"I guess I am lucky with dd1's school as I think they are helping her to think for herself, take responsibility for her own actions etc. They don't just tell them what to do, they encourage them to think about it, to question what they are told etc."
That's good. Kids do have a level of responsibility for themselves at school, and it's great if the teachers encourage them to think about the consequences of their behaviour and have the time to discuss situations.
However, choices are limited. They have to be, in an environment where attendance is compulsory, the curriculum is fixed, and large numbers of children are working closely together. At school if another kid is really annoying you while you're trying to read, you have choices such as hitting her, asking her to stop, and asking a teacher to make her stop.
At home if my eleven year old's sister is really annoying her, she has additional choices: change from reading to another activity involving the little one so she'll feel included and stop pestering, shut herself in another room alone to calm down, go to the library, persuade mum to keep the little one occupied, go outside to run around and let off steam, try to engage little sister in playing with dolls and then creep off to read some more. Because there's no requirement to stay in the same room and to stick with the reading, more choices are available. In her adult life she will occasionally have to cope in an environment where she has only a few real options, but most of the time there will be a very wide range of strategies to choose from.
That's what I mean when I say children have more opportunities to take responsibility for themselves when they aren't under the control of school, and that this helps them to grow up.