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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Uptight 5 year old. Anything I can do?

7 replies

nicklenackle · 18/02/2011 13:31

Hi everyone, this is my first post on this board. My DD1 is 5 and in reception. She's pretty bright in a normal kind of way, and does fine in her reading etc. at school but struggles a bit socially. We've done our best to support friendships by having people over and getting to know the mums etc and everyone says she's a really nice girl. In fact, other children do come up to her in the playground in the morning, but she doesn't seem to know what to do with them if you see what I mean? She's generally quite uptight about things, worries a lot about getting things wrong and can't let herself go. She's very rarely 'silly' in a little girl kind of way and I so wish she could be (for her sake). Can I help her to relax a bit or do I just accept that this is who she is and not worry?

Am fully expecting people to tell me the best thing I can do is to calm down myself!:) But feel sad for her...

OP posts:

IndigoBell · 19/02/2011 00:10

Do you have any other worries about her?

If not, then everyone has their own personality, and it's fine for her to prefer to play by herself. She can be very happy without having any friends.

Anxiety and social skills problems, could indicate something else - but normally only if she has other problems as well.....

Teenybitsad · 19/02/2011 01:09

Mine is the same! Mine is 6 though and in year two. She is also popular but aloof....they're not all "silly" in that way you know...I certainly wasnt and neither is DD. In fact my DDs teachers say it's a good trait...she's reliable and mature...she'll never do mad things which she might regret later...she's also kind. Perhap your DD is similar? Kids like the quiet ones you know...they're not such hard work!

Ive never let it worry me....as she is invited to parties, has friends and seems happy its not a worry.

If she was spending every playtime alone then you should worry...why feel sad? There's nothing wrong with her.

In our society everyone is expected to try and be gregarious and outgoing....the most important gift we can give our girls is an acceptance of who they are and what they enjoy.

To accept oneself will protect you later...when peer pressure kicks in and some kids feel they have to do and be as all the others do.

Teenybitsad · 19/02/2011 01:12

As a side note some of my best hildhood memories are of the hours I spent alone in my own imaginative world...sometimes in the playgrund and sometimes in my room or garden.

If I had been a kid now then I am sure my Mum would have been worried sick with all the labels which abound today.

I was so happy...in my own company and as I grew in the cmpany of a select few.

I am now 38 and still love to be alone...I am in a great relationship and hav DC...I have some close friends....it's ok o be self contained.

MigratingCoconuts · 19/02/2011 09:12

Sounds a little like my DD too (also 5). I have realised that I make matters worse if I appear stressed about social situations as it gives her the impression something is wrong.

In reception, her teacher described her as 'happy in her own skin' which i though was a touchingly lovely way to describe it. She has close friends but she also is very happy on her own. She can be very shy and awkard in new social situations.

Original poster

nicklenackle · 19/02/2011 09:20

Thanks for the replies - you're right, I think it is just who she is.. the reason I'm a bit sad about it and not totally accepting yet is that she doesn't have a strong imaginative world. She doesn't play on her own and get very absorbed in it (I remember doing this too Teeny) - she just really wants to be doing whatever the adult in the group is doing and talking to them - me, my friends, teachers, whoever. As well, she latches onto the older girls at school who supervise them at playtime. I can't really blame them for ignoring her when they're with their friends - they're 11 and don't want a 5 year old bouncing all over them! I'm always really positive with her about herself and her qualities/abilities, I think I'll just have to sit tight and see how things pan out. Thanks again.

OP posts:

Original poster

nicklenackle · 19/02/2011 09:26

Ah Coconuts, that is a lovely way to describe her! Reading what you said about you being stressed making it worse has really made me think... I think being on the outskirts of a group and feeling as though i don't belong or want to be there is my worst nightmare, and this is how I feel for her when I think about the situation at school. But we're not the same person are we! I will try very hard to relax and not make an issue of it :)

OP posts:

MigratingCoconuts · 19/02/2011 09:48

Yes, my dd's awkardness reminds me so much of adolescent me and triggers lots of bad memories. I think this was at the heart of my worries when she was 3 or 4. I don't want that for her!!

Someone pointed out to me that children can pick up on our reactions so easily and so I now take a very different atitude to it (and also DS who is also shy around his peers). I try to stay very calm and accepting of how they are. Its just normal.

I think adults and older children are easier to be comfortable around...we often allow for silly mistakes and won't tease in the way peers do. Peer group begins to matter so much more.

Horrible, isn't it!

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