Dreading new term - what can I do? (long, sorry)

[icantbelieveimnotbitter]

Want to put this up for discussion as i've gone round and round it in my head and can't decide if it's a storm in a teacup, or a bigger issue.

DD (yr 2) has been having difficulty with her classmates at playtime since yr 1. She is very confident, articulate, loud and a litte eccentric if i'm honest. She's been coming home saying she's fallen out with so and so all last term and I just let it go thinking it was all normal school playground behaviour.

However, in November she must have had a particular fall out with who I thought was a good friend as her mother became involved and approached me in the playground. The teacher became involved and spoke to DD and the other girls who then (according to dd) all ganged up against her. This mother has since had all the girls round for tea separately except dd..charming.

Her behaviour at home has deteriorated to the point where if you challenge her over anything and say no to something, she has a complete meltdown. She says things like 'everyone hates me, everyone picks on me, I hate my life', even doing so when her cousin had a normal fall out with her during a game over xmas. (I witnessed it, so I know DD was over reacting). It's affecting everyone in the family.
Her teacher says she gets on with everyone and i've witnessed her friends greeting her nicely in the morning. She never says 'I don't want to go to school'.

So...Is she playing me for a reaction? Is this normal 7yr old girl behaviour? What can I do. I feel like the more attention I give it the worse it gets. But if I ignore it then what if she's genuinely bothered by something. She is very intelligent by the way and understands situations far beyond her years. I'm at a loss and feel like this is the first proper emotional challenge of motherhood and i'm bloody floundering. [embarrassed]

Sorry for the essay. Off to bed soon so will check back in am, just wanted to get it out there.

It sounds like she has got into a cycle of negative thinking about this issue.

Tell her to play with another specific child in the class. Invite them around for tea. Encourage other friendships. Lastly make an appointment and tell her classteacher all of this.

Is there another class in the year group? Perhaps she could swap classes if it really is a problem.

Can you have the other friends home for tea at yours early in the term and see if that helps get everyone back together after a decent break from each other over Christmas?

Cece - thanks for quick post.
Yep she has other friends in the class who i've encouraged her to play with and invited home for tea.
The class splits into two next year and i could request she's separated but there are two terms to go of this year first.
I also think it's a cycle of negative thinking but I have no idea how to reverse it while trying not to make it a bigger issue. I need to work out a strategy but not sure how to go about it.

the teacher knows about it and said 'she knows which buttons to push with you' and also that her popularity issues 'are in her head as she gets on with everyone'.

I don't think it's pushing buttons particulary as i'm pretty strict and usually don't fall for obvious attention seeking. Also we've caught her telling fibs regularly so it's hard to keep going into the school if i don't know what the truth is, or if she's just blowing it all out of proportion in her head.

I guess the fact that she thinks there's a problem is the problem iykwim

Definitely request her to be separated from the main perpetrators.

Get a class list and go down the list. Ask her if child a hates her? and so on. The problem will be with just a small group I suspect. The look at the list together and choose one or two people she could try to play with and then invite them home. It would help if they have a nice parent who is kind and will encourage your daughter's friendship.

Don't discount boys.

Get her to join something like Rainbows away from this group fo girls. Martial arts can help build confidence for instance.

And honestly speak to the teacher. They might be thinking it was all sorted out and not aware of what is going on if it is at playtime.

I did think of martial arts, my dsis tells me its more about learning a state of mind rather than physical stuff at this age - is that true? Also she does already go to Brownies with the friend i'm encouraging, which is great and the others can't start until they're seven which is later in the year.

I was going to ask her to be classed with this friend next year, but not ask about separation from this others as i felt it would be too demanding. I should probably re-consider this.

I feel sick hearing her say 'i hate my life' and I just want to get into her head and make her see it's a great life. If only it was that easy.. surely this should be the post from a mother of a teenager, not a seven year old

got to go to bed, will check in tomorrow, thanks again

My DCs go to a school that mixes the classes up every year. This means that each year they have a new (well partly new) set of children to play with. They seem to have a policy of splitting best friends too if they can.

This happens from end of YR to Y2. Then they get remixed again for year 3 and they stay that way till year 6.

It is fab. They learn to be sociable and get on with lots of children. And if there is a clash of personalities then you know they will be split up the following year. DS1 had a problem with one of his good friends and they fell out. This year they are not in the same class. The time apart means that they now sometimes play together again.

Our school does this too, which will be a blessing next year. Just need to give her the tools to deal with it for the rest of this year which is a looong time for a child.

Dh and I will need to carry on reinforcing the positives I think. Definately think the class list thing is a great idea also, will try that, thanks.

When the mother spoke to you about your DD in November what did she say had happened?

Sometimes you need to really delve to get info out of a child - especially about school or anxieties they have.

Spend a bit of time asking her what's going on, you might find out what she is thinking.

Good luck.

I think you're right pixie. They know it gets a reaction when they say stuff like that. I can't believe that DS2 really wanted to die the day before Christmas Eve! !

I think I might be a bit wary of the class list thing. Pr if I did it, I think I might say "what dobyounlike about this person?" or something like that , rather than "does this person hate you?" Focus on the positive about the others and on your ds's reaction. You have a pretty good chance of judging the authenticity of her feelings- you can't be sure of her judgement of other people's reaction to her. IYSWIM.

Been away for a couple of days, so couldn't get on here.

Thanks for the responses,

pixie - I too was wondering if it was an 'ooh, this gets a good reaction' thing. I have to admit I am a bit of a ' DD, that's a terrible thing to say' and then give her a lot of attention trying to get to the bottom of why she said it.

We have chatted about lots of her classmates in a roundabout way and I really do think it is just one or two girls in her class and if it was really that bad she wouldn't want to go to school at all.

Acanthus - how old is your DS? Thanks for telling me that, it's really reassuring to know that it's normal for children to be so dramatic. So did you ignore it? Can I ask what the context was?