DS (age 8) was only child not 'chosen' for football team, so sent 'down' to play with year below at games?

[Legacy]

Surely this can't be good/right?

DS (who is 8) says that in his (small) class 7 of the boys were chosen for a football match next week, and that he was the only one excluded, so in Games today he was told to go and play with the year below as his class were practicisng for the match

If that's true, I am
How could they exclude just one child out of 8? Why couldn't they just rotate substitutes?
I am doubly as he is youngest in class and has self-confidence/ self esteem issues as it is. We have been having discussions with the school already about 'working together to build his confidence' - pah!

Hope the OP comes back and let's us know how she got on with the school.

At ds's school all the boys get picked for a team. Although not the case for his local rugby team. We missed three weeks last month having had very good attendance since the start of the season. Because of that I was told Ds wouldn't be selected for any of the three forthcoming tournaments. That is despite the majority of dcs selected playing two or the three tournaments. I accepted that it was unfortunate and left it at that. Then I discovered that the parent another boy who hadn't been at rugby since the middle of last term was called to ask if her Ds wanted to play any of the tournaments. Difference being at that this boy had previously played for the A team and my Ds only made it as captain of the B team.

jonicomelately
you are probably right, I don't have boys so probably don't get the importance of sport for older primary boys.

But, last year, when DD1 was 3 and in nursery, she could not perform in the end of term show because we were away at a wedding. I let the nursery know in advance and in fact they kept DD out of all the "rehearsals" (such as they were with a group of 3-4 year olds). DD told me she sat and watched while they rehearsed every day.

At first I was a bit teed off and felt they could have got her to sing along even if she was not going to be there, but in the end, i could see my D was less worried about it than me and I did feel it was a good lesson that we can't always do everything, she would be attending a lovely wedding so learnt that the downside was missing the show.

Twas a valuable lesson, IMO. Nort idential situation, but still.

Whoa - lots of replies to this...

Just to fill in with a bit more information...

DS wasn't actually particularly upset about it on this occasion. He said "I know I haven't been chosen because I'm rubbish at football"

Relative to some his male classmates (who are mostly 9 - 11 months old than him due to a proliferation of Autumn/Winter birthdays) then yes, he isn't as good at football. He's had almost a year of life LESS to practice...

I'm actually a big fan of engendering a competitive spirit etc, but I think that's more appropriate at a slightly older age.
It's ridiculous to write off kids at such a young age. A bad coach can crush a child's self-esteem at this age.

That said, what really annoyed me in this case was, that

1. just ONE child was singled out (not two or three)and it therefore seemed a much worse humiliation
2. One of the other kids was teasing DS afterwards about his non-selection (I only found this out the day after my OP...)
3. I have had numerous conversations/meetings with the school/his class teacher about looking for opportunities to build his self-esteem, and help him understand that the age gap really doesn't matter.

Anyway - to update you on the situation: I had a chat with the sports teacher, and he was pretty embarrassed and apologetic.

• there are actually 2 boys from another class also not playing, and since they all have a lesson together he wasn't aware that DS was the only one in his class.
• he wasn't aware if of the nastiness from one of the other kids & is going to deal with that (again, to add a bit of context - we've had a number of historical incidents where DS has been semi-bullied, with classmates calling him 'the baby' etc)
• he wasn't aware of the on-going development plan to build my son's confidence.

He basically said "I'm really sorry - I've completely screwed up here haven't I?" and has promised to keep a closer eye on the interactions between the boys, and look for opportunities to encourage DS.

Probably the best result I could have hoped for

And we're going to take DS to the cinema and for pizza the afternoon of the tournament instead!

I think you did the right thing for the right reasons Legacy

As a matter of interest are there any other sports your ds may want to do? Football isn't the only sport, although it feels like that sometimes. I know lots of children who, whilst only pretty average at football excel at other things such as rugby. It may be worth looking at something quite niche and that none of his other friends do at the moment such as badminton, even archery and fencing. The important thing is that he finds something he feels he's good at.
Good luck

joni - thanks for that.

He does do other sports, but again it's only recently that he's had the strength and stamina to even keep up with some of his classmates.

That said, he's been learning cricket, and DH is much more into that than football, so he's doing quite well at that now, so we'll see what the Summer term brings.

I'm not looking for 'special' treatment for him - I just don't want him to feel 'singled out', and the being sent to play with the year below thing was particularly unhelpful in this case.

One of the reasons we chose this school (which has small classes) is that it talks a lot about being inclusive and making sure every child gets a chance. On this occasion it seemed to have lost sight of that vision?

As an analogy, when the classes have a class performance, every child has a chance to read something out, or say a few words. Some are better than others, and get given a bit more to do. But I can imagine the uproar if one child was told, "you're not quite as good as the others, so you have to go and sit on the Year 3 bench and watch instead.."

Good that you got an apology. Sounds as if there was some lack of communication.

I've told Ds that he has to continue going to rugby for this season but next season he can decide whether he wants to enrol or not and I won't be actively encouraging him to do so.

maryz - it's a real problem with ALL the sports clubs around here - they're all so bloody pushy and competitive from an early age.. (SE ENGLAND)
Kids are put into 'A' teams at aged 6 and then stay there, and of course the younger ones/late starters etc all come away going 'I'm hopeless'/'It's not worth bothering' etc - and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Are there any sports like athletics which do 'Under 9' by a summer month deadline (e.g. Under 9 on 31st July!) DS would probably then do really well

The reason why rugby clubs tend to give everybody a turn at an early age is that it's a game that requires different skills and physiques depending on where you are on the field. They also have the sense to realise that some children will develop later than others. I've seen many boys who'd be crucified on the football field being hailed as total heroes as they demolish bring down several of the opponents team

Shame that ds's rugby club doesn't seem to be following the 'give everybody a turn' policy.

Fortunately he isn't the only boy who isn't going to participate, I discovered one other last weekend.

Unfortunately though the majority of boys in his year play at the same club and all are playing in the tournaments with the exception of ds and the other boy (who at least was asked despite lack of attendance but doesn't want to go to the tournaments and doesn't go to the training sessions either).

It makes it harder for ds as he will have to hear about it in class and watch the other boys show their medals in assembly. He also hasn't won one of the weekly trophies despite the manager saying that every boy will get a turn. He is more acutely aware of that than missing the tournaments and every week says he will do his best to win one of the trophies. He didn't win it last season either.

The team manager knows as it was them who told me that every child should get it over the course of the season. Didn't happen last year and hasn't happened this. Not that many weeks left when you take out three weeks for tournaments. He played one tournament early in the season but missed the next one. Every child got an opportunity to play one of those two tournaments and we were told there would be plenty of opportunity at the next ones.

I wasn't that cross until I discovered that there are something like 24 dcs playing two of the three forthcoming tournaments and some playing all three, so plenty of opportunity to have included ds in one.

We were also told that the coaches were going to use three weeks to decide on selection but the completed list for all three tournaments was done after the first week of the three (which was one of the weeks ds missed).

When ds says every week that he is going to try his best and win one of the trophies that week I plan how to distract him when he doesn't get it. Some of the children have won it twice.

He is very good at catching and kicking although kicking no use at the moment as it is tag rugby. He is less good at running as he has hypermobility. I'm told he did a very good job as team captain at the one tournament he played (he is very good at motivating and organising - ie very good at shouting!).

Just to say I coach a football team, under 8s so a yr younger than yr son OP and we are deffo inclusive.

I have stronger and weaker players on my team; all get the same time on the pitch, so sometimes we lose and sometimes we win. It's non-competitive at this age anyway (FA rules) so it's about development, as someone says further down the thread.

Interestingly atm one of our best players is unable to play matches for us, and the result I have noticed is that some of the weaker ones are coming to the fore - almost as if they now have a chance to shine!

Well done OP, sounds like a good result.

Provides another example of teachers should be the last people that should teach childrenwww.mumsnet.com/te/1.gif

Think you need to get over the ' poor boy is a Summer baby' issue.

Well done op, good for you, and good teacher apologized. It is so important that junior sports are inclusive and encouraging to any child that puts in the time and effort to practise. some schools are really good at recognising that you could put children off sport for life if you are not inclusive at an early age! And some are woeful! agree with poster that said if they do not get experience of playing in matches how are they supposed to improve!! It becomes a vicious and damaging circle which does not equip them for continuing their interest into senior,which is after all what primary or prep sports is for?

vile -- ok so he's not on the team but he can practice

vile thing to do

coccyx - thanks for that helpful comment

If you've never experienced the heartache that having a summer-born boy can entail then I don't think you're in a position to comment. The last 4 years seem to have been a constant struggle, so, for example:

• he started school full time two terms after many of his classmate, despite being in the same nursery/pre-school beforehand. This was the beginning of him being 'singled' out for his (young age)

• when he did start school full time he was already 'behind' in things like football because the older children used to do games/sport in the afternoons, when the younger ones had gone home - so the beginning of an 'Alpha/Older Boy' thing began to develop.

• the class room visibly displays the months of the year on the wall with the kids' birthdays. The next youngest kid's birthday is in May. His is in August.
• On their birthday until Year 3 the birthday child used to get to sit on a special chair. I didn't find this out until DS2 broke down in tears at the beginning of the summer holidays because he 'would never get to sit on the birthday chair' as his birthday was in the hols.

• He has not been able to attend various birthday parties, or I have had to accompany him (swimming, go-karting etc) because he hasn't met the minimum age. Or we have had to lie, which I'm not particularly happy about.

• Lst year he couldn't take a drama exam the same time as the rest of his group in the summer term as there was a minimum age requirement of 8 years by the middle of July or something. He had done all the work and was ready, and we didn't find out until the form was due to go in .

(Thankfully this has now changed!)

Throughout his life he has had to put up with shitty comments from his classmates about being the youngest/the baby of the class etc. Some of it has been noral schoolboy teasing, some of it has been really quite nasty (excluding him from playing playground games etc)

I have spent nearly five years buoying him up; telling him it doesn't matter; pointing out his other skills yada, yada yada, but sometimes it is so hard, especially when the school does something like this which just takes us backwards again.

I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall.

All the research studies into the effect of being a summer born boy in the education system are well-documented for good reason.
It's shit for many kids and can affect them all their life if they don't get the support to build their confidence and self-esteem.

Legacy - I feel for your DS. It is scary how all the 'little things' add up. I agree when you said unless you have had a typical young-in-the-year child (ie not one that happens to be better-than-average at sport, music academics etc), you don't quite see the issue...

Some younger boys will sail through all this; I fear yours and mine may perpetually struggle in a way that just wouldn't happen if they had been born a few weeks later. DS would be soaring now if he was in reception, and feeling much better about himself no doubt.

Obviously, it can't be avoided - the school year has to start and end somewhere. It does feel like all staff at schools at primary level, plus clubs/sports should be more aware of this issue though.

Thanks for these replies.

It does feel as if it has been hard, but I think I'm also beginning to feel I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. DS2 is beginning to stand up for himself a bit more, and fortunately he is tall for his age, which means that at least he doesn't LOOK a lot younger too.

He also has an older brother at the same school, which I think protects him a bit, and gives him a bit of street cred as it means he has access to slightly older 'cooler' toys/ games/DVDs etc.

I feel as if I have had to work really hard to make sure he hasn't let it get him down sometimes though. It makes me worry for those kids who don't get the same sort of positive support and reinforement and end up spiralling down

Legacy, great news about the football, I completely got your point about being singled about. Choosing 7 boys out of, say, 20 for a football team is acceptable; choosing 7 out of 8 is not.

Still, fair play to the teacher who has held his hand up, admitted he got it wrong and apologised. Sounds like he might not have been aware of all the issues surrounding your DS and now you have made him aware things will be better in the future, so well done you.

By the way another sport you could look into is tennis. Until they?re 10 they play with softer balls, shorter rackets and smaller courts, so power and strength don?t really come into it. When they?re older, the year is divided into 2 separate seasons so for one half of the year summer DCs are the youngest but for the other half they are the eldest (I have 2 summer-born DCs who play).

Sounds to me like the school should be doing more. Ds is summer born. Should have been August but was nearly two months early. There are August birthdays in his class. There is no mention ever of older boy/younger boy issues and I'm certain that the comments made to your Ds would absolutely not be tolerated.

As for the birthday chair I can't believe the teacher would be so insensitive. With regard to birthday parties it doesn't take much effort for the host to check that the venue can make an exception. I've certainly done that with the birthday party activities we've chosen, to ensure ds's younger classmates aren't excluded.