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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Sad after first parents evening

26 replies

maxpower · 16/02/2011 19:04

Saw DD's reception teacher for first parents evening tonoght. Academically she's doing really well but her teacher said she hasn't really made any friendships with the other children yet (she started in Jan) and while she finds peolpe to play with, sometimes the staff have noticed she looking a little lost and she resorts to interact with them instead. I think she is a little old for her years but she's ever so kind. I don't like the idea of her being on her own.

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HystericalMe · 16/02/2011 19:06

She has only been there a few weeks then. Can you invite all the girls round for a sleepover night? DVDs and games in the lounge?

bigTillyMint · 16/02/2011 19:08

Nooooooo, not a sleepover with loads of girls! Not only will they not sleep, but they may leave her out.

Do you do "playdates" with other children? 1:1 will be much better for her, and plan an organised activity like making cakes or arty crafty stuff so they have a focus if she finds the interacting difficult.

Hassled · 16/02/2011 19:09

It really helps at this stage to have friends home for a couple hours afetr school if you can - doesn't have to be a sleepover if that feels too much, but just seeing someone away from the school dynamics can help strengthen friendships. She'll get there, don't worry. It's early days.

HystericalMe · 16/02/2011 19:14

Oh yes I see the flaw in my plan, but I was just thinking as a working mum I'd want an opportunity to meet all the parents and then could arrange one-to-one nights where friends come over for dinner once you'd got everyones phone numbers and worked out which ones were nice and helpful.

Carrotsandcelery · 16/02/2011 19:15

The school can also help by trying to encourage groupings gently. eg groups she works in in an informal way during the school day.
They should also be able to provide some sort of buddying system in the playground.
I agree that you can help by inviting kids over to play one to one and agree that providing a structured activity to begin with might help.
You could also arrange to meet a parent with thier child at a play centre if the house idea is a bit daunting.
Discuss, subtley, methods of joining in games in the playground too. Let her role play it with you and teddy bears etc. Talk casually about a time that you felt lonely or left out and what you did about it.
Does the school have a place a child can sit if they feel lonely. It might be worth suggesting to the school as an option. In our school if a child is sitting there then it is the responsibility of the other pupils to go over and invite the child to play with them. It is not fail safe but it does help the children regularly at our school.
Give her time too - it is early days.

BarbarianMum · 16/02/2011 19:23

Playdates are a good idea but honestly, it has been no time at all. Ds1 started in reception last Dec and it is only this term that I can say he has friends (last term he just played randomly with people).

pinkcushion · 16/02/2011 19:28

I think the teacher was just looking for something negative to say - seriously she's been there no time at all. It takes time to build friendships - playdates are a good idea.

BeerTricksPotter · 16/02/2011 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigTillyMint · 16/02/2011 19:41

pinkcushion
Why would the teacher want o be negative about her? Surely she is trying to be open and honest with the OP so that they can work together to help her make some friends?

Original poster

maxpower · 16/02/2011 19:42

Thanks all, esp Barbarian. From what I gather, she is randomly playing with people most of the time. It's just the image we've now got of her on occasion being alone with no-one to play with - it's heartbreaking.

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Original poster

maxpower · 16/02/2011 19:47

Pinkcushion I didn't get the impression the teacher was being negative - I assumed she was just telling us her observations. She goes to tennis club and gets on really well with her cousins and was fine at nursery. It just felt a little odd that the teacher seemed to put some emphasis on it - but also was quick to say 'we can't make children be friends'

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HystericalMe · 16/02/2011 20:36

I'm sure the teacher wants to let you know so that you are in a position to help your dd.

IndigoBell · 16/02/2011 21:03

What's wrong with being alone and having no-one to play with?

Seriously, they only said she sometimes looks lost. Nothing wrong with playing by yourself.

A lot of introverts prefer to do this.

Original poster

maxpower · 16/02/2011 21:04

re playdates, how do I know who to invite if she doesn't have any clearly identified friends? I'd hate for her to ask someone if they'd like to come over and for them to say no? (that sounds a bit petulant but isn't intended that way!)

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pinkcushion · 16/02/2011 21:12

We had an awful Reception teacher who was very negative, at times almost brutal in her comments - not just about my child though - about everyone's. It's probably not relevant here but looking back, I wish I'd have had more perspective on what she said.

MavisEnderby · 16/02/2011 21:15

Maxpower,do you talk to any of the other mums in the plkayground,maybe a friendly "Would dd/ds like to come and play?" as a start.I am sure she will make friends soon,it is still early days

MerryMarigold · 16/02/2011 21:18

maxpower, this is the perfect opportunity for you to pick her friends! Find some parents you like, or know already, and ask their kids over. Or ask the teacher if there are any other kids in a similar position to your dd, they could be buddies together.

FWIW, my ds1 is in Reception (since Sept) and last week when I asked the teacher who he plays with she said he is 'isolating himself' from other children (a few reasons). I was a bit to find out in this manner, but as others said, it takes time. And he has brought 'models' (boxes covered with vast amount of masking tape and pictures) home twice this week that he'd made spontaneously with other kids, so I think he's probably ok.

Original poster

maxpower · 16/02/2011 21:20

yes Mavis, I get on well with quite a few mums - 2 of their girls look like quite promising friends - they both started in Jan and neither of them knew anyone else in the clasee before they started. I suppose part of this is that DD was always the one at nursery who befriended any children who were new or a bit left out and I guess I just feel sad for her that now she needs the same, there's no one there to provide it for her.

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DownyEmerald · 16/02/2011 21:29

Did most of the class start in September? I get that impression. It will take more than this few weeks I would think then, it is a very short time. Definitely go for the 2 promising mums IYSWIM.

I really would recommend playdates it makes a big difference, especially once its been reciprocated (which hope it would be!).

CarrieABag · 16/02/2011 21:38

Yes, I wondered if the teacher was over-emphasising the situation a little bit - but it's hard for us (and you!) to know exactly.

It is early days. Come back and post in a year and I'm sure things will have improved.

ellina · 16/02/2011 23:49

My DD's in reception and a couple of mums have said this is happening to their little ones. It does really help if they know a couple of people a bit better - perhaps from an out of school activity or play dates.

The ones who do ballet after school always seem to club together a bit.

Then friendships seem to form a bit more easily, if someone they know is playing with someone they didn't know before, they then get to know another person.

But it seems really early days to be worrying if she only started in January. She hasn't really had a chance to settle in yet. Mine started in September and didn't even know the names of the dcs in her class until the October half term, let alone make friends with them. We were quite lucky in that she knew 3 or 4 people from pre-school though, which gives them a bit more confidence.

skybluepearl · 17/02/2011 14:49

just wanted to say hat my boy was lost in reception. bright but exhausted. by year 2 he was blossoming though and has lots of friends.

Acinonyx · 17/02/2011 15:47

My dd had just this problem in reception. She now has 2 best friends and a few other regulars. One of her best friend's mum basically set us up on a playdate even though they had never played together - in fact. dd clearly said that X wasn't her friend. All changed after the playdate, happily. I second choosing the mum and then invite them over.

Dd's teacher was quite proactive too - encouraging dd to join in and role-playing how to join in play in for the class.

Olessaty · 17/02/2011 15:54

DS has had two parents evenings now, he started in September. I changed his school, so he started not really knowing anyone.

The first we discussed how he didn't really interact much with the other children, was often nervous around them, and that he had a real temper when they did not do things his way if he did interact.

He did mention a few children he liked to play with when asked. He was encouraged to invite a couple of children to his birthday party, and to go to a birthday party he was invited to. The teachers were aware he was struggling a bit and kept an eye out for him.

The second the teachers commented on how much improved he was socially, that he played with other children and was learning to control his temper. The same evening was his first play date with another little boy who we invited back after the half term.

I think that some of them are a bit quieter than others and take a little more time to feel comfortable and make friends. There are things you can do to gently encourage them, and I think the rest just takes time.

Original poster

maxpower · 18/02/2011 13:48

Thanks for your replies, they've helped reassure me.

Most of the children started in Sept (we were forced to wait until Jan due to local policy) so in that respect, she is in the minority. I'm sure she will make closer friendships in time - tbh I think it just came as a bit of a shock to me! I wasn't expecting her to be miss popularity but I wasn't expecting the teacher to go on and on about her not having any specific friends.

I talked to DD the other morning about how she gets on with the children at school. She named a few of the children she plays with and I asked her what she does when she doesn't have someone to play with. She said she plays by herself and that she was happy to. I also suggested she have a think over half term if there's anyone she might like to invite home for tea, which she was very excited about. I assume it's not troubling her in anyway as she's keen to go to school and is her normal happy self.

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