DD (aged 5) is "sad and lonely" at school. Any tips

[GColdtimer]

DD1 who is outgoing, bubbly and very sociable has become withdrawn recently. She was exited about half term and last night had an absolute meltdown about going back to school. She cried for the best part of 2 hours.

She doesn't have a "best friend" and sometimes walks around the playground feeling "sad and lonely". She wants to join in games but often the other children just want to play with their best friend. I have told her it's good to have lots of friends not just one and she said that whilst she understands this when she tries to tell the other children what her mummy said they don't listen.

There is also a pair of girls that seem to pick on her and another girl in her class (this other girl is very overweight so sadly an easy target for children who want to be mean. They tell DD she is stupid). That is also really upsetting her.

I know for a fact she has quite a few friends at school but it is this obsession with a best friend that is really getting to her.

Can I help or do I just accept that this is part and parcel of learning how to cope is social situations?

this would (in theory) not be allowed at my dd's school; they are always being reminded of the importance of not excluding people and picking on people would certainly not be tolerated. For this reason I would talk to her teacher.

obviously it is something that happens in life and you can't insulate her entirely, but I think in the first couple of years of school you can expect the staff to be more hands on about the way children play.

and if there is bullying it should be nipped in the bud.

Definately talk to the school, I agree with seth.

Maybe also have some children home for tea?

Hope it improves very soon.

Thanks a lot. I think I will talk to her teacher. They always tell me how well she is doing and what a pleasure she is to have in the class so I don't think they are fully aware of what goes on in the playground.

I will ask if she want to invite a couple of girls back for tea (have avoided doing this because I work part time and have a 1 year old who has melt down around tea time so there never seems to be a "good time" but I think I need to make the effort).

Very sorry to hear this but there's quite a lot that you can do to help you dd.

In the first place you need to let her teacher know about the bullying so that she can keep an eye on the children especially in the playground.

I'd also arrange a series of playdates with several different children (about 6 should do it). When you speak to the teacher she should be able to make some suggestions as to who would be suitable. Invite the other children one at a time for tea after school which should give them a good chance to get to know each other. Avoid inviting more than one at a time as they may go off together leaving dd on her own (you know how females can be). If you really want to push the boat out you could do a special activity such as biscuit or cake making which all the children will love and they will certainly want to come to your house again.

In due course she should also get some return invitations. These are more likely to come from children with SAHM's or those that work only a very few hours. Those that have longer working hours often find it hard to arrange return playdates simply because they aren't at home to host them however much they'd like to.

If you can a whole class birthday party would be a good idea as parents are then more likely to invite your dd to their dc's party which means that she will become more central in the social life of the class.

Also, talk to the other mother's to find out if there's an activity that some of the children attend together eg a particular Rainbows group, ballet class or similar. This will also help to consolidate some friendships. If so, you could offer to collect one of the other children from school, give them tea and then take them to the activity together.

There's evidence that having just one or two good school friends offers quite a lot of protection against bullying so it's really worth doing this.

Like you, I'd also discourage intense 'best' friendships. What would you dd do if she has one good friend who becomes possessive and won't let her play with other children, falls out with her or moves away. A range of friends is a much better idea like you've said.

Do you get the impression I've been through this? Please let us know in a few weeks how things are going.

That is great advice, thanks bodencustomer. I think i will even try to see if my MIL could take DD2 out next time she has a friend over so I can do stuff like baking with them. I was trying to decide what to do for her birthday so I might well do a whole class thing if funds will stretch.

I meant to say, how is your DD now?

I would second the suggestion about inviting a friend back for tea. I find that DS(6) plays with the child that's coming back that day, even if he doesn't usually play with him normally.

I would definitely speak to the teacher about these two other girls making your DD unhappy. I don't think they always have a best friend at that age either and can flit from person to person until they settle down later on in school. It's difficult when there can be such a disparity in levels of social development so not all the girls will be at the same stage as your DD and be wanting a best friend.

Hi Twofalls,

I agree with Boden. You kind of have to be her friend maker for her at this age. Invite a child back for a play date and organise trips to the park and teach her how to play. Get them in to a playground and watch their imaginations take over. Keep things one on one to begin with and then as she begins to establish bonds invite other children.

whilst all these suggestions about play dates are very useful never underestimate the power of a good teacher. Finding a best friend seems a very common process for girls in the second term of school. They also hold the teacher's opinion in great esteem.The teacher can sort this out quickly with reminders about making sure everyone joins in. With regard to the 2 specific girls who are name calling tell the teacher and be blunt. in the case of my son i was upfront asked her to observe she observed the behaviour and nipped it in the bud straight away. Teachers aren't usually in the playground so may well not have witnessed the behaviour

That't he thing razors, she has got lots of friends, especially outside of school, is good at playing/sharing etc so I don't think it's that she can't make friends. It's the "best friend" issue that is really upsetting her. Whilst she is happy to play with and have lots of friends it seems that her whole class seems obsessed with this idea of a best friend and sometimes only want to play with their "best friend". And because she hasn't got one she feels terribly lonely, like something is missing.

She loves her teacher and so I will ask if she can emphasis group play if at all possible. I also will ask her to watch out for the other two girls picking on the others. they look like butter wouldn't melt and DD says they never get in trouble. I am also quite friendly with on of their mum's and I think she is totally unaware of what is going on.

There are some very good suggestions. I have a similar issue which I've discussed with the teacher. She's taking it very seriously and is planning to team my DD with one other child for specific activities to enourage friendships - maybe talk you her teacher about this. I've also started DD on a few out of school groups / classes where with other girls from her class. WE have the added problem that her class is very small with very few girls.

DD just got home and told me she had a really good day. She walked into school with her head held high and a purposeful stride (DH had told her to be confident. Her teacher took my concerns about her being picked on seriously (and her concerns about a Best Friend less seriously as she said DD alwasy seems cheerful and happy with lots of friends).

Just read through the thread twofalls. Some great advice so nothing much to add, only that when my DD1 (reception too) doesn't want to go in to school, I try and have something up my sleeve to tempt her! So, yesterday she took in a few bits which she got from her half term trip to London. I kept telling her that she had to go in because her teacher wopuld love to see them. Another day I might remind her it was PE or whatever, a trip to see granny or to the park after school to look forward to. Just something she can focus on. A play date after school is a great focus.

So glad to hear she was happy today.

Always bear in mind that lots of them get wobbly after a holiday, it doesn't mean there is a problem. And when they tell you they had no one to play with it's probably not STRICTLY accurate, maybe there was just no one for a moment. You can't believe all they tell you!

That is a good idea medoitmama. I also told her to have a happy memory in her head for when she feels sad.

Acanthus, I know what you mean but I think sobbing for the best part of two hours is a bit different to the usual after school gripes and moans which I often take with a pinch of salt.