Help requested with behaviour/friendship issue at school with 5yr DS

[samels001]

Hi, I have a situation with DS at school and would really welcome some great MN advice on how best to deal with it as I am quite direct and this does not seem to be welcome at school. In brief, DS started last Jan in Reception - he is late-summer-born and we felt he was not mature enough to start school in the previous Sept. He was the only child to defer, but he quickly made friends with another boy who was one of the oldest in the class. This boy is sadly quite spiteful and hurts DS. DS is not perfect - in fact DH & I are just starting to think there are some underlying issues (possible PDA?). DS has hurt other children and does not seem to be aware that this behaviour is not OK. School are quite hard on him and tend to treat every incident as if he has started it unilaterally, so I feel it is 1-sided. I have been up at school quite a lot at their request to discuss these incidents. This pattern has continued for the last year and I have already had 3 incidents in the 1st 3 days back this year! DS is on School Action so the SENCO is involved. I tend to believe that boys do "rough & tumble", so don't want to complain about every minor thing, but how can I get school to see that I am not knocking this boy whilst believing DS is an angel, but that I want DS to not come home hurt from school most days by the same child. Thank you for reading this far!

Sorry to hear you aree having a hard time. What is he on senco and school action for?
What do the school say?

Hi OLI, thank you for your post. He was put on School Action at the end of Reception Year for literacy, numeracy and behaviour (incidents as above), as he is in supported groups for all of those. He is a bright boy, hence our growing concern that there may be more to this than bad behaviour or parenting! We meet monthly with the school who feel that the strategies they are using are working. They have explained that they cannot discuss every incident with me as that is all they would do all day long but they seem quick to put incidents in the book when DS has (supposedly) started it but when he is hurt there never seems to be an adult about to see. DS loves school (and before that nursery) but definitely now finds the social side almost impossible to navigate through without incident.

it's hard isn't it?

we had a similar situation with ds1 where the school were "keeping an eye on him" due to some previous aggressive behaviour

it had the result that he was picked up on every single little thing he did, regardless of whether or not he had started it.
I thikn there is plenty of rough and tumble at school, which for the most part goes unnoticed or just gets an "x stop that" or whatever.
but when they are being watched particularly it seems that they get pulled up harshly for everyhting and it must seem unfair as other children do the same stuff and it goes unnoticed because they aren't being watched so closely.

I think in your situation i would speak to the teacher, and if that doesn't work then arrange a meeting with the head.

BE direct, even if they don't like it. explain that you're aware your ds has hurt children and that yo're happy SENCO is involved etc etc, but that he is being hurt by another child and it isn't acceptable and you expect something to be done about it

Hi thisisyesterday, thank you for sharing your situation. It sounds very very similar. I hope your ds1 is now doing better.
I have raised these "fairness" concerns at an earlier meeting which was attended by teacher, SENCO, and HT. It seems to be the comment which makes them bristle the most (and that is not my intention). I have also asked that somehow the 2 boys be separated at playtime due to the constant number of incidents. The school clearly believe that they are doing their best. I guess I am task focussed and feel that despite the effort there is no result yet or sign of improvement. It is very useful to know though that other people have had similar situations and what they have done to improve the situation. Thank you.

If the kids are not being supervised properly at playtime I would consider moving schools.

My DS does have SN and like you said his old school used that as an excuse for everything.

By the time he got to year 4 I was sick of it and we moved to the other local school and I can't believe the difference. One of the main riffs being they are properly supervised at playtime.

My only regret is that I didn't move him years earlier. There is no excuse for playtimes to be a war zone.

hi samels, i am lucky I think that ds1's teacher now is fairly pro-active and very good at keeping an eye on him without being overly picky. rough and tumble is tolerated unless someone is getting carried away or someone is actually going to get hurt

at the end of the day all children have a right to be able to go to school without getting hurt and your son's school are not making sure this happens.
I would maybe ask for a short meeting with his class teacher and just say you're very unhappy that he is still being hurt most days by a particular child and you want to know exactly what will be done to stop this happening again

if it still doesn't stop then personally I would have no qualms in pulling him out until they sort it. obviousoly I realise this depends on your situation though, i am a sahm so could easily do so.
and I would tell them that I would be taking the matter to the governors if they cannot ensure your child is safe at school

they need to realise that this is actually a separate issue to any SN your child has. it's a problem and it needs to be dealt with.