DS causing so much tension at home

[Peanuts33]

My DS is nearly 7 and he is causing so much stress and tension at home. He has always been a boisterous child and everyone says that he is a character (which I always read as a pain in the butt). He seems to have no respect for anyone, whether it is myself, his dad, teachers or peers. He talks to everyone in the same cocky manner and is much worse if he has an audience. E.g. in the line at school in front of all his friends if I go to kiss him goodbye or even talk to him to tell him to line up or have a nice day, he'll make some kind of cocky remark and call me a name.

He thinks that the whole world revolves around him. So if he wants something, he has to have it now or he will keep on and on and on until he gets it. He does this at school too. Right from reception his teachers have said that he interrupts them constantly and shouts out instead of putting his hand up. He is now in year 2 and all his teachers since reception have tried to address this in various ways (i.e. target charts with stickers if he gets through a session without interrupting) but none of them have had success.

His behaviour on his school reports has always been "satisfactory" and I have never been called in about it before until this week. His teacher has said that he has been very silly and disruptive all week. She has asked him why and he couldnt give her an answer. She also said that he has been making shooting signs at one of the girls and was told three times at various points throughout the week to stop but he is still doing it. When asked why he says he forgot that he's not allowed to.

The thing is. He is such hard work to be around that it causes so much tension at home. We never really enjoy a weekend because he is causing some kind of trouble, or being rude and cocky.

We have tried every trick in the book from banning toys, banning tv, banning computer games to praising his good behaviour and we always follow through but nothing seems to work. Now I'm thinking is this his personality and I'm getting so down because I feel like I am bashing my head against a brick wall. He did the shooting thing again tonight at the dinner table.

My husband thinks that if we keep perservering it will eventually get through but I am really not so sure it will.

We had a massive row yesterday morning again over something that he had done and I ended up saying that this situation cant go on and somebody is going to have to go. He got really upset and started crying saying he doesnt want anyone to go and I know it was a horrible thing for me to say and I feel so guilty about it but I was at the end of my tether.

Sorry this is long but I just wondered if anyone can offer any kind of words of help or advice.

He sounds like very hard work indeed.

Is he very bright and therefore easily bored?

What do you do when he behaves in such a way???

Hope someone can suggest something to help x

He sounds like he is really attention seeking - have you tried ignoring the behaviour that he's obviously doing to wind you up? So, for example, when he starts doing the gun signs, just walk out of the room and leave him to it? If he hasn't got an audience perhaps it won't be worth doing? Sometimes kids think even negative attention (a telling off!) is better than no attention... That way he won't get to see that he's upsetting you and gives you time to count to 10!
Also does he do any kind of activity which could burn off some of his energy? Maybe like a football club or something where he can have a run about but also there will be expectations of joining in with what everyone else is doing and less time to prat about - and also an opportunity for him to achieve at something and be the focus of attention in a positive way?
I've taught children this age (and older) and some children do feel the need to be the centre of attention and it can be because they feel insecure about something and this is a way of hiding it. Is he finding his school work difficult? Finding it hard to make friends? Sometimes something as simple as giving them special duties (whiteboard wiper for the day etc) gives them the sense of purpose without needing to resort to clowning around...
I don't know if any of these ideas might work for your DS but it is a phase and it will pass ( not quickly enough I'm sure!)

I think he is quite bright CarGirl but not really in an academic kind of way. He isn't in the top group of 6 in the class but near the top of the average group. He is very articulate and seems older than his years in some ways. He likes programmes like Camp Rock and High School Musical rather than the usual 6 year old programmes. He is not particularly sporty but is very very active. i.e. He does not sit still for a second. We make sure he gets plenty of exercise but nothing seems to wear him out.

He's not a loner but doesnt particularly seem to "need" friends. He does have one good friend at school but is also quite happy with his own company. I can see sometimes that he gets on his friends' nerves cos he is just so intense and everything has to be on his terms like what game they are playing etc.

Also he has a very low attention span. He gets bored very easily and will flit from one task to another. He will read the first few pages of a book and then the last page because he doesnt have the patience to read the whole book to find out the story.

To me he sounds insecure, but I'm just a Mum!

If he has low attention span, doesn't sit still etc this treatment would probably help him......

I've linked to the questionnaire but read around the sight, I've had my dds treated

www.inpp.org.uk/questions/index.php

Have you spoken to the school and asked for some help in working out some sort of strict discipline code to deal with his behaviour - I mean strict as in strictly adhered to so it is absolutely consistent in ignoring the attentions seeking behaviour and working positive attention time into your daily routine?

How about something like Stagecoach or equivalent? If he likes music / drama etc he'd get the chance to be centre-stage in a positive way. I think SC is quite expensive but there may be an alternative?
With regards to his attention span, children are supposed to be able to concentrate for their age in years plus 1 minute so 8 mins is possibly what you could expect ( give or take a minute!) for what it's worth, my DD is 5 and never sits still - loves HSM too and currently loving the Glee soundtrack (tho not allowed to watch the show - is a bit old for her - but YouTube clips are good!) her teacher just said that when she sees that my DD has "timed out" they move her on to a new activity.

Am no expert but I wonder if anyone has suggested an assessment by an educational psychologist? If he is bright but not achieving academically he may have underlying special educational needs or a behavioural issue, or a combination of the two.

It sounds like no amount of supernanny-style rewards and sanctions will work with him. The definition for many slight behavioural issues is that the behaviour is present at both home and school.

I recognise some of what you say in terms of attention span in my DD who was eventually diagnosed as dyslexic with possible Attention deficit disorder. After more testing it was found that she actually has auditory processing disorder instead, which was leading to lack of attention and a sense of immediacy in getting her needs me/voice heard. There's no magic remedy but understanding her condition has helped enormously to find the right type of education and to find strategies that work.

Is it possible to pay privately for an ed psychologist? I dont really want to go through the school yet as dont want him labelled if it is not necessary.

Yes you can pay privately.

I too thought undiagnosed SEN but didn't want to suggest it on so little info.

The treatment I linked too above helps with all the obvious things that could be his issue

dyslexia
ADD
auditory processing disorder

Please consider it - the initial assessment is quick and definitive. It's not a magic cure but will make such a huge improvement.

You can access one via Dyslexia Action (national organisation) though it costs around £400. You may also be able to get a referral via the GP depending on your area. Schools get limited access for free but they get to select the children referred not the parents.

I guess it may end up being a label but at least you would know once and for all - it has been a double-edged sword in a way for us because we immediately felt shocked to discover DD wouldn't just grow out of her issues - we had been waiting for her to for years and it just didn't happen - so we had a certain adjustment time to go through - and also school treated her a bit differently we found. They kind of gave up on her and pushed her to lower sets than her ability. However, in hindsight, that was the best thing they could have done as we lost all faith in the school and moved her to a much, much better school for her - where they are focusing on what she CAN do rather than what she can't.....she is thriving academically now.

It's a choice you don't need to make now - you know your DS and should listen to your instincts. i merely wanted to offer a different perspective and suggest other avenues to pursue. Good luck!

thirty something my dd was successfully treated for mild ADP using johansen therapy, we saw the results very quickly.

Is there not a SENCO you could speak to at the school? The thing is, in my experience, children really aren't "labelled" by something like this. To be honest, these days, most children have an educational need of some description, be it english as second language, late in the year, ADHD, gifted and talented etc etc. A huge host of different needs have to be catered for by the school and if you raise these problems you're hving with the specialist SEN teacher, then at least while you investigate possible causes, the teachers at the school can appropriately address his needs. If there is an underlying reason for his behaviour then he needs to be treated with sympathy, understanding and appropriate discipline, and that can surely only happen effectively if the staff are aware that there may be a problem? The fact that he was upset by your saying someone might have to leave shows he's capable of empathy, and it must be distressing for him if he doesn't understand his behaviour himself. As CarGirl said, based on what you've said, one couldn't judge whether this SEN or not, but a SENCO would be able to offer some support even if you went for a private Ed Psych.

But if the problem is something like ADHD than an EP is not the right person to go to. You will need a referral to a paed.

I would get whatever professional help you can afford and not worry about 'labeling'.

I would stop him from watching older kids TV programmes such as Camp Rock and High School Musical for a start. They are full of ATIITUDE. Everytime my 6 year has watched one (all of three time) he is such a bloody cocky know it all for hours after - even Tracey Beaker can make him rude and attention seeking....

Just a thought....