Culture clash - 'fitting in' at school

[crazycrofter]

Our children (year 2 and reception) have just moved from a tiny private school to our local primary. We live in an area which is on the whole quite deprived and the children at the school are from quite different backgrounds to ours.

We did consider another school in a 'middle class' area, but we didn't like the emphasis (SATs,SATs,SATs!) or the head very much, whereas we were really impressed with the other head and the caring ethos of the school.

We are only three days in, so it's very early days, and my daughter (year 2) seems to be settling. My son is upset every day, but that's to be expected, given that he's not quite 4.5.

One of my concerns about the school was whether the children would feel different and whether they would ever fit in. On the one hand I want them to grow up with strong personalities and not feel that they have to be like everyone else. On the other hand I know how horrible it is to be different at school! We are a Christian family, too, so there are going to be some other differences, in addition to the 'class/upbringing/parental occupation' differences.

Already, my daughter is refusing to eat fruit at lunchtime,as no one else has fruit in their lunchboxes. My initial reaction was to say she had to eat fruit, it was good for her etc, but then I realised I was being a bit harsh, given she's a new girl, and I have relented for now, as long as she eats the fruit after school. Today I sent her to school with crisps instead!

I am just a bit worried that this is the start of a series of differences that will bother her/mark her out/stop her making friends. Or that I might have to compromise on other important issues. Am I over-reacting? Will they be ok? Does anyone have any useful experiences to share?

I guess you just have to decide what you "bottom line" is, i.e. what issues are so important to you that you would not consider compromising even if it singles your DC out and letting the small stuff, like your lunchtime fruit example, go. We live in an area where we pretty much fit in but this kind of issue still occurs i.e. having to tell my DS (8)'s friend's mother that actually I didn't want DS to play on age 12 or 16 rated computer games, even though that might have been embarrassing for DS.

you are almost certainly going to have to change your lifestyle dramatically so your children can fit in.

I'd start by renaming them something common. then move on to dressing them only from mataland and develop a nice local accent too. that'll help them 'fit in'.

Hi crazycrofter - we are in a similar situation to you. Our catchment school, where DS has started in Reception in September, is a bit of a mixed bag. Similarly, we were impressed with the leadership and ethos shown by the Head.

This is very personal, but I would not compromise. If you signal that you will compromise with the fruit vs crisps, everything is to be debated. Where will you stop and how damaged your authority will be by then?

All kids are different, they will find ways of making friends and to ensure these are the right ones, they'd better be themselves from day one, in my opinion.

With DS we've had endless conversations about his friends and why what they do is not what we do. The issue of stud earings for boys comes to mind, it was very difficult to explain to a not yet 5 year old that is is OK for friend X to have one but not DS, because that is not who we are, what we do or part of the people we want to grow up to be.

Haha! I knew I'd get a response like that! You may be right and the other children do have fruit. It's just that she has eaten fruit every day for the past two and a half years without complaint and she's happy to eat it after school, so I assumed that she was telling the truth about it.

She got very tearful when she told me about the lunchtime experience and she is genuinely afraid of the older children whispering about her lunchbox contents. It's all very daunting for them, as the school is about ten times the size of their old one.

I don't think the other children are beneath her at all -just different. Of course there will be other Christians in the school - it's a C of E school! But I grew up as one of the few kids from a Christian family at school, so I know how hard it can be at times.

I guess I'm just worried that they'll be unhappy. And I'm even more worried that they will be unhappy because of decisions we have made - which is hard! Fruit is not a massive issue obviously.

And like Kamer says, there will always be different standards between families on all sorts of things. I do understand that.

crazycrofter - I once started a thread about our plans to send our daughter to the school on our neighbouring council estate (where none of the other kids on our not very green and leafy street go). I got lots of abuse and accusations of snobbery when I asked perfectly legitimate questions about her fitting in. For some reason, it's not allowed to talk about class/cultural difference without people assuming that you have some sort of superiority complex. So don't be too upset by the inevitable pasting you will get and have already started to get. That said, am sure Pixie's right about the fruit!

Thanks SnowieBear - that's really helpful. Maybe I have done the wrong thing with the crisps. You are right that they need to be themselves from day one. I think it's harder though if they have started half way through the school - it's difficult enough being the new girl, without being the 'different' new girl too.

Thanks Dotty, it's strange isn't it? Surely it's obvious that there are differences between groups of people? We are who we are - it's not that we are better, it's just that children notice differences and can be cruel.

I know all children are children Pixie, but she already feels different because she was given fruit not crisps!

I am definitely going to be careful not to judge, because this is not an attitude I want my kids to develop.

It's going to be hard joining in half way through the school year, I know... trust your instincts, you know your kids best and will do right by them. I hope they settle in soon!

Thanks everyone. Don't worry maryz, I haven't expressed any doubts to them - all Christmas holidays I have been going on about how many friends they will make! And actually my daughter seems to have made a couple of friends already.

I don't think we'll be having the horse riding nagging but I may be wrong! I did put an orange in her fruit bag this morning Pixie too, so it is there as an option, but she has already said that she will eat it at home.

Thanks for the encouragement SnowieBear - I actually feel quite tearful myself when I think back to how hard it is to be a new girl!!

I've just pulled my ds2 out of a school where he wasn't 'fitting in' It's in a reasonable catchmment area, but a very working class region and most of the other boys in the class were badly behaved and ds2 started having problems.

He now attends a Catholic primary (We're Christians, but not Catholic) and it's so much better.

We did the same with ds1 by pulling him out of his Secondary School after only 4 weeks of being there. He's now at a Catholic secondary and the children are so much nicer, better behaved, have healthy packed lunches etc. He fits in so much better there too.

Don't start giving them unhealthy foods just so she fits in though. Just stick to the fruit and your beliefs/principles etc. or it's just the slippery slope. How many other standards will you allow to slip just so that she 'fits in'? It's important not to stand out too much, but there are limits.

My DS year 1, goes to his local school which is said to be in a deprived area - one in which I of course live in! I find that children seem very accepting of each other at his age. Your children are so young maybe it is the size of the school that is daunting rather than the children? I may be wrong as my ds has never been to a private school so knows no different.
As I say the children seem accepting of each other..parents on the other hand.. cliques do develop in the playground with the grown ups!

Children can and do make fun of others if they have anything that's seen as odd or different in their packed lunches - after starting at a UK primary, both my DCs went through a phase of not wanting their usual favourite packed lunches involving rice and seaweed (we used to live in Japan) because their British classmates said they looked yucky. This was in a fairly ethnically diverse primary school in a very middle class area, FWIW.

However, once they had both settled into school, made friends and had a lot more confidence, they were happy for me to put foods they actually liked eating in their lunchboxes again. Maybe you should compromise a little for a while, then once your DCs feel accepted, gradually revert to normal.

Thanks exexpat, that's what I wanted to hear! I had pretty much decided I would do that with the lunchboxes, until they felt more settled.

About the fruit. Most schools in 'deprived' areas get free fruit as part of a government scheme (healthy eating, I think?) so don't understand the problem.

yes, that's true - they do get fruit at playtime, so I suppose I don't necessarily need to give it at lunch!

My question was really about fitting in generally!

I think you will notice a difference due to them previously being at a private school.

We had the healthy eating issue at our very middle class school. My dd felt left out because lots of kids had crisps and KitKats and said yuck! a lot to the contents of my dd's lunchbox.

There was no way I was giving my child a packet of crisps & a bar of Kit Kat every day for her lunch, so I put her on school dinners, where the food was healthy and balanced and no one would be picked on for having something different.