Perspective needed on Yr 3 School Production

[girlsmum]

Hi, need some perspective or maybe a shake;

DD aged 7, year 3 is taking part in the school production, as are all of years 3 and 4. DD is taking part in a couple of songs.

DD is getting increasingly upset as the production draws closer. At bedtime when we're chatting about what's happening tom, she gets very upset and cries - always about the same thing - the production. She says she's frightened. She also doesn't like one of the teachers who keeps phsyically pulling her around the stage getting her into position.

Rang Sch last week and spoke to DD's teacher,explained the situation - DD really upset and worried about it and actually doesn't want to take part. Teacher 'surprised etc, I'll speak to DD, maybe move her to the back'. However DD insists teacher has not spoken to her.

The school play is on just before the half term, starting at 7pm on two school nights finishing at 8.15pm. The sch letter says all children must attend.

DD wants me to give her those two days off as sick (!).

So, as DD is now at Juniors do I just encourage her to enjoy, take part, overcome her fears.

Or do I get in the school and pull her out? What will my daughter gain from this experience, will it build confidence? Or will it do the opposite if she's forced to do it?

Am I babying her?

I kind of feel, that X Factor, Britains Got Talent etc, have contributed to the schools really getting stuck in with drama but dropping sports?

Why couldn't they encourage the kids who don't want to take part to maybe help with props or cues etc?

Advice appreciated.

Bump

This is something I have a great deal of experience of. My oldest dd now in year 6 has always hated productions. It has caused major problems. So much so that after Christmas production dd was in a very bad state, has only just come out of the other side. Main reason was all the extra rehersals, the being shouted at by the teacher, the production was actually very depressing. Not a fun production at all. I don't think this was actually the nerves that she has always had similar to you DD about performing, I think this was bad teaching and too much commitment and pressure on the children.

Other productions she does and really just suffers them but when she was five, six the head would literally have to hold her hand all morning until the production was over and she had just about managed to do her bit.

It's a hard call, in the past I have always made her do it and it has paid off, She is now able to understand that she is terrified but that it will only last so long. A child psychiatrist explained it to me by saying "the anxiety can only reach a certain level, anxiety level is going up, once it reaches a certain evel it will plato, then it will come down, and if the child understand that this will happen it will help as they are very young they think it will just keep going up. " or something along those lines.

She explained it by drawing a curved line diagram it helped with swimming galas etc. For sport I can say the fear or nerves makes you go faster. They need to understand their anxiety and fear and use it to their advantage.

So will it cause her lasting damage. I don't know.
Will she enjoy the production? Probably not but hopefully will have a sense of overcoming and achieving something afterwards for herself.
If she is taken out of this one will she learn to overcome her fears for future and be brave.

Two exanples of this. My oldest dd is terrified of most stuff had been on Prozac as a 7 year old can off it before these two incidents.

She did a swimming gala, was terrified and clung onto me. But s he did it and did really well and felt great about herself. She learned to overcome a real fear.

She is terrified of needles, she had to have a blood test, she was terrified and it took us half an hour to do it but all the time she wouldn't give up and everytime the doctor said don't do it today she insisted on having another go.

Her anxiety was getting in the way but she was fighting with it to have some control of herself.

So I'm not sure what the answer is but hopefully my dds experiences may help you to understand children's anxiety.

I don't think that you give her the days off sick, it is a very bad message that you can lie to get out of anything difficult. I would go to school and get the teacher to really understand the extent of the problem and get her hidden at the back.

I hope that all those parents who complain when their DC doesn't get a main part read this! Lots of parents want to see their DC centre stage and lots of DCs want to be back line of the chorus! (I always wanted to be hidden at the back)

Oooh hard one. I may be tempted to carry on with it this time but use what you have learnt this time to "get in there" with the school at an earlier stage next time - to make sure she has a minor part at the back and can just blend into the background -f she still is shy/worried about being on stage.

Once she has done this performance she will have a big sense of achievment and obviously you will praise her for her role too.

The fact the school seem to have ignored your requests to have a word with your daughter and appear to have done nothing would make me livid though. I wonder if in their aim to have the "perfect" school production they think "its too late to make changes now" sort of thing. Which is just wrong when a child is distressed. I would be tempted to go into school and confront ask the teacher how they have sorted the matter out/what was discussed/changed etc because your DD still seems very stressed/distressed and is telling you nothing has changed.

I do think that your DD would get huge feeling of pride and achievement (and relief) if she does this show, but perhaps her role needs to be tweaked and she needs more sympathetic handling by the staff to help her overcome her fears.

Good luck.

It iwll be soemthign the kids all talk about and rehearse for coming weeks, before and after - do you want her to feel excluded ? Our school productions (alternate years) are huge deals, more so because the drama teacher gets so stressed and hyper and that is relayed to the children. dd was not well during the actual production week last year but she still took part. If your dd is allowed to opt out it will set a precedent and, I fear, trigger social issues. Go on with a nonchalent attitude and make a fuss when it is all over. Can you arrange for her to be on the end of the singing group so if it does get too much someone in the wings can discreetly guide her off.

totally agree with LIZS

I wouldn't make my DD do it. No way.

I wouldn't keep her off sick. I'd write a note to school today saying I'm keeping DD off school on the days of the production because she is too scared to do it.

That gives school an opportunity to address it if they want to.

I would not to do that personally Indigobell - is it not just storing up trouble for the future? ie being allowed not to do things because she doesn't want to....what about exams/school trips? Things like school productions instill in children the need to push oneselves out of the comfort zone - I always tell my pupils that sitting a music exam (which they hate) will bode well for them in the future if they want to do a driving test as they are already so used to performing in front of another person. If you don't encourage your child to do it, it could even lead to over anxiety about it (being confirmed by mother) and then onto school refusal. (Have a friend going through this at the moment- and the seeds were planted in the lower primary years).

Hi, Thanks so much for your messages. I really needed some alternate points of view.

I wouldn't ever give her the time off sick, it's just what she's asking (between sobs).

I think I'll go back in and speak to the teacher tom, I'm actually thinking about putting it in writing. I feel then once it's down in print the really have to address the issue.

I would like my DD to take part, for all the reasons you state, I know she will be on a real high afterwards. It's just getting her to the point where she goes through with it. I can imagine her crying at school before they actually go on.

It all came to a boiling point last night really, when she was crying about it on a Saturday night - and I thought enough is enough. But in the sunshine of this Sunday morning, I can see things a bit more clearly. I really want to encourage her to take part.

On a separate note, before she started the Juniors, for about a week before, she cried every night - she was physically shaking walking to school on the first day. She pushed through this anxiety and now loves Juniors.

Exactly. They will cry. Its their excellent 'make-mummy-feel-guilty' thing. You can't do right for doing wrong I know but as you say at this age you need to push (I believe) through the anxiety otherwise it will get worse once they are older and hormones have control of their minds.

My son left his primary school (state) in year 6 (which he had been at since reception)to go on his own to an indie school and to go down an academic year too. He cried for the whole of the first term - I felt like the bitch queen mother from Hell but now, he absolutely loves it and is continuing there throughout his secondary education. He is so much happier than he was in his previous school (not that he was ever really unhappy there) and has loads of friends and loves the teachers too.

Ok, well here are some books about overcoming anxiety:

What to do when you worry too much

When my worries get too big

Maybe, you can work through it with worries with her at home....

Ah, poor DD. I think you are doing the right thing by talking to the teacher again. And I would mention your DD crying about being pulled into position - which I am sure the teacher will take seriously. Your DD is obviously very sensitive and that should be taken into account by the school.

I would also plan a treat for after the performance, as a reward for getting through it. And deal as calmly as you can with the fear - sounds like you are doing that anyway.

Another good book, btw, is The Highly Sensitive Child.

My DS was very like that, he hated change, floods of tears before junior school, couldn't go away for the night etc. I just carried on, didn't make him feel silly but didn't get over protective and he is fine now, he got there in his own time.

Do you think this letter sounds ok to hand to her teacher tom?

I'm not sure if it's over the top, am I making too big a deal here?

Dear teacher

Further to my conversation with you last week regarding DDs real reluctance to take part in the school production, I wanted to reiterate DD concerns to you in writing.

DD is getting very tearful at home regarding the thought of getting up on stage. Whilst I know it must be very stressful at school for all Staff pulling off a major school production, DD problems probably seem very small in comparison. I would like to confirm this is a big deal for us at home. DD is seeking a lot of reassurance and asking me to call in sick for her on the days of the show.

I would like to ask that some consideration is given to DD, who is clearly anxious at the thought of being involved. She has also said she finds it upsetting that 'teacher' is physically pulling her around the stage to place her in the correct position.

On our part at home, we?re trying not to make a big deal of it, offering her reassurance and promising that she will probably enjoy it. I am not asking you to pull DD out of the performance, but perhaps standing her on the end so she can come off is she finds it overwhelming, or at the back (although I know then we won?t spot her when we come to watch!).

I?m not asking for ?special treatment? as such, but something that I really liked about the school whilst looking round last year, is when we were told every child would be treated as an individual. I think DD has some individual needs here.

Perhaps in future, it may be worth consideration that the children who are not so keen, could be involved in other ways, maybe lighting, cueing or props?

I look forward to DD enjoying the School Production.

I think I'm just looking for a 'nod' from the school really that they will help boost 'DD' from their end.

I would go in a speak to the teacher rather than write a letter, try and catch her first thing and if she is busy get her to agree to end of the day, or phoning you.

i have been involved with school and other theatre productions for many years and have found there is usually one ot two children who are very nervous of performing. usually I appoint them as stage manager or the like so that they are involved without having to actually having to perform. On most occasions the child has by the time of performance offered their services to go on in place of an absent child or join the chorus they seem to find it easier once the pressure is off. By the following production most are eager to take part.

Totally agree with last post - being involved without being forced into 'performing' sounds good.

I would talk to teacher rather than send in a letter, tbh, and ask if they could find a way of doing just that...

My dd1, historically, loathes performing. In Reception and Y1, she would be in the back row of a whole Infant School nativity, hiding. She is not anxious about loads of other things - just performing on stage, being the focus of a large crowd. She is now in Y2, and has slowly and gently been encouraged by her school - as all the kids are - eg doing the 'welcome' with a microphone for a Y1 parents' assembly - with her teacher holding her hand.

This term, they ran a 'Britain's Got Talent' type thing - and dd and her friend wrote a song, created dance/costume etc. She managed the auditions beautifully, in spite of nerves, and was full of confidence as a result - but to her horror, she got into the final (whole school watching, plus parents). She made a decision at the last minute NOT to perform in it, and was supported by her class teacher - encouragement but no pressure. She is full of confidence at her creativity and the brave step she DID take, and has no regrets at all.

Here is the hard part: I would have had regrets, if it had been me - but she is not me. It was tough going with her needs, and not forcing mine onto her in some way, if I'm honest - just trusting she'll get bigger and braver in her own way, and her own time. But I'm so glad now that I did.

Good luck, its hard to contain them through so much angst

I can see where you're coming from but slightly differently with Sports Day. She is small and not naturally sporty at all.

I think a lot comes from the fear of not doing something well (or thinking they are not). It's easier for her not to take part in a race by choice than come last.

however we reassured that she just had to try her hardest, saying that on the day she'd be great and we'd be so proud to see her race..

Also had conversations about sometimes doing things we didn't enjoy and how nobody can be the best at everything, but that it's great to take part in lots of things that you think might not enjoy but can be fun.

I think i would def talk to the teacher, but i wouldn't take her out of it.

ps
on the day she came last in every race but we were there cheering her on,and she did her best :)

I wouls send the letter simply because they are busy people and can read it at a goood time of the day. I thought your letter sounded clear, polite and non-confrontational. Just right!

Good luck with this one. Hope it works out well for your DD

I like speaking better, you can't get tone and expression in a letter.

I am astonished that an evening performance is compulsory for the child to attend. Is this a private school?
Tbh, the letter sounded sarky to me.

agree with Lamorna

Of course they need the child there in the evening! They don't work at it for weeks and then have children say 'I'm not coming'! Also imagine the fuss from working parents if they had to say 'you must have a half day off work because some children can't come in the evening'.