure you praise his efforts rather than just the end result.

Hope that helps- just my take on it. (Obviously much easier to give advice to other parents than raise one's own children)

Another vote for top trumps.
Monopoly is another good game for numbers.

Long though. Weekends only.

Thanks all, I really appreciate your views. Am thinking I should just drop the charts and get down to the basic, good old fun! Need to find some games that DD(1.11) can join in too!

Definitely definitely make any 'learning' at home all about fun. The learning should be an offshoot of the fun you are having together. Especially as he is where he should be in terms of attainment, according to teacher.

Snakes and Ladders is a brilliant start. And sounds like you both enjoyed it! So much in it - counting, totalling dice if you play with 2, how many more until you hit the ladder etc Simple games like I Spy or categories - think of an animal, place, colour and so on all beginning with one letter are great for the literacy side too. Games like this are also great for learning the interpersonal skills like turn-taking, being a good loser etc that might perhaps bolster his self-esteem at school.

Also think you should ask teacher what she is doing to support his self-confidence at school - do they have circle time etc to promote understanding others' points of view, sharing and so on?

My ds is the same as yours. His birthday is end of June, so he's one of the younger ones. He is quite sensitive about pressure at school, he was really excited to be started on word worms just recently for example. He compares himself unfavourably to the bigger boys and girls in his class and what they can do, and so his confidence can take a knock as a result.

Funnily enough at this parents' evening, the Year 1 teacher said the same as the Reception teacher said the year before - that in the last few months he's really grown in confidence (in numeracy in his case, his writing is still dreadful) and I think it just takes him that autumn term + a bit to really settle in - this is despite being with all the same classmates as the year before! New teacher, new classroom, and don't underestimate the transition from Reception to Year 1 as well where it's more classroomy and less learn-through-play.

My ds once came home distraught from nursery saying he'd been put in a time out, the assistants had no idea what he meant and thought maybe he'd been so upset by someone else's time out that he'd thought it was about him. Little children are sensitive. Presumably you can talk to him calmly about the school's rules on being nice to one another and how he needs to make sure if he does something wrong he owns up to it?

I didn't tell my ds any of the negative feedback from his teacher, just said how well he was doing and how it'd be great if we could work on finger spaces between words. Did the teacher give feedback to your ds directly?

Please don't make him a star chart for not crying.

There's plenty of time for him to pick up that old message about 'boys don't cry' and become your stereotypical emotionally repressed male.

The teacher gave us feedback in front of him, which he of course understood as he replied several times to what she was saying ie. "I was crying because they took toy away".

Wish I'd posted on here last week and saved myself and DS too many hours of worry. I praise him all the time, and will drop to added work, I don't want to make the pressure worse.

I am not unhappy about him being sensitive, my DH (his dad) is also quite sensitive, so it runs in the family.

Thanks again all, you've really helped me and DS x

Orchard Toys do loads of good quality, fun and educational games. DD will be too young unfortunately! Will need to try different ways of having the time with DS without DD getting in the way trying to join in. I struggle with this too. maybe put a pack of cards/games board in front of her and pretend to be taking turns with her in between playing for real with DS.

I agree, drop the star charts and relax. Maybe go away for a long weekend. Sounds like you need a break!

My mum was lovely, but I worried terribly about her finding out when I'd been naughty. I just cared so much about her being disappointed with me. The fear is always worse than the reality! Most 5 year olds would go to pieces at the threat of the teacher telling mum. You're not a dragon, don't worry!

FWIW I think the teacher sounds pretty pants. Insensitive at the very least. Fancy having a 5 year old sitting in to a critique like that!

Yep - could definitely do with a break, and am counting down til the end of June when we have a week at Center Parcs - can't wait!

DS loves spending time with just with two of us, might leave DD with DH at some stage over the weekend and have some quality time, just the two of us.

Will have a look at the Orchard Toys, have seen some before on Amazon. His teacher mentioned Learning Resources, but they are a little our of our price-range.

You sound like such a fab mum!

I am actually quite shocked at the teacher's comments, and really that she made them in front of your DS.

My DS is also in Year 1, also born in June, and also sensitive. He is really lucky though to have a lovely, warm, friendly teacher who said at parents' evening that children of that age are still so young and are still learning (obviously) how to get on with each other, negotiate, be happy for others when they are successful, etc.

Am pretty too at the contact book with notes home about lying! Have never heard of a teacher doing this, and my son's at a fairly average state school. At that age I think it should all be about positive behaviour, not noting down every small misdemeanour.

I think the emphasis on formal "work" for a five-year-old is verging on crazy anyway. I think lots of fun, laughter and games at home is perfect for your DS!

Please do not beat yourself up over this teacher's comments - you're doing a great job. I hope your DS gets a lovely teacher for Year 2

Bless you, thank you Wildspinning. To be honest, I think I'll be having words shortly if this continues, as I am worried will really will start to have a negative impact on his confidence. His headmistress always stresses that the children should come home saying that they played all day when asked what they have done, not what they have learnt - if that makes sense! He loves school, and his friends, and his teacher, and I don't want this to change, or who the person he is.

I feel like she doesn't realise that everyone has a different level of learning, his dad isn't particularly academic, but he is damn clever!

Do you think you may praise him too much? What I mean is, if you always tell him at home how wonderful everything he does is, he may come to rely on external appraisal and input to judge whether he has done well or not, rather than develop his own judgment. Then if he is not given lots of praise at school (and they are never going to give as much as a mum) he may feel he has failed.

I tend to over-praise, hence this comment. Please ignore it if it doesn't apply.

Would agree that 30 mins work an evening is too much at 5 - much better incorporate it into everyday life. Can he count out the money for shopping or read the TV guide to tell you what's on? Learning games are good too - we have several maths games on the Iphone and dd (6) will spend ages playing with them - it is a treat rather than a chore.

Dd is the youngest in the class by several months (late Aug birthday). I found that in reception they were very aware of the fact she was much younger than some of her peers, but this awareness faded in Yr 1 and the teacher expected her to be at the same developmental point as all of her peers and she simply was not.

I think I would focus on fun. No rewards but gently reminding ds when he gets emotional that it is not necessarily the most appropriate response.

Barbarian, you are probably right, I do praise him too much. He came home from school today telling me a little tale of how he had to sing on stage in front of the class, which I knew he was making up, I didn't get angry, just asked why he made it up, he just said that he wants to be able to do everything right, so maybe I put too much pressure on him to succeed in everything.

Note to self: CHILL OUT WOMAN!!

My DS, at 9.5, sometimes cries if he feels he made a bad trade with a Bakugan at school. Sigh.

He's waaay better than he used to be where tears were his default position!

And you wouldn't call him a 'cry-baby' sort!