Play dates with non-parents?

[MammyT]

My DD has just started Reception. Though she seems to have made friends easily, she hasn't been invited to any after-school play dates. I've heard that one parent collects two children, the other parent picks up after tea and then there's a return play date.

However I work most days and have a minder collecting my child. Would you invite a child like my DD or do you prefer to invite those who have a mother in situ for the return date?

Hi, I am a childminder and sometimes the children I mind go to play at friends. You may find though that because the other parents dont see you they're not sure how to invite. Why dont you start it off by letting your DD invite a friend over for a few hours at the weekend. Write a note for her to give to friends parent.

Needtogetalife - thanks for that, it's good to hear your mindees do get asked to playdates. I am at the school one day a week so could nab a parent then; however everyone seems to know everyone else at our school (Playground politics, eh?!)

I asked one family around at half term which was fun but haven't had a return invite yet (early days I know).

My dd has just started Reception, too, and has been on a number of playdates. For me, they are primarily about her deepening any potential friendships, not about reciprocity, and I absolutely would invite a child even if I knew a return invite was unlikely. I have email addresses for all the class parents so would make contact that way.

I invite children that my DC want to come round!! I don't expect an invite back (although they are appreciated). I do however worry that a parent who has never met me might be concerned about their child coming round to play.

Hi, I started off by inviting my DD's friends from school round on Saturdays and quickly found that there are plenty of Mums who work (like I do). I would start off by doing this and the return invites will come soon enough.

Whenever you do end up with a day off during the week, take the opportunity to invite a friend over then too. It takes time for all the play dates to get going and I guess it's fair to say that it takes effort too but if you get the ball rolling you'll both be fine and before you know it your DD will have a fantastic social life!

My DD (now age 7) gets plenty of invites but I am pretty sure that is partly because we do a fair bit of inviting too!

I'm happy to invite who my son wants round ( within reason :) ) Happy if reciprocated but doesn't bother me if not. DS is only child so craves company!!! I do reassure parents if issuing a 2nd invitation etc to ours that we are grateful for their child's company and we're happy if it's only one way as sometimes they have way more children, work commitments etc that it is a lot easier for us to invite.

I'll be honest here - I'm more proactive in getting DD's friends over if I know there's a chance of a reciprocal playdates. At the other end of the scale I would sooner ask a WOHM who does school pick-up if she would have DD if I needed to work late, rather than one of the SAHMs, as then I can pay her back, makes me feel less of a sponger.

But that's MY angle on things - if DD wants to invite a particular friend over, I'm not fussed whether there's going to be any reciprocation or not, just glad she will have some company, and I might get relative peace and quiet for a little while after school.

One thing I found really useful in Reception is that one mum (one of the ones with twins, so she could legitimately cover both classes) organised a contact list. Entirely up to individuals whether they included their details - some didn't, and some only included limited details. The school can't organise it, but nothing to stop parents doing it, if you make it clear how it will be used. I'd recommend suggesting people indicate their preferred method of contact, as I would love to have known up front who actually reads and responds to texts and emails, and who I have to actually speak to on the phone!

I've been a working mum and am now a SAHM - I'll invite whoever my kids want to play and am not at all bothered if they aren't invited back because parents work, or it just isn't possible for whatever reason, but I won't be used as free childcare if that makes sense.

I don't want to "make it a regular thing every Tuesday because your daughter loves coming here so much" (and you can cancel after school club that day), I'm not your nanny so phoning to say "you've got stuck at the office" is not ok - the after school club shuts at 6 and if you weren't there your child would be waiting outside with a very pissed off member of staff and you would be charged for every 5 minutes you are late, and no, I'm not getting all my kids in the car so I can drop yours home and save you the trip - the deal always was you pick her up. Obviously in case of a real crisis none of the above apply because I'm actually a nice human being and I will help you out when necessary like I would any of my friends (Disclaimer - there were quite a few freeloading working parents at our last school!).

The year is still fairly new, and lots of people won't know each other well yet. I am a SAHM and initially most of dd's playtimes were with children of mums I knew well - mainly because my dd was very shy and sensitive and wouldn't have been comfortable going home with someone she didn't know well. Having said that, we are now a year further on and one of my dd's closest friends goes to afterschool club every day as her mum works full time. If we organise it in advance she skips afterschool club for a day to come to us, then my dd tends to go to their house on Saturday morning. It is not rigidly reciprocal, but it works well enough. I think if you are not at school as often as some, then it is harder to get into the rounds of playdates, but if you take the initiative and invite a few round, I'm sure the invitations will come.

We have a huge Lego collection.
Funnily enough most of the play dates are here.

Thanks to everyone for the honest comments. I feel pretty relieved tbh.

Sunnydelight - that's too much I agree but our childcare is paid for whether it's used or not so wouldn't apply (unless of course, she got caught in traffic.

Talkinpeace - Lego!! Must get more ;)

OP
You have to remember that the reciprocal thing is very adult.
I was a latch key kid from age 7. I went round to friends LOADS for days and weekends as my mum worked full time.
I am now lucky enough to pay that back. I am the mum who provides open house on inset days and takes kids to school whose parents have to be elsewhere early.
I view it as paying back the perks I got 40 years ago.
With no guilt. A houseful is a wonderful thing.
5 of them playing scrabble in front of the fire for an hour - splendid!

We haven't gone down the play date route at all yet with school mates - my ds has been in reception since September too. I work full time and my husband is SAHD - sorry to hijack but just out of interest...would you be happy about your dc going back with a dad? DH doesn't really do the whole school playground chat and I think it might impact on DS's play date invites.

OP, I do think it's early days though - I know my ds is only just finding his feet with friendships. Are you sure the mums you've seen doing reciprocal playdates didn't know each other already?

My ds1 is in reception and hasn't been on any playdates (nor have we invited over). I had a few kids over in the summer when it was ok to go in the garden, and they were only on half day so they could come for lunch. The kids seem so tired after school that I was going to wait a bit longer, but maybe I've left it too long!

Its part of life that some parents are at work a lot...my DD is 6 and since reception she has enjoyed playdates with a child whose parents are both at work a lot.

I honestly don't mind at all...the Mum has had DD over once when she has had time, she can't help that she is usually in work and it does not bother DD or her friend. Weekends are for family really...so that's fine.

The parents have been vey kind to my DD in oher ways, once they took her on a big day out with their DD one Saturday...but I certainly would not expect that...to me it is nothing to do with return playdates...but that the kids are happy and can be together afterschool sometimes.

Its not smthing that would bother me BUT I dont let my children go on playdates with parents I dont know, so maybe these parents know each other as friends or from nursery.

Welcome to secondary - I don't even know the surnames of where DD is stopping off!!

On the being with dads thing. It depends on the dad. My OH is well known locally (and nationally) for having interesting science things out and about. DS and DDs friends usually cannot wait for me to pop out shopping!

BUT
My main point was that there is no immediacy in the "payback". Do what you can with a good spirit and your children will understand. I knew my mum had to work. I knew other people's mums didn't. She was always honest with me and it was never an issue. We were skint - I saw the bank statements so that I did not ask for what could not be.
BUT when she got a cushy job with perks in the west end, all the money in the world could not have provided the treats my best friends and I had.