Can't go to Mother's Day tea with any younger siblings - is this normal?

[Hangingbellyofbabylon]

My dd's are in Foundation and year 2 and have both brought me home an invitation asking me to come to school for a short bit on Friday afternoon - about 45 mins with each child in their classroom. They are doing a little presentation and making food etc 'as a thank you to all of our lovely mums'.

Sadly I won't be able to go as 'due to health and safety regulations.. we will not be able to accomodate younger siblings in the classroom'. I have 18 month old dd3 and no-one to look after her that afternoon. My two older dd's were in tears this afternoon as they really want me to be there and I feel pretty upset about it all as well. As it happens there are not many of us with younger siblings to bring and of those I've spoken to most seem to have someone else around to look after the little ones.

It just makes me sad that I am being excluding from this 'celebration for mums' precisely because I am a mum

ok, so I have written 2 polite but assertive letters explaining why I think the situation is unfair and asking them to reconsider. I'm not a complainer in general but for some reason this has got to me more than usual.

I'd be tempted to pull the dc out early on that day so they don't have to sit through it - but then I am a bit arsey

hmc was thinking that would be my next move if they won't let me go. feeling arsey myself now

Oooooh that is a bit mean of the school - I can understand that they might not want 20 buggies clogging up the corridors, or toddlers running wild, but so long as they make it clear that parents remain responsible for their DCs then why cant littlies come in so you don't have to miss out on a special event.

FWIW our head is a bit of an arse about younger DCs coming to assembly, but doesn't ban them, just insists that if they make so much as a whimper, that you whisk them straight out.

So I sent the dd's in with a letter each and now I'm feeling really sick and nervous about it all and feeling worried about picking them up from school. What am I like? I wish I could just have been not bothered about this all, instead I've got myself into a real state about it all

Don't stress about it - there will no doubt be others that feel the same but daren't put their heads above the parapet - let us know how you get on.

If you're in rural Northants then I'll have your DD for an hour so you can go

I've never heard of younger sibs being excluded on the grounds of H&S. We've had many a request not to bring them to the evening performance of the Christmas show (they put on one in the afternoon that younger sibs are welcome to come to) and parents evening where they can be disruptive and this I understand, but how sad that they are not welcome for a specific Mother's day celebration. I also suspect they are hiding behind the H&S excuse and that really they feel they can't accommodate lots of toddlers as well as excited KS1 children. Maybe another class has ALOT of younger siblings and the teacher is worried about chaos?

I had DS2 in a sling or in the pram by the side of the swimming pool when I was a parent helper for my sons year 5 swimming class. In this situation it was me making sure they realised that if the baby played up I wouldn't be much use as a parent helper. They were fine with it. I also took him along to many school events as a parent helper.

I'm assuming they're staggering the times for each class. If this is the case then is there a parent in another class you can ask to mind your little one while you go?

I'm with the others who suggested either pulling them out for the afternoon if the school won't budge (but then I'm an arsey one too!) or just going along with your youngest anyway - not to be deliberately obstructive, but because your children are upset by you not being able to go, you have no childcare and you're every bit as entitled to view your child's work as a parent who has no younger child at home.

Hope it goes well.

in my dds nursery they dont allow prams in the playround, coz of health and safety, but the actual kids are allowed in.....

omg . both of my dd's teachers who I thought I had quite a good relationship with avoided me at home-time and I was accosted by Mrs T, a very scary ks1 teacher (who does not teach or have anything to do with my dd's but is known to be a bit of a bully).

She told me to come into her classroom then told me that she had been given both notes (why?) and then went on to tell me that it was a special time for children with their mum and that siblings would be rude and disruptive and it would be chaotic. I told her it won't be special for my dd's because they won't have me there at all! . She kept going on about children causing 'chaos'.

I refused to back down and told them that I really saw the school in a different light now and was disappointed at how the school was not family friendly. I told her about all the other things I have not been able to do lately because of their no siblings policy and by this time my bottom lip was trembling because I had really no been mentally prepared to have to face up to the agressive Mrs T.

I left in tears with my poor dd's also upset as they had heard mrs t. talking to me like I was a child.

I bumped into a mum I know in the playground who is also a Governor. She was horrified and told me she would raise the problem at a governors meeting tonight.

Oh and get this... apparantly I'm not the only one to be upset - they have also refused a mum who is breastfeeding a newborn !! . She has been told she can come in after school on Friday and they said I can too but it will all be over by then and quite frankly after today I don't want me or my dd's to be there any more than they have to.

and for you hanging- that is dreadful treatment

I'm sorry you are so upset with the situation. Unfortunatley there are school events that many parents need to miss for a variety of reasons and school usually make an extra effort to make those children feel special.
I'm sure you would be very responsible for your younger ones, but not all parents are the same. I don't teach reception at the moment, but in the past I have mothers either completely ignore or smile and do nothing as their toddlers have completely trashed my classroom! One even got cross with me when I stopped their DC ripping up children's paintings from the drying rack. How dare I stop their child doing what they want to. These issues have happened at open house afternoons, special events and in private parents evening meetings / IEP meetings and when left unsupervised while parents trot off to the toilet or head's office, assuming someone would be responsible for their child. Problems have been: children's models smashed, book corner books scribbled over and torn, my lap top pulled off my desk and dropped on the floor, sand thrown in the eyes of other children, crayoning on my interactive whiteboard and a school age child bitten by a visiting toddler.

They too may have experience of things like this and that is why they can't accept younger siblings.

Hangingbelly - sounds like your stood your ground and argued your case, you did brilliantly. Well done you - sorry you got upset, but really impressed that you made your point. Glad the school governor mum is going to officially raise it. You know you are right. Teachers probably avoiding you because they feel like twunts (and so they should). That part of it will blow over - never fear

I am disgusted! I would write an officially letter to the governers complaining about the treatment you received after sending a letter to your DCs teachers. The governers will have to take a letter more seriously than a "point raised". Mrs T certainly does sound like a bully and that should not be tolorated in schools. Is she deputy head or H&S officer or something? If not it is completely inappropriate for her to be dealing with this issue.

Don't worry about being upset in front of your DDs, it is part of life that adults have difficult issues to resolve too, and if they see you resolving this issue in a possitive, assertive way, (like you would hope they would learn to do in life) then this will set a good example.

As for your dds teachers; sounds like they weere feeling a bit embarressed because they'd dobbed you in to Mrs T! Maybe they feel a bit embarassed at not handling the situation themselves as the should have. Maybe Mrs T is a bit of a bully to them too?

I'd probably go straight up to one of them after school tomorrow ask if you can have a moment to chat. I'd explain that you reallise it's school policy not to have siblings at events, you don't blame them directly but you feel strongly about the issue and felt the need to put it in writing. You were surprised that Mrs T had discussed the issue with you and hope it hasn't negatively effected your relationship.

I'd also, personally talk to as many parents as you can and get them on side. Will make you feel less alone. Bet noone likes Mrs T, she sounds pants!

Good luck and it will all seem better in a few weeks!

Oh and Abigail, I think your opinions and wealth of rather extreme experience may have best been kept to yourself after the day the OP has described. The fact is, a simple complaint was dealt with in a shockingly bad way. The OP was left in tears in front of a teacher and her DDs. She probably could have done without your input for today.

Good for you for standing up for yourself. The school's behavious is reprehensible. Of course some mums might be unable to come because they are working - I work during school hours and can't always take time off for things that happen in school time but your school's policy means that any mum with a younger child and no child care will never be able to come to these things.

Once a month, my dd's school have an "Open Afternoon" where parents are invited to come for the last 30 minutes of the day to take part in a task with the children and for the dc's to show us their work and their classroom. No restriction is explicity stated about either younger siblings or even the number of adults attending per child. Occasionally, parents with prams will be asked to leave the pram outside (though not the child in it!) but there is no other restriction. A certain amount of chaos is expected and certainly tolerated with good humour.

Poor you and more importantly your poor dc.

If I was you I think I'd take my children out of school for the day and do something special instead.

MsHighwater - the open afternoon sounds lovely. We are not allowed in our children's classrooms at all, my dd is only in yr2 but they go in, in the morning through the main door and come out again at 3.15pm. I haven't been in dd's classroom once since september apart from for a 5 min parent's eve. Dd is so proud of her work and I never get to see it and can't even imagine where she is sitting during the day.

Thank you for the messages of support. It's been making me feel less nutty and more justified. I guess we will see what tomorrow brings and I hope I find out what happened in the Governors meeting.

If the letters were sent to a class teacher, they do not have the authority to respond without SLT input and certainly can't change school policy, maybe that is why it was handed to Mrs T as a line manager. I agree she handled it badly and you should never have been spoken to agresively, she could have phoned you for a chat or to ask you to pop in without children present.

Jezabelle - I was sharing my experience to try and explain to the OP that the decision could have nothing to do with excluding her, but as the result of staff experience a problem in the past. Yes, I wasn't happy with the parents involved, but it doesn't mean I tar all parents with the same brush. I still have open house afternoons, but am wary about leaving any normal equipment in normal easy reach and do have half an eye on any toddlers. It's a shame that some people can spoil experiences for everyone else.

This sounds awful! Before I'd even read all the posts I was thinking I would just take my children out of school for half a day and take them somewhere special.

I've just got back from a happy morning watching my daughter's Easter Bonnet Parade with my baby. She was excited to have her little brother there too, and a lovely morning was had by all, even the younger siblings. I cannot imagine having to choose between my children where there really is no need for it.

I hate it when schools talk to mothers as though they are 1950s housewives with no mind of their own and not a single intelligent thought in their heads. I actually want to go and have a word with Mrs T on your behalf! I run our local Toddler Group and have been spoken to as though I were a child by one of the village hall committee who wished he had kept his trap shut as I calmly but firmly made him look like a complete twit when he had the misfortune to accuse me of something I didn't do. Pick another victim!

As for Happymumofone clearly your little darling won't have to put up with Other Children as you are happy with just the one. Butt out, you smug woman. You don't have, and never will have, any idea what it is to have more than one. It takes a lot to rile me, but you have.

Abigail, thank you for explaining your side. I can understand that occasionally toddler may be left to run riot, but I'm glad you don't leave mothers with younger children out as a result of past experience.

Hanging - I feel so sad for you that you have been unable to get a true picture of what your child does during the day, and never get to see there work My dd1 is in reception and we've been in for 2 15 minute parent consultations, a class assembly, initial talk about what they do in class, a "guided tour" of their classroom by our dcs and a Family Seal 8 week course. I feel very lucky. But then the foundation stage at our school did get ofsted outstanding. Ofsted would certainly frown upon the lack of parent involvement in your school!

I wish schools, doctors receptionists and other "officialdom" would get over this idea that we all have somewhere to leave our children. I have to take my 3 wherever I go as my parents are dead, my in-laws live 300 miles away and my close friends are childless and at work all day. It is also not possible for dh to just take a day off for all the random things thar crop up with 3 children at 3 schools.
Hanging - I'm so sorry you've been upset by school, have been there too and it sucks

Am psyching myself up for the afternoon school run and hoping I can get in and out without being got at by any meany teachers.

HOw awful I'm SO glad you talked to a parent governor, I hope she does something about it.

We're very lucky to have an 'open door' policy at dd's school - somewhat facilitated by the layout, from a security point of view. I can't imagine, with a child in KS1, not being able to see their work, pop in to help on appropriate occasions, etc. Am shocked and sad on your behalf.

Good luck hanging - you've got all us MNers agreeing with you - don't let them upset you