Pushy mum?

[askyourfather]

Hi all

For as long as I can remember DS (aged 9) has joined clubs/taken part in activities then slowly lost interest and has asked to stop going.
The really important stuff like swimming I've made him keep up but there are things I've spent a lot of time, money and effort driving him to/encouraging him to enjoy/enthusing about that he just doesn't seem to have any drive for.
I'm wondering if it's just his personality type but so far he's began, then stopped: martial arts, guitar lessons, running club and most recently - which he always loved until now - chess club at school.
He's outgoing and has lots of friends and does well academically but I really want him to experience the things my parents didn't have the money or access to allow me to do. I've always felt I missed out on 'doing clubs' and am angry that he's given so much opportunity to better himself and doesn't snatch it up.
Does anyone have any similar frustrations or any ideas how to push him towards stuff without pushing him too far?!
Cross and frustrated!
Thanks all.

Sorry Cortina - I started writing that before your last post!

This is a subject which is a bit close to my heart at the moment, because, as I mentioned, DS1 is quite good at music, and I've been told variously by three different music teachers that he is naturally gifted/ has natural musicality/ could be very good etc.

He is currently applying to senior schools and has an audition for a music scholarship. He says he wants to try, so is going ahead with it, but personally I don't think he will get it because he is under-rehearsed/ not 'polished' enough.

I blame myself. Although I do play music with him & over see his practice, I should have nagged more about practising every day. I should perhaps have sought out more opportunities for him to play in out of school groups etc.
He is certainly very good for his age, but I suspect the children who get the scholarships will be the ones with full-time encouragement (and dare I say, a bit of on-going 'pushing' from their parents)?

homeboys - "When a child finds something that they actually enjoy, they wont mind that it's hard and they will want to carry on"

You see I don't agree with this at all...
I think virtually all children would tend to give up when the going gets tough and any hobby/ skill etc goes through those inevitable tough/difficult patches.

I don't think any junior violinist gets any 'reward' for many years! It's a difficult instrument that it's hard to sound musical on until you're about Grade 3. But a parent can inspire a child by taking them to concerts of brilliant violinists, or playing alongside them (to mask the child's noise sound )

I think it is our duty as parents to teach our children ambition, perserverance, the ability to overcome challenges and setbacks etc... rather than just saying 'yeah, it's ok, you don't like it, yeah, you can quit then...'

In my case, the point is that my son is disappointed if he gets a Merit and not a Distinction, so it's my job as a parent to teach him/ show him what he will need to do if he is going to achieve at that level (And I know he can....)

My DSS has done loads of activities and then dropped them, and most of them seemed to be his mum's idea rather than his. She was really keen to discover a talent in him.

I thought it was nuts at the time, but he did get intensely interested in activity 6 - drama - and still is (he is noticeably good at it, and it has really helped his confidence). She also made him do guitar and then piano lessons, both of which he hated. But suddenly he has got keen on learning the guitar by himself. So her strategy did work pretty well in the end.

I think it's a shame when a young child can reel off a list of things they've tried and "dropped". My Dniece is 7, and has already tried and rejected swimming lessons, ballet, Irish dancing and gymnastics. She didn't do any of the activities for longer than about 4 or 5 months, excpet swimming, which she kept up for longer. Her sister (5 yo) has rejected football, tennis, swimming and ballet. When my Dsis and I were growing up, we both learned the piano. She stuck with it from age 8 to age 16, and got pretty good, but never loved it. I was 6 when we started, carried on with lessons til I was 18 and left home, and still play for pleasure now. In her late teens, Dsis decided that our parents "made" her learn it, and vowed that she would never "make" her own children do things. My own DTDs (4.8) have been doing ballet and gymnastics for over a year, and really enjoy it. If they fuss about not wanting to go (rare) then I take them anyway, and by the time we've arrived and they've seen their friends, their enthusiasm has generally returned.

I think as a parent, it's really really important to teach children from an early age that committment and perseverence are often just as, if not more important that inate "talent". I now teach Performing Arts at Secondary School, and am currently tearing my hair out daily at kids who have parts in the school musical, are really talented but don't show enough committment to turn up to rehearsals.

Whilst extra-curricular activities need to be fun and enjoyable, I think it's really sad when children are just told "OK then, you don't have to go if you don't want to" by parents.

PS Dsis now says she wishes she'd kept the piano up. I wonder if my Dneieces will wish the same when they're older.

Perhaps you could find an activity where your DS gets to dabble in a variety of activities and experiences, something like Scouts (or Duke of Edinburgh Awards when he hits 13).

I think this is the danger of trying to do the opposite of what you wanted to do as a DC, the DC may be nothing like you. I think it needs to come from them, encourage and support, once they have expressed an interest, but don't persuade.

my DS has only ever stuck with football - 5 years now!
At his school there are different clubs available every day of the week after school, he chops and changes every term, which is fine by me he is getting to try lots of new things, so far he has only stuck at chess for more than one term. I do insist he sticks with an activity for the whole term - no dropping out halfway through.

Another thing I wanted to add - I think that kids catch on very quickly, and take a lot of their cues from us. Knowing that parents support them, and want them to stick at something and do well counts for a lot. So kids might well interpret Mum saying "you don't have to carry on going if you don't want to" as "I'm not that bothered if you go". As a child and a teen, I did loads of music and drama stuff - piano lessons, singing lessons, two separate choirs and lots of school plays (at my school and a local boys' school who took their girls from elsewhere) and it meant so much to me that my parens were willing to take me to rehearsals and lessons and pick me up, and to come along to concerts and productions. The fact that they were interested was really really important - I suppose I felt that they might be disappointed if I just gave up after they'd been so supportive.

Homeboys - I know what you mean about the self-worth and achieving a merit vs. a distinction etc, but it does depend very much on each individual child - a 'merit' in some things would be a huge achievement for DS2 for example, and we would be delighted/ praising etc.

DS1 is a different matter. He got a Merit for a recent music exam and was gutted, because he knew, in his heart of hearts that he could have easily got a distinction if he'd put in the practice and commitment .
He started out by trying to blame the examiner (for testing the 'wrong' things) and his teacher (for not teaching him properly) and me (for 'not making him practice more' ). It was only when he calmed down and we went through what he'd lost critical marks for that he reluctantly accepted it was down to his own lack of commitment and practice.

I also think there's a risk with young children these days starting too many things too soon, then 'quitting' (I HATE that phrase with a vengeance!) before they've even had a chance to develop any proper skills. Rugby was a case in point for us. The school taught them at a young age, and the younger, smaller boys found it too much of a physical challenge at a young age. DS2 has sadly now declared that he will 'never be a rubgy player' at the tender age of 8 !
That wasn't something we made him keep doing - he was just too miserable about it, but I've told him that there's nothing to stop him picking it up again when he's older if he wants to.

Interestingly my DS1 commented to me the other day that he wished he was 'really good' at at least one sport (after finding out that his friend was playing in a county team). Again we had a discussion about effort vs. reward, and I had to point out that his friend practices for about 8 hours a week, doesn't do other after school clubs, and often misses weekend parties etc.

It's a hard message, but one they need to learn by the time they're about 11!

I'm not a big one for all these clubs. I think much of it is a waste of money especially when they are young. I am going to take DD back for swimming lessons at some point and she goes to ballet because she loves it but until she asks to do anything else that's it. I did lots of dancing and have ended up as a rather fat woman in her late 30s instead of the lithe ballet dancer I had intended to be after all those lessons

I was just doing some passer by reading before bed, and wanted to say to 'askyourfather' what a thoughtful wonderful mother you seem to be. So many parents wouldn't take the time to think such issues through as thoroughly as you clearly do. Your son's going to be a lot better than fine with such a thoughtful mother. I don't think you need to worry too much, just trust your instincts.

I regret not making DS (now 11) stay in swim lessons, he got a sense of achievement from it and his ability (how strong a swimmer he is) has deteriorated since he quit.

My other worry is that DS is more likely to be easily led astray by wayward teenage peers, if he doesn't have his own tangible achievements/hobbies/interests. It would improve his self-esteem and confidence (to say "No" to stupid ideas from charismatic people) if he had a satisfying hobby shared with others... and a stronger sense of who he is and liking the things he likes, not needing to please others.

As an adult I am always taking up a new hobby / club / whatever. Trying it for a term or a year, and then giving up.

Sometimes I give up because it was brilliant but I got to the point I wanted to get to.

Sometimes I give up because after a term I realise it's not what I want to do.

Sometimes I can't afford it.

Sometimes I can't find the time to do it.

Whatever......

Don't see why my children should not also be allowed to give up stuff that is no longer interesting to them.

I look back on all of the things I have tried and am pleased I gave all of them a go. I got something out of all of them...

I posted a similar question not so very long back, after my realising I was getting stressed at hell trying to get DD to classes on time & do things at home creatively that she'd always previously loved :(.....DD is 8, also popular, creative, academic, old for her years etc etc & seemed to hit an age where it became just 1 big battle :(

So YES, I too think it is just a phase they go through, & not worth driving yourself nuts over, continuing to push them into things they don't want to do anymore just drives a wedge between you, & stresses both of you, if theres a real aptitude or interest there, they will come round & want to try again, they've all the time in the world

DD is now starting to WANT to do classes again, but I can totally now see my friends point, when she told me early on, never to bother with classes until Senior school as its just a waste, they either don't remember it, or don't want to do it......got to admit I can now see she is right

The only one that I insisted on was swimming lessons, it is an essential skill and may save their life one day.

It's the same old story
the children that can't have them want them and those who it gets handed to, couldn't care less.

I heard John McEnroe speaking about his kids, when asked if they played tennis he replied that they suffered from "affluenza" they had been given too much so didn't work at anything!!

My situation is just the same!!!