is it ever appropriate to speak directly to the child who is bullying your child?

[harpsichordcarrier]

I haven't come across this situation before, so would welcome some advice.
my dd (y3) is being bullied by a girl in y4. Namecalling, shoving, ostracising, that kind of thing. DD becoming very upset by this, almosy every night. DD not a particularly sensitive child, loves school, but definitely a problem for her confidence and happiness.
I spoke to the teacher this morning, who didn't really give any response except to say that dd hadn't mentioned it to her. I am due to pick dd up from school; if I was to see the child in question, would it be ever appropriate to ask her to stop behaving in this way towards dd?
obviously I am not talking about intimidating her, but just a quiet word about her behaviour.
thoughts welcome

I would speak to the parents and see how that goes. I would be wary of speaking to the child initially, but would certainly resort to that if nothing else was working.

Would there be an opportunity to have a "loud" conversation with your DD while the older girl was in earshot? Something like "well if it happens again I will speak to her parents and to her teacher and we will get this sorted out" then a rather obvious stare over at the girl! Sounds childish I know but might be enough for her to get the message you mean business!

My dd was having a problem with a horror boy in her class - the school didnt do anything about it - I approached the mother in the playground - we chatted very calmly - she spoke to the boy and everything was hunky dorey - or so I thought - until I got a call from the school that afternoon - apparently they were both distressed that I had approached them?!?!? - I certainly hadnt noticed it?!?!?!
Anyway, it did the trick and he left her alone after that!!

The school rapped my knuckes and said dont do it again!!

The trouble is you have your DD's version of events which you, of course, believe implicitly.But the other child may well tell a completely different story to her parents and like you, she will believe her own DD.It is really best to go through the school who are 'neutral' and can be objective about the whole thing.

DO NOT APPROACH THE CHILD DIRECTLY AND ESPECIALLY NOT ON SCHOOL PREMISES

It depends on the child. I have found the most effective way to get the school to do something is to ask for a three-way meeting with them, you and the bully's parents. The time I asked for this the teacher sorted it out straightaway by telling the bullies to stop.

I agree with pantomimecow as this did happen to me in reverse and it was thoroughly unpleaseant and unfair on my DD.

I didn't report her to the school on that occasion but I would have no hesitation in doing so again if she does it again. Just for a moment imagine if someone approached your DD in the playground to tell her off, how would you feel about it.

It's not worth it.

Notevenamouse Wed 01-Dec-10 11:40:30
She may say you were intimidating and you couldn't

i would agree my friend is going trough this at the moment her son it seems has been bullying a child but... the father grabbed him by the neck and squeezed so hard it gave him a nose bleed he is six........now i am not condoning lo bulling i think he should have been punished but buy the school and the adults should have talked ......the up shot is the school called the police as a teacher saw the boys father has been banned from the school he had to remove his son as he is the main carer as his wife works and my friends lo has got away Scott free and the other boys issues was totally lost

and to be honest the whole thing just got very messy

go to the school with this

Inappropriate.
I still remember with horror being approached, at the age of 9, by a parent who accused me of bullying her child. I was terrified, convinced I was blameless and ran straight back in to school to get a teachers protection.

With hindsight, I probably had been nasty to her child some weeks previous, but the (very specific) name calling she was accusing me of had NOTHING to do with her daughter and everything to do with my reading out in assembly a poem her child had taken offence at.

There is an implicit imbalance of power in an adult approaching a child in this situation so I would never do it. It's got to be either child to child or adult to adult. Intervening in an immediate situation, for example to stop one child hitting another is different and appropriate.

After putting up with a year of her ds being bullied and the school being woefully inadequate my sister approached the child after the child even dared to have a go at my sister, she gave him quite a firm telling off, she may even have threatened him. Parent found out and approached my sis in the playground - my sis then went on to list very very loudly what the bully had been up to for over a year - eventually the mum apologised and the situation was sorted.

I hasten to add my sis was at the end of her tether - her child's self esteem was plummeting.

I wouldn't say it's the best way to go and neither would she but after a year of seeing her child become progressively more damaged by this child she didn't care about the consequences she wanted it sorted!

Easiest if you see something happen, and stay very polite and contained. I saw some Y2 girls pushing my Y1 dd around last term, making her cry, and just said 'that wasn't very nice, was it, you need to be more thoughtful than that I think' and they never did it again. It was enough for them to know I'd noticed. I also made a point of being friendly and smiley with them next time I saw them (they were buying from the PTA stall and looked shocked to see the lady who had told them off selling the things they wanted to buy!).

That was an easy one, though. Very young children, and not sneaky bullying.

I would also, fwiw, suggest to dd that she talk to the teacher and discuss what she might say? I've also found that a quick role play of things to say to bullying children has helped both my dds...both internally, iyswim, and in action.

Its horrid, hope it all works out one way or t'other.

I think a few carefully chosen words in the bullys direction, with eye contact may help. Did this with my daughter and worked.
I would keep on at school if you are not happy

Its tempting but it will backfire,nobody likes to think of another adult telling off their kid and the child will exaggerate in most cases.My dd was told off by another parent last week when she was bringing them home from dancing.She told her not to talk about her new baby due in 8 wks as it would upset her daughter.I have since spoken to the mum and she said that her daughter has been asking for a baby and she didnt want her upset,I told her that she better not share liftes anymore as dd would be further talking about it when the baby is born.Inccidently she has 2 dd and my dd has been an only child all her life baby very unexpected and much wanted so i make no apology for her excitement.
Ask the school for acopy of the bullying policy and ask them how they intend to handle this situation.

ledkr, wow aren't people weird!
The best way to approach this would be to say to the child either 'it is sad that we can't have another baby but that's the way it is etc.' Or ' Dad and I are very happy with the DDs we have' Not have a go at the kid who is about to get a new Bro or sis. No matter how sad her history you don't tell a child off for being excited about that, she sounds like a loon.

Back to the OP I would not approach the child unless I witnessed an incident.

Oh I have a whole thread on this very subject - not sure if searchable.

My DD is Y6 and she and fellow classmates have been bullied since Y4 by a particular girl and her cronies. DD was getting ill with stress about it and missing school - school failed across 2 terms of discussion to deal with it effectively and so I spoke to the girl directly as I had had enough. Totally not my way of doing things normally but all other avenues failing.

It all blew up hugely as the mother of said child is a raving loon and came banging on my door and threatening me and to steal my baby! Police involved, etc.

This was from a woman who does not look in the least like the sort of woman to lose it completely, but lose it she did.

However, after this loads of parents came out of the woodwork and it just so happened that in the same week some horrendous FB bullying by said girl was discovered so school were forced to act. Whole raft of solutions implemented.

Fast forward to new academic year (this was around June last year) now and DD experiences no bullying and mostly the situation in general is under control at school.

Make of that what you will! Sorry for your DD.

Never say a word. Let the school deal with it.

fingandjeffing My dd has wanted a baby for yrs and i was very comfortable in explaining why this would never happen-too old and had had chemo-lots of her friends had new siblings and i helped and showed her how to be gracious and got her a pet.How will they learn to do that with out experiences.Some of my mates have better figures than me or more money its one of lifes lessons.
When they are older its ok to speak to the kids.My son aged 15 was getting bullied alot at school by agroup of girls would you believe it was particularly spitefull(he has mild cerebal p) i collected him form school as requested as he had a "bumped head" he actually had a nasty head injury from one of these little cows pushing him over,the school didnt seem to care so i drove him to the girls house and showed the mother,explaining that i bought my sons up not to hit women so that should her daughter go any where near him again i would be calling the police. I must admit i was fairly aggressive but it worked.They are about 22 now and she still smiles nervously at me haha

I have, it worked and I would do it again