DD and her tricky friendship drama (Y2)

[BoxOfBricks]

Just wanted to post this and maybe gather some opinions on it

Suppose I'm wondering whether I'm doing the right thing, too, or whether I should be doing more

DD has been friends with a girl in her class since Reception. It seems that since the start of Y2 particularly, they've not been getting on very well (all normal stuff, nothing out of the ordinary IYSWIM - just going in different directions, I think)

But in the last month or so DD has been talking more and more about their arguments and behaviours etc. The teacher also flagged it up as a bit of a concern - something she wants to keep an eye on, anyway. The rows seem to be getting a bit more specific now - DD's friend will shout at her and get cross with her if she plays with others, or won't do as she says. DD has told me that on a couple of occasions she has pushed her and yesterday hit her in the face

Now, obviously I know that I am only getting DD's side of it. Both are 'strong personalities' and DD can be stroppy and shouty and will (verbally) 'give it back', IYKWIM. So I don't feel she's being bullied, as such, but also don't want my kid getting bashed on a weekly basis either... and don't want DD's assertiveness chipped away at. I don't want her to feel like she is trapped in this dynamic every playtime or whatever

We've talked about different ways to manage her friend, strategies to employ etc. But should I be doing anything else? As I said, teacher is aware

DD seems happy generally, has lots of other friends and enjoys going to school, btw.

That was a bit long, sorry

have you asked the teacher what she is doing and wht she recommends? as she is aware of what is going on she should be able to help. Or you could ask the head teacher, saying the teacher has told you this and what does he advise/ what happens across school to deaal with these things.

Hi

Teacher has 'separated' them in the classroom, IYKWIM

They aren't together for any group work stuff

I think it's playground time that's tricky

i would give your dd as much space from her friend as you possibly can.
are there any lunchtime clubs dd can do so she doesn't spend all that time in the playground?
if they both have hot dinners/packed lunches then swap your dd around.
the less time they see each other the better. these friendships get too intense, sounds like your dd is "moving on" and the other friend isn't coping.

and keep on at the teacher about it, get updates, make sure she knows you're concerned. you can't have your dd getting shoved / hit no matter what. this can escalate into groups taking sides and then it really becomes a nightmare, i have seen it in DDs (also yr2) class.

Ithink you've hit the nail, a bit - DD is changing (they both are) but they are growing apart. Friend is possessive apparently and doesn't like DD playing with other people

Good idea about lunch clubs etc. I will find out

Have been reticent until now to tell DD to stay away from her... have just thought of it as usual Y2 girly silliness - one day they are 'best friends' the next she's been horrible etc (btw am sure DD is not entirely faultless!) But feel I need to almost give DD permission to steer clear, if that makes sense

Yes, I should have a word, I think. Trouble catching her though. Will need to be done privately, I can't really talk to her outside the classroom at hometime with other parents and DC milling about

They need space, simple, the other child will benefit even more from it. Glad teacher is on board.

Teacher does seem on board and concerned for DD - she said she'd noticed that DD didn't seem her ususal self and suspected the friendship issue may be contributing (I think it must be, I really don't think there is anything else bothering her)

the fact that the girl has hit/shoved your dd certainly gives her permission to stay well clear. she doesn't need any more reason. i would stress to dd to "rise above it" and not to be mean/nasty back, but to find other friends as this girl isn't being very nice.

the other girl needs to grow up and be made very aware that is not how you make or keep friends.

in the meantime can you get dd to have a couple of other friends home for tea, or join her into some other activities with other girls, broaden her circle as much as poss.

I'm glad I've written this down - FGS of course I can tell her to steer clear, she's been hit in the face! Thanks for pointing this out, Amidaiwish

She goes to Brownies and dancing and has other friends. I think I will make a bit more of an effort to invite people back though

I hope they are split up in Y3. But have spoken to other parents, sometimes the classes are, sometimes they aren't

Yes do nurture other friendships.

Any chance you can voice your concerns to the mother? She may have noticed too?
Am saying because had the same situation with DS in Y1 and we spoke openly about it and figured multiplying playdates with other children on both sides worked well to help them grow into themselves independently.

Have to say works best with clear severance for a little while. That's why am suggesting speaking to the other mum so that she understands its for the best and not just her poor little DD being shunned for no reason. Those things hurt!

PS: not taking sides here, just trying to find a solution that will hurt no one

I only know the Mum a bit but she works so child is either with CM or after-school club

Box this happened to my son, also Y2 and I made a big effort to cultivate other friendships for him and make playdates out of school so now he has a wider circle of friends and other child has moved away from him a bit.

Very good the teacher is on board. I had to force teacher to take notice because DS was also being physically hit, kicked, shoved etc.

I spoke to the parents of the boy too because I will absolutely not tolerate violence to another child - no matter what!! But I think I am particularly sensitive because my DS is small for his age and one of the youngest in his year.

However, the parents need to know that their DD is hitting another child. Even if it only happened once, it's still once too many. Likewise if one of my children hit another child, I would like to know so that I can deal with it.

Good Luck! By the way you are not reacting.

in that case you do your bit, most important is DD grows into new friendships, it will all be forgotten very soon.

I think you've been given some good advice here; would just like to add that having gone through similar situations with my girls (it's definitely a girl-thing), as they have been separated in class and the teacher is aware, I reckon it will soon 'die a death' as it were. Probably the other girl will be feeling hurt and possibly angry as your daughter 'cools it' with her, but, she will get over it and they will both move on and it won't be an issue in future.

This is probably the worst time actually - the transition stage - but when the dust has settled and they have both formed new friendships it will be fine I'm sure.

thanks all, very helpful

I managed a quick word with DD's teacher today

She continues to keep an eye but thinks there's a definite improvement in the classroom owing to their separation (and DD likes her new table). But obviously she can't manage playground activity

She basically said to tell DD to "ignore and walk away" and that DD does have a tendency to get wound up easily (this is true, she does at home with her siblings). This is the message teacher is telling her so we had a chat about it this afternoon

DD seems happy enough so that's the main thing. Thanks for the support

oh that sounds promising. well done.