Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Flip

Original poster

How to integrate into a village school when we don't live in the village?

21 replies

cupofteaplease · 01/02/2011 10:02

I am looking for some advice.

We moved our dd (in Yr 1) from our local school in town to a village school 10 miles away. The decision was an easy one as the village school have more facilities that we needed, and smaller class sizes. As far as the school move has gone, it has been a huge success. As a working parent, the hot lunches and after school club are a God-send, and our dd's mild problems in one area of her learning were picked up very quickly and she receives interventions that haer helping her immensely. So no regrets.

However... I feel like a complete outcast at the school gates, whereas I new loads of mums at the other school. In the first fortnight people were keen to say hello and ask if I had moved to the village. When I said I hadn't and told them where I live, the conversations stopped! I still smile and say hello to people, but nobody talks to me anymore. I over hear them at the school gates, and again at dd2's preschool (we moved her preschool to the village one to, in anticipation of her starting the village school in September) talking about nights out or activities they do together.

Worse though, is that my dd has picked up on it. She asks why she isn't invited to play at people's houses after school when her friends are. She is aware that party invitations are handed out, but she never gets one. The teacher has told me that dd is very popular with her new friends, and one of the lunchtime supervisors said the same.

As for dd2, there was a party for one of the preschool girls, who my dd2 is very fond of, this weekend, but dd2 wasn't invited.

I went to a Friends of the school meeting last term, in the hopes of meeting people and helping out, and although they were friendly, they didn't take me up on my offer to help out with organising an event, nor has any one of them come to speak to me since.

I invited a girl back to play with dd1 via a note in the bookbag, and she came, but dd hasn't been invited back.

What can I do to help my dd feel integrated past 3.15pm? I hate being the one stood at the gates on my tod, but at least I work 3 days a week so don't have to do it everyday.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Bramshott · 01/02/2011 10:09

for you. Not all village schools are like that - ours certainly isn't.

I would start a relentless campaign of playdates - make sure you have someone back every week, say on a Friday if that's one of your days off (and offer to drop them back home afterwards if you are 10 miles away). Hopefully it will get easier.

roadkillbunny · 01/02/2011 10:56

not all village schools are like that at all! there are quite a few children who don't live in the village or the other catchment villages and they are just as involved on school life. a new boy has just joined y1, my dds class and he lives ion town, child and mother have been warmly welcomed to the school family and if the mother was to come to a friends meeting her hand would be bitten off if she offered help!
I am sorry you haven't had a nice start to village school life and I have no other advice to give other then keep plugging away, keep inviting people to play both at school and pre school, keep ofering help, if there is something specilised you could offer puu your self forward, in time you will become part of the furniture and where you live won't be an issue. it could be that parents are worried about the logistics of returning your child after a play date, maybe if you make it clear you are willing to do all the driving around invites maybe more forthcoming. I do hope things get better and take heart that your dc has settled into the class, you could also look at doing clubs in the village like beevers to help consolidate your ds friendships.

roadkillbunny · 01/02/2011 11:00

sorry, half way through I seem to forget you have a dd not ds, think I was thinking of the boy on dds class! change the club thong to rainbows! sorry for lack of capitals and spellings to, on phone!

UniS · 01/02/2011 11:09

You will have to get involved with village stuff.MAYBE - Show up to village events like fetes and beetle drives. Do Sunday lunch at village pub sometimes. Use the village playground ( if there is one) after school and talk to people. Hold your DDs birthday party at village hall.

I live in a village with a school and we have people driving their kids out from town to come here, I can't deal with playdates with town kids as I have no car and buses are not at sensible times. Parties, if small, will tend to be with kids who have been a group for a while.

Having your DD2 at preschool in village might help, get stuck in and help with preschool and you will get to known eventually. but it is harder than if you live in the village and use shop and pub and are seen daily.

llareggub · 01/02/2011 11:11

It sounds horribly like the experience we had at my DS's former pre-school. We lived outside the village but intended to move there in a few years. The pre-school was having financial difficulties and the committee were really struggling to drum up enough children to keep the place viable. They seemed blissfully unaware that their social exclusion of all those from outside the village lost them at least 2 children (mine) and is why I never recommend it to others.

I tried joining the committee, helping out at fetes etc but nothing worked. DS is now at a different pre-school and I'd rather gouge my eyes out than move to that village.

Original poster

cupofteaplease · 01/02/2011 11:23

Thanks so much for the advice so far. I went to the Christmas Fayre and manned a couple of stalls for an hour (they needed help on the day), I also began hearing readers at the school on my day off, but I've had to stop that now due to my own work committments increasing for this term.

When the weather is better, I will take the girls to the park there after school. We went to a family party at the village pub, and would do that again next time it happens. I will also hire the village hall for the dds' parties. All good advice.

So the main thing seems to be pushing the play dates? I will pop some more notes in book bags then and keep smiling, even when ignored!

OP posts:

mumof2littlegirls · 01/02/2011 12:12

Could you find the parent in the playground rather than putting a note in the bookbag? I don't think I would send my little one on a playdate without first getting to know the family face to face (my 2DD's attend little village school). Could you suggest outing to park with a couple of friends and mothers, that way you would get to know families a little better.

KangarooCaught · 01/02/2011 12:20

Mine are at a village school & recognise what you describe, especially if you work. It will get easier the longer you are there and become a familiar face. Agree re regular playdates. Maybe join the PTA?

PortoMum · 01/02/2011 12:22

tbh i wouldn't encourage playdate for dd if i had to drive a long way to pick her up. you can't integrate unless you live there imo. people aren't be deliberately mean but are busy and can't be bothered

KangarooCaught · 01/02/2011 12:42

If you pick up from school and offer to drop back home, then it works. Parent with other children might find it more of a hassle.

Original poster

cupofteaplease · 01/02/2011 13:29

More good advice, thanks. I'm afraid that for various reasons we cannot move to the village. I hate the idea of dd2 having 7 years ahead of her without playdates or parties just because other parents are busy and 'can't be bothered'! I'm very busy too, but my children's happiness is my top priority so I feel I need to find a solution to this.

OP posts:

veritythebrave · 01/02/2011 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElsieMc · 01/02/2011 14:22

I live in the catchment area for our village school, which is made up of a series of small hamlets/villages.

The school really does socially exclude people but it does not bother me as I have older children and have been through this before. My DS is popular, gets invited to parties but not a lot of playdates. He doesnt seem unduly bothered, he has his brothers he plays with and after school clubs nearby with lads from other schools.

The cliquey, unfriendly PTA are short handed and moan no-one wants to help out - I wonder why!

Another young mum has found herself in the same situation as yourself and she is desperate for acceptance. I feel she is trying too hard and at the end of the day, do you really want to be friends with people who exclude your child and treat you with rudeness and contempt despite your efforts to be sociable and friendly?

MrsBrollyhook · 01/02/2011 14:27

We're in a similar position with DD1 in YR1 and DD2 at preschool. We're only 3 miles away and off the top of my head I can think of 8 children in DD1's class who aren't in the village, so it's not been a big issue.

I've tried to get as involved as poss. Took DD2 to toddler group and now she goes to linked preschool. Involved in PTA.

People have been very welcoming, but you do feel like the "new girl" waitng at the gates when everyone else just chats to their friends.

Agree that park after school on nice days is a good idea. Also agree it's best to try to arrange playdates face to face - I'd feel very uncomfortable (as would my very shy DD1) with a playdate if I didn't know the parents.

I think like me you're happy to go the extra mile (literally) to help your children settle, so keep pursuing all options. Good luck.

Notbyalongchalk · 01/02/2011 15:14

Looks like there are a few of us in this situation. My two DS's are at the village school and a 10 minute drive from us - Village life can be difficult but it does get easier with time:

Get as much involved with the school as you can, I volunteer for as much as I can (I work full time) and sometimes take days off to help out

Persevere with the playdates, ask your DC to point out friends and parents in the playground for you to arrange things with

If the school does breakfast/after school club, get your DC involved for a few sessions a week - they may be able to meet new friends and you are more than likely to meet the parents (the people that run our club are amazing and help with the organisation of the playdates - going between us and pointing out if one parent doesn't know something)

Attend village meetings, for things like the carnival or the summer fete, they are often desperate for the help

Brownies, Scouts, Karate etc are all amazing places to meet people and become involved

Keep going! My children have been at the village school for 3 years now and we have not been fully accepted but it does get better - the more you do, the more they get used to you!

Good Luck

teenyweenytadpole · 01/02/2011 15:24

Hi, we also go to a village school but don't live in the village. Having said that a lot of the kids at the school come from surrounding villages over quite a wide area so people are perhaps more used to that. I found I did make most friends for myself via the preschool rather than the school itself, I took my DD along to the mums and toddlers group and made some good friends there who are still friends even though my DD is now at the school next door. As for the school yes I agree just persist with the playdates and so on and get involved with the friends of the school but I don't think you can force these things, it can take a while and it can be easier in the summer when the kids want to hang out after school and play outside, get an ice cream from the shop etc. It's harder in the winter as people are just that bit more insular. Honestly it sounds like you are doing all the right things and it sounds like a lovely school for your DD.

bounty007 · 01/02/2011 15:37

your post made me sad as it reminded me of my primary school days Everyone else lived in the village & my brother & I lived 10 miles away..didn't help that there was only 1 other girl in my class. It wasn't great and there was a feeling of exclusion as a result of the distance we lived from school and the general hub of activity. I went to brownies etc which helped, but always felt like an outsider...all changed when I went to a different (private) high school where everyone lived anything up to 40 miles away.
Sorry I can't give you any advice...i hated primary school as a result of this

dikkertjedap · 01/02/2011 17:11

I think you do all the right things, but some village schools are like that. We found that village people can be terribly cliquey. We decided to move a school in the nearest town and have not looked back since, but for us it was slightly different as we are foreigners, which in some villages seems an insurmountable obstacle.

I would give it a little more time, but if it does not improve take stock to see what is best especially for your dd as not being invited could affect her confidence in the longer term.

Hope it improves.

roadkillbunny · 01/02/2011 21:10

I guess it really does depend on the village reading this, I find it quite sad really this 'we are villages and you're not' attitude. from the outside I could see how our village and school could seem closed to outsiders, we are a very small village with a tight community well known localy for our all for one mentality however you find out quickly that it is not one of those villages that still see people as outsiders unless they have been in the village 30 + years, I have been here 4.5 years and in the grand sceeme am a relative newbe but in dds class at least 8 families are newer then us, only one non catchment in her year due to it being a massively oversubscribed year in an over subscribed school but the current reception class has at least 5 out of carchment children as for long and boreing reasons they were able to go above the pan of 20, the playdates and parties are just as frequent accoss the board.
just one thought thoughresently a fellow pre school mum was fretting as there are quite a few new pre school children some out of village and even though they have been there since september she didn't know all the names for invites, she checked with me and I was able to give her some of the names but it is possible that both she and I missed one or two, could this have happened with you?

Carrotsandcelery · 01/02/2011 21:22

Can you get involved as a helper in the local Brownie/Rainbows pack or a similar after school activity? It would put you "on the radar" and would mean all the girls were familiar with you. You would also have more chance of interacting with duty mums each week.
Can you invite a group of Mums for a coffee morning or lunch at your house on your day off, or for a Body Shop party one evening to raise money for the school (PTA or something like that)?
Is there a cafe in the village -can you suggest going for a coffee with the mum of a child dd likes and taking the girls?
I think you will have to be thick skinned and invite, organise, arrange etc until you build up a body of Mums who know you and include you.
I would also continue to attend as many village events as you possibly can.
When the time rolls around get yourself onto a committee - once again the PTA is a good one - so you are specifically involved with a few parents.
All it will take is to get to properly know a few mums and it will build from there. Be patient - if you are determined and friendly and smiley you will get there.
Also arrive for school as early as you can and try not to rush off too soon as often as you can manage it.

ItsAllAboutTheChocolate · 06/02/2011 19:56

Same position here. Live a couple of miles outside the village. Five years I have been at the school gates for. I have been on the PTA from day one and have tried very hard to 'fit in'. But am still seen as an outsider. I have given up, the DS's never get invited to parties, playdates etc unless it is another outside the village kid.

We moved my eldest last Easter due to various issues with the junior site and he is like a different child since. His confidence has grown, he has more friends and regularly meets friends outside school. Am in the process of moving the other two, the village parents are so precious of what they see as their school they fail to grasp without the outsiders the school would close down.

Flip