WWYD? DD unhappy at school and wants to move

[McGrumpyPantsofGrumpington]

Apologies in advance for the long rant but any advice would be much appreciated as am torn over what is the right thing to do.

DD1 (6) has been at this school since nursery and had no problems through nursery or reception. However, since moving into Y1 she has been having problems socially with her peers. Nothing really aggressive or any obvious bullying but she has over the last few months been socially excluded by the other children during playtimes. They ignore her if she talks to them or run away from her if she tries to join in their games. She's had a few comments made to her but kids are kids and I've explained to her that if someone says something to upset you to just ignore them. Last month it all came to a head and she had a bit of a meltdown and is adamant that she wants to change schools (she has mentioned this a couple of times before but I felt I wanted to give things a chance to improve and not react on a PFB whim). She has no problems interacting outside of school at social occasions or at her drama class so the problem is purely a school one.

I have had meetings with the Head and her class teacher and although they have tried to integrate her with group activities and pairing her off with other children, she is still unhappy and would really like to move elsewhere. I think her confidence has just been dented so much as she is quite sensitive.

I am at a loss now whether to apply for an in-year transfer for another local school where she knows some of pupils there or just keep her at a school where she is currently not happy but hope that things may improve. There is not much more I can do - playdates are not really an option as I am one of the social pariahs of the playground due to my personal circumstances and I do worry if this is influencing her friendships. So, any thoughts?

Poor you and poor dd. :( It sounds like neither of you are having a great time there. Do you feel you'd both be more accepted at the other school? Would the children dd knows there be more likely to play with her? If so, it does sound like an attractive option.

I can't really advise as I've not been in your situation but I didn't want your post to go unanswered and thought those questions might help...a little.

Thanks Always, it has been quite draining over the last few months I must admit. My problem with some of the other parents has been ongoing for a couple of years but as long as DD1 was happy at school I tried not to let it bother me. Now I am wondering whether a fresh start would be better for all of us (DD2 currently in nursery).

The children she knows vary in ages so it may be she would be in a class of children she does not know but at least we would know some people to say hello to in the playground. One of the mums at the new school is also in the same situation as me, single mum, and has found the school really welcoming and her and her DD have fitted in well. In our current school being a single parent is akin to the plague it seems and, apart from one or two mums who have turned out to be genuine and decent, the rest who were quite pally at first dropped me and have distanced themselves from me ever since.

I'd just move her. It's not worth keeping her in a place where she's unhappy. At least give her a shot at another place.

Thanks Hecate, I think as it has been something she has brought up many times then it would be the best choice for her and give her a chance whilst she is still young enough to adapt.

I do feel for you and your daughter, it is not a nice situation to be in for either of you.
You asked whether your status in the playground might affect that of your daughter. In my experience that is very likely the case, my daughter suffered similarly. She experienced behaviours like the ones you have described in Y2, and since then I have slowly watched how her behaviour and how she relates to other children has changed, becoming more insecure and withdrawn. I invited children for play dates, organised birthday parties, but most of the kids never ever invited her back. It is heartbreaking. But I always figured that kids at that age are not yet so discriminating as adults are, so their bad attitude is likely to be caused by their parents.
In our case, I never found out what caused us and her to be outcasts (other than the fact that we are from abroad). I dearly wish I had moved her from that school in time.
It is really hard to advise, because you will never know beforehand, what is going to happen at the new school: it could be better, it could be worse, and then to move her a second time could make things much worse.

Thanks TB, obviously I am sorry that you and your DD experienced the same thing but it helps to know we are not the only ones to go through it. I did think maybe I was starting to get paranoid in my old age but it can't really be a coincidence that it's the children of these mums my DD seems to have problems with whereas the boys of the mums who are okay with me have no problem with her and are her only closest friends.

We pulled our DD out of year one in December because she was so unhappy- some similarities in that she was also fine in reception,but getting picked on a bit in year 1.There were other things going on in her case though.(teaching assistant she was scared of etc).Anyway I really wish we had done it sooner,as her confidence completely plummeted and although she is much better than she was,she's still not her old confident self.I would move your dd.I think that a class dynamic is very hard to change and if she gets less confident then it will get harder for her to turn things around.My dd had a really lovely Headmistress and we had lots of support but she was a shell of herself by the time we removed her.

I agree with you helly, the HT and her teacher have been as helpful as they can but they can't force other children to accept her and she is very much aware that she does not fit in there. Although the school we want is full at the moment, there is currently only a waiting place of two so I will send the form off tomorrow and hopefully a place will come up soon.

I would go for it, without a doubt.

Thanks Loopy et al, I was worried I was being an over-protective mum but you have all reassured me that I am making the right decision for DD.

Changed school for dc5 from the one all the others had gone to as he was not happy.best thing I ever did he became a different boy much more outgoing and confident. His friends from that school are still his friends now at senior school 5 years later. Good luck and go with your gut feeling dont let the playground bitchy mothers get to you. They obviously have nothing more constructive to do than judge and deities people. You don't need them.go where you and dd are accepted for who you are not which "box" you might fit in.