4 year old with no 'special' friend at school?

[freebster]

Just wondering if any other parents or even teachers have advice for me please? Sorry, I might waffle emotionally for a bit!
My 4 year old DD is in reception class and is always upset and clingy when I leave her at school. She is happy to go to school and seems to be enjoying the learning aspects when she is there but is painfully shy and quiet with other children, much preferring the security of adult company. Apparantly she spends playtimes walking round with staff and is very reluctant to play with her class mates. The thought of her being lonely breaks my heart.
I had a chat with her teacher at home time today to see if we could do anything to help her. The teacher was quite dismissive, said my DD is a lovely girl but the other children all have 'special friends' and are alot more self assured than her. Apparantly she us the only child in this situation and the teacher couldn't really offer any help of reassurance.

I'm afraid I ended up in tears, made a fool of myself and left feeling no better atall.
Anyone else had similar problems or have any words of wisdom?

She sounds normal to me.

She's only just started full time school, presumably, of course she's just finding her feet. The teacher didn't do a very good job of reassuring you but perhaps s/he wasn't understanding that it's as big a deal for you as it is - and it really isn't a big deal, in the grand scheme of things. Maybe the teacher was trying to play it down to make you feel better - unfortunately it seems as if s/he made you feel worse!

Also at this time of year they're all knackered at that age. And maybe your dd is taking time to find her feet. In the meantime, can you arrange with other parents to go to the park for half an hour after school (while it's not freezing)) and then build up to a couple of playdates? You have to be proactive outside school to get children to engage with each other inside school.

I'm really surprised the teacher said that. It is such early days to have made 'special' friends. Not every child settles happily straight away at school. I remember the trauma of the first term when ds had to find a partner for PE, and if he didn't get the person he wanted he was terribly upset. We actually moved away with work for a few months, but I think had he stayed he would eventually have found his feet - I think it can take up to a year. From my memory starting primary school I didn't have a 'best' friend until the second year.

My ds was like this last year, during reception year he became more keen to play before school rather than staying with me and started mentioning other childrens names. We did the whole 'invite so and so over for tea thing' and now, in yr1, he seems much more settled and has a few friends, but still no special friend ( i dont think that is a bad thing tho) Ive just dropped him at a friends for tea and he is fine. I think it takes some children a while to settle in, but they seem to warm up eventually!!

Try not to worry about it yet, she is only 4. Some children take ages to warm to school and form any firndships. By yr2 she will be an accepted member of her class with friends.

Agree most children in reception haven't made a bff yet and they change friends as often as they change their socks sometimes.

Thanks for the reassurance, I know I probably need to relax about it all. I was just so shocked that the teacher seemed to think she needs a best friend at age 4! Have asked DD if she would like to have a friend home for tea and she said she will try and think of someone!
Will hopefully look back at this post in a few months and wonder why I was so bothered!!

I think the teacher should be encouraging the children to act as a group and support each other rather than enforcing the 'special friends' thing really.

I have to say that I take the opposite view to your dd's teacher and positively encourage and support the children in my class to develop friendships with a wide range of children both in their own class, and others.

I think that exclusive friendships can be extremely tricky, particularly between girls as they tend to fall out easily, and this leads to upset and friction.

I think you need to go back to the teacher again and ask her how she is going to support your dd to develop friendships. This is a huge part of the Reception year work as far as I'm concerned.

Maybe try asking a friend for tea so that she gets to play with them on her. Do you know any of the other parents to ask, if she can't decide on anyone?

Do you know any of the other girl's mums? If there are some who seem particularly nice, why not talk to them, explain your DD would like to make friends but doesn't know how and you'd like to invite their DD for a playdate? They might just drop a hint to their self-assured child to be kind - and children can be kind, some are quite motherly even.

I'm at the teacher's attitude - they should encourage group games at playtime surely. I'm not sure I believe that they are all neatly paired with a 'special friend' - you can't play tag with two, can you? You can't play mummies and daddies without some others to be the children. It may be there are group games going on but your DD doesn't know how to join in and the other kids simply don't know she wants to.

Heres a thought - some schools use 'buddies' - an older child who helps the little one socialise. I don't have direct experience but someone else here may know more.

Dd was painfully shy in reception and after Xmas it got worse as the couple of friends she had by then branched out. I talked to her teacher and she worked on it with dd - in class and in the playground - role playing how to initiate/join play etc. I was pleased with her teacher's attitude - she took it seriously as something to work on. But another friend of mine with a ds in the same boat got no support from his teacher - so it must vary a lot.

We did some role-playing with dd's toys at home too - perhaps you could try that. And ask her if there is anyone she would like to play with after school and invite them. The mother of one of dd's now best friends did this with us - invited dd (and me - dd was much too shy to go alone) even though my dd was very clear that X was not her friend! One on one it was fine and they are the best of friends still a year on.

I remember being pretty upset about it at the time. Things really turned around in the summer term though.

I guess patience is the key then, and initiating some play dates. A friend who is a teacher was also suprised at the teacher's attitude.
Thanks for all the help, I love mumsnet!!

Do schools still do a second entry in January?

If so I would talk to your DD about how the new children might be feeling shy because they're new, and how it would be nice if she could look after them a bit and make them feel welcome e.g. inviting them to play with her or helping show them where things are.

I can still remember bits of my first day at reception class. A girl called Alice asked me to play, and that was it, we were best friends for the rest of the infants

My niece was the same...she is now in year three and it took till the end of year 2 before she slotted in...she is quiet and always will be but she has one special friend.

my own DD was quiet and shy too but now she is 6 she is muchmore outgoing and has three best friends.

organise sme playdates after school...the experience of visiting homes really bonds them.