teacher told me DD plays on her own

[Feelingsensitive]

DD started reception in september. Had a parents evening meeting tonight and was told DD doing very well in school (she described her as very able) and gets on well with other children but is often alone at playtime. As dramatic as it sounds it felt like someone had wacked me. I feel so awful for my lovely DD. She is very friendly and outgoing and has never had a problem making friends. I spoke to DD and asked her about friends etc and who she played with and she kept saying people are often 'hiding' and she can't find them. OTOH she has been invited to a few playdates and has been to loads of parties but I don't know what to do. The teacher is going to observe the situation until we can meet again to discuss next week. I am finding it hard not to over react.

Who does the playground supervision at your DD's school? At my DD's schools it is the TAs. They are excellent as they really keep an eye out for who is on their own. They make it their business to know if they are being excluded or if they just want to be on their own.They then work on subtle ways of getting the child back into the fold. There are also older children who act as 'buddies' and help play with the younger ones.
Hope you get this sorted for DD.Does she seem bothered by it? This did happen to my neice. She is a very gifted student but had no friends. She was not bothered by it at all though. If someone said they didnt like her she just shrugged it off. Suddenly 3 years in she is very popular but no happier/sadder than when she was on her own.

hi feelingsensitive - I can imagine this feels more awful for you than your dd! I felt so protective of my son and would inwardly weep on pick up when boys would run away from him or not let him join in with their games or ignore him. he actually did'nt seem to notice that much and would take himself off to play on his own - he eventually 'fell in' with some of the quieter, less boisterous boys and seems happy enough now.
keep plugging away with the playdates - I found them difficult/tiring but persevered (try inviting boys as well). what about any outside groups/neighbours children etc? 'Friendships' are still very fluid at this stage!

Thanks for your reply. DD doesnt seem bothered. It just broke my heart when she said the others were hiding as I thought they may have done it deliberatley but I also don't really know what she means. I am not sure who supervises so I will ask. I think the teacher just observed her alone on a few occassions. She also has a alot of accidents and reporting of illnesses which she thinks may be linked to her feeling left out. I don't know just makes me so

Cross post with ican. That's the odd thing - she has tons of friends and has always been very sociable. The only thing is that she has clashed quite badly with another girl on a number of occassions. I have witnessed this girl being spiteful to DD on a number of occassions, such as exclusing her and then DD (who it has to be said is quite forthright) stands up for herself and it escalates into a row. At that point they are both as bad as each other. DD doesnt have issues like this with anyone else so it appears to be a personality clash. We don't have anything to do with this girl out of school so I just suggested DD try and play with other people. The teacher is aware of the situatiion so I might ask if its any better. Very difficult as the risk is I put my adult feelings onto two 4 year old girls.

I understand where you are coming from FS... my DS has ASD so I am acutely aware of friendship issues. Similar to what Ican said, but my first thought after reading your post was that you said she had been invited to playdates (at this point, can I say "yack" to that word... it makes my skin crawl ) but have you invited others to yours? Foster good relations... that kind of thing. She is unlikely to choose the girl she conflicts with so go with her choices, and even if you work full time, you should make the effort of having someone over on a Saturday. Parents often reciprocate.

I do feel for you.

Yes I hate playdates too . Still keep using it though. Yes we have invited people back. In fact we started most of them and she is going on reciprocal invites now. Oddly enough she often wants to see the girl she argues with but I have so far avoided that one. I thought it was normal to have several accident/reports of illness forms in her bag (she has had at least 3 since the start of this term) but having asked my sister it would appear not. I think the teacher thinks it maybe indicating a problem. The accidents are all minor but she reports an injury which then means they have to fill out the form for her book bag (she is quite dramatic when injured!) but the illness thing is new. Apparently today she told them she had a head ache but they didnt call me as she said it had gone 10 mins later.

Ha - I got stuck in the "playdate" loop for a while too. You will ditch it (hypnosis - you will ditch it )

In my opinion/limited experience I would not avoid the one she conflicts with. She obviously likes her but perhaps doesn't know how to interact with her? At four, she has only just really (relatively) come out of the "playing alongside others" so in all probability needs help in understanding hers and other's motives. It may be your chance to help her by observing how they play together and talking to her about it afterwards.