My ds doesn't have friends :-(

[lynds1]

My ds is 6 yrs old & in year 2. He is a bright, lovely boy but has just not been able to make friends at school since he started in reception & spends most play times on his own :-( The school is a small village school with only one class per yr group & only 15 children per class which we thought would be ideal for our quite shy boy - but it's not seemed to help at all. Despite being shy he has got friends out of school - mainly the children of our friends - & has no qualms about joining in groups such as beavers etc but we just don't know what to do about the school situation...

I've spoken to his teacher on several occasions & she has agreed to watch him but thinks he enjoys playing 'independently'. Whilst I would agree with this to a certain extent, I know that it often makes him sad that he can't make friends. I've tried doing the play dates thing but have found that whilst this encourages friendships for a few days surrounding the 'date', they never last beyond this. I don't know what to do. My ds is now saying he'd like to change schools so that he can meet new people & maybe find boys who want to be his friend. Im not sure if a larger school would help as more children may be on his wave length, or is he better sticking with it and if so, how can I help him??

Sorry for the huge post! I hope someone can help xx

If you are in a small community do some of his class also go to beavers? Is there any common interest in football or other group?

It must be hard that he is saying he is sad. It may well not be that they do not want to be his friend just that they may prefer to play in a large group or mix up who they play with almost daily. Our DS is also in yr2 & our experience is that they don't form close friendships as early as the girls do. Maybe be your DS is a bit more mature in wanting a more 1 to 1 friendship.

Our DS doesn't have a best friend. We turn it round that he has a whole class (with a couple of exceptions!) as friends.

Stick with the play dates though. Up the ante with cakes & I would invite girls he gets on with too.

What are the boys in his class in to? It might be something daft like they all play Ben 10, football, Star Wars, Doctor Who or something else that your son isn't in to. Maybe a little gentle nudge to get him interested in something that is popular in the playground might help him relate more?

Thanks for your reply :-)

We don't actually live in the village where school is, none of the children do as it's very small with only a few houses so everyone travels in. Ds goes to beavers in the bigger village we live in & has made friends there - which has made us consider moving him to the more local school. (We didn't live here when he started school or he would have gone there from the start). The problem with them all travelling in to school is that they all have limited contact out of school (except for play dates).

I take your point about girls being more inclined to make one to one friendships, but now ds is in yr 2, we have noticed the other boys doing this or at least being in smaller groups of 3 or 4.

I will up the ante on the play dates - maybe bribery will be the answer :-)

Hi Lynds.... I moved my son from a small village school and this was one of the main reasons along with some mild SN's that they were ignoring.
exactly the same numbers as you...ds2 had 5 boys in his class and he was always alone.
I moved him and his brother to the much larger junior school in the next town, Ds2 moved for the beginning of yr 3. This has 3 form entry, about 100 dc a year and we have not looked back.
Ds2 is so much happier he can join in with a larger group and has 2 best friends
Is there a bigger school near you? IF so, I would recommend you visit and see if you think it is a better fit for your son. If not, I would make an appt with your school to discuss how he feels and see if they can mix year groups to widen his chances to make friends. You could also suggest a friendship stop (like a bus stop) in the playground, where children can befriend those who are feeling lonely.

I had thought about that as he is obsessed with Lego & doesn't understand anyone who isn't :-) Another thing is that he is very sensible & almost 'too good' if that makes any sense & is reluctant to be friends with boys who he sees as being naughty. He's not a very boisterous child & doesn't really like being silly - which may be keeping him apart from the others. Some times I wish he could be a people pleaser!

There are only 7 other boys in his class (less than 90 children in the whole school) & I do wonder if there were more children would he be more likely to 'click' with someone??

Sorry Ingles, crossed posts there...

It's interesting what you have said about your ds being happier in a bigger school - we've always assumed that small was better but maybe not for some children! I really like your idea of a friendship stop & will speak to the school again before looking at our options.

Strangely our ds2 is only 3 but hugely confident, social & outgoing. He can't wait to start at ds1's school so any decision is also going to effect him...

Lots to think about, thanks all xx

I wouldn't stick with it if he wants to move, has been unsuccessfully trying to make friends for the last two and a half years, and your attempts to get the teacher to help out have failed. Unless, that is, you think there is something intrinsically odd about his friendship making skills which he may carry with him to any other school (although my ds1 has aspergers and he has achieved one genuine close friendship in his 2-form entry school, in addition to being viewed fondly by most of the other children and being friendly with others, so I'm pleased we didn't narrow his potential friendship pool by sending him to a small school).

My main memories of primary school are of playing in the playground with friends. I remember an awful lot less what I did in the classroom. I would hate my main memories to be of walking around the playground on my own, pretending I didn't care about it. And,tbh, I've never understood why shy children are supposed to prefer smaller schools. I think it's a totally false logic. If you are shy, you are just as shy with one person at you are with 60 or more. It's not crowds shy people are scared of.

Seven boys is a tiny number really, and the fact that he has friends outside school is very positive.

Is there a reason not to like the bigger school?

If there is a viable alternative, I'd move him. He's certainly given it a fair go but such a small number of pupils doesn't give him much choice of who to 'click' with. DS is a bit of a fish out of water (he's the only studious boy in the class - really(!) and work wise he sits with the girls but am not sure I'm keen on him adapting to fit in, which is what he's trying to do). He would be far more at home in dd's class in the same school, sometimes it's just the way the groups fall.

Thanks rabbitstew, I see your point. What attracted us to the school was that it likes to promote a 'caring, family like atmosphere' & I did think that would serve my ds well. (As well as great amenities, good reports etc). But you are right in that I don't want my sons abiding memories of primary school to be of him being on his own & pretending that's ok :-( And I have tried to encourage him & spoken to the teachers but to no avail.

If it wasn't for the fact that he has got friends out of school, I would be questioning whether there was something 'wrong' with him. But he doesn't seem to have the same issues elsewhere & has made friends with strangers on holidays & at soft play centres etc that makes me think he must be 'ok'. His teacher did tell me that he's very independent & won't join in with a game if he doesn't want to play it, even if that means playing on his own. She saw that as a good thing but I'm not sure. I don't think he's being deliberately left out by the others, just that he's not got much in common with them if that makes sense.

I hate this :-(

I vote move him to the village school where you are now. He will have friends there already from Beavers, for a start. I can't see any reason to leave him where he is, tbh.

No, there's no reason to not like the bigger school as far as i can tell (only looked at the ofsted) & he would have gone there had we been living where we are when he stared school. My only concern is making matters worse by moving him in case friendship groups have already been formed & he's still alone in a school he doesn't know.

Our ds's sound very similar kangaroo! I feel torn between wanting my ds to adapt to fit in whilst wanting him to stay the unique & fab boy he is...

Think I'll have a heart to heart with him this weekend to see if he really does want to move & go from there xx

New kids come in and out of bigger schools regularly. Friendship circles are if anything less fixed because of the chop and change, also they get more mixed up as each new year starts (typically) as teachers try to keep dominant cliques from developing and to separate trouble-makers. I imagine class composition is much more fixed in a small school.

I'd not thought of that, thanks ragged. It's just a bit strange thinking of moving him as we thought we'd been really lucky to get him in a lovely little village school - but of course him being happy is our priority xx

Maybe suss out the alternative for yourself & then take ds to look round? We're giving thought to moving area, not just for school reasons but a factor.

I'd take his request to move seriously. (I don't mean move him necessarily, but do look into it seriously, with an open mind).

I moved schools at my request (I was older than your DS though). I'm eternally grateful for my parents for actually listening to me, even though I wasn't able to articulate very well why I wasn't happy at the school. I would be a different person if I'd had to stay there.

If he's not happy, and the other school is fine then why not move him?

I, too, am of the opinion that I would move him. I was speaking to my DB at the weekend. His DS has just started secondary school, having been at a small village school (only 4 teachers for the whole school). My DB said that he has only just realised exactly how unhappy his DS had been at this small school. He is a bit Lego obsessed and just didn't fit it. He is really blossoming now.

I note that you say you have two DSs and that any move would affect your DS2. You say that DS2 is very outgoing, so IMO he will be able to be happy anywhere.

Another four years at a school where your DS is not very happy is a very long time.

Thanks everyone. I briefly spoke to my ds this morning before school & he reiterated that he did want to move but that he also wanted to stay at his current school for the school trip next month! It's difficult to determine what he really wants & what is best for him as he seems to think he could try out a new school & then go back to his old one if it didn't work out - he is only 6 after all. And some days are good days & he's played with others & is ok - but the bad do seem to outnumber the good.

The change effects ds2 only as far as that he will be starting school in 2012 & is already friends with all the younger siblings we see in the playground. He would easily make new friends though if we moved so we wouldn't be too concerned.

Your nephew & my ds sound very similar I love JJ - & it has occured to me that being cocooned in a small school may not do him any favours when he has to move on to a big secondary.

Thanks for everyones input.

This might not fit your son but my niece played on her own at school and didn't really have many/any friends and like your DS she started saying that she was sad about not having anyone to play with. She had plenty of friends at home and also has lots of cousins she sees regularly and didn't seem to have any problems getting on with them. After lots of talking it finally turned out that she liked playing by herself and having quiet time at school as she was "very busy playing all the time" in the evening and weekends. She wasn't really sad about playing by herself at school but her parents were always asking what she had done and who she played with so she thought it was wrong to play by herself and that she was making her parents and teacher sad. Once my auntie told her it's fine to choose to play by yourself (they just wanted her to have the choice) she was much happier and ironically started to make a few friends not long after. She was 6/7 at the time and it was hard for her to explain why she was sad.

We just moved DD (y2) for similar reasons, she had lots of 'sort of friends', but no one who was really on her wave length. I was apprehensive as to whether we were doing the right thing, but what a massive difference! She's still 'the outsider' to some extent due to her newness, but is much happier and flourishing.