Dds teacher is so reluctant to speak to me. Need coaching on what to say tomorrow.

[YunoWhatYouDidLastSummer]

My dd is 4.
We are outside the UK.
She goes to a private school (no state system here)
She is in KG2, which I think is the same as Reception.

So, she started at the school last September. She is very happy there. She loves her teacher.

I find her teacher very inaccessable. She has been very clear right from day one that she will not speak to parents at drop off, and prefers not to at pick up either (sent an email before the start of term stating this). She keeps her classroom door closed and lets the children out one by one as she sees the parents arrive to collect. She does say that she is always accessable by email. I have not really found this to be the case - I have had cause to email her 4 times since the start of term. 3 times she has not answered, and the 4th time she addressed half the email and ignored the rest.

So, parent / teacher interviews are tomorrow. We get a 10 minute slot each. When we recieved the email about these I also got a generic "your child is doing fine. There is no need to come to parent / teacher interviews" email from the teacher. I booked a slot anyway.

I don't think I am being over fussy - my 4yo has been at school for 6 weeks and I have yet to hear a squeak about how she is doing. Plus, we are moving to another city next year and I want to know from her teacher anything that might help ease the transition to another school.

But THEN teacher cornered me at pick-up (first time ever) to say that she really had nothing to discuss about my daughter and she is doing okay, and did I really want the slot?

It's not that they are oversubscribed. I looked at the list and there are loads of free slots.

I said I did want the slot.

But now I think I am going to arrive tomorrow and teacher will say "so, she's doing okay. Anything else?"

I feel she is being a bit obstructive.

Give me some pointers, questions, ideas to get the most out of the only 10 minutes I will get to spend with my daughter's teacher this semester.

By all means tell me if you think I am being silly and should cancel the session. I really feel though, that occasional contact between teacher and parent is helpful. She looks after my daughter for 26 hours a week. Am I being unreasonable to want to know how dd is doing, even though I sort of know she is doing fine?

You are not being silly - that is so weird!

Can you ask questions that she has to givce longer answers to?
Start with 'I know you say she is doing fine, but she doesnt tell me much of what happens at school and so I have absolutely no idea about what she has been doing these past 6 weeks!'
Then explain about wanting info to help transition her into a move etc
Ask how she is getting on socially - does she have friends?
How does she compare academically with the targets they will have for children her age? what are her weak points/stromg points?
Is there anything you can be doing/focusing on to help DD at home?

That sounds totally bizarre! My DSs teachers at that stage could equally have just emailed "he's doing fine, no need to speak" but never did - the point was to talk about it, develop at least a surface level relationship with each other, etc.

You could try asking things like -

What subjects does she like most / do best in?

What subjects does she struggle with?

What can I do at home to help with that?

How does she get on with the other children?

You pay for this service? What country are you in???????

I agree it sounds horribly obstructive

I asked things like
How can we work with him to ensure we are giving a cohesive approach?

Is he learning at the 'expected' rate or do we need to focus on anything extra?

Has he settled well?

Does he listen well?- We had a boy who thought he was in charge

I just think it is horrid that they dont want you involved in anyway and for you to not be aware or what is going on! They have your DD for 6 hours a day, surely there are updates for you??????????

Ask:

How is she getting on socially?

Are there any particular friends she enjoys spending time with?

What can you tell me about her problem solving skills/what opportunities does she have for problem solving or investigations?

What is she doing particularly well at?

Is there anything more we could be doing at home.

Actually, I would also be quite frank and say that you find the lack of information and contact quite disconcerting.

I am a Reception teacher, and do the following things:

Come out on the playground every morning so parents can grab me with quick messages.

Come out on the playground every afternoon when the children go home so that parents can have a quick word.

Send out weekly newsletters, including lots of photos, to explain what we've been doing and letting them know what we'll be doing next week.

Send out weekly phonics sheets with details of any phonic work we've been doing, and how to support it at home.

Hang photographs of any outdoor/investigative/play on the fence where parents pick up, so that they can see exactly what we've been doing.

Try and update our online learning platform on a weekly basis with any websites we've been using, and great photos etc.

Have you tried talking to parents in other years to find out if all the teachers are as inaccessible as yours, or whether it's just your dd's teacher?

Sorry - that looks really hard to read - I wish I could have added bullet points!

Littlefish, how i WISH you were my son's teacher, you sound fantastic!

Teachers always want parents' input in order to get to know the child better. They like to know from the parent's that he enjoys school or has problems. I find that they always like discussing which friends they have made and how they cope socially. In our son's school even the headteacher and deputy are every morning around and you can always talk to them. THIS IS REALLY WEIRD!! Talk to the headteacher and ask what the school policy is about talking to the teacher.

I guess the meeting will be in the classroom, right? Ask questions about the setting, like how they have organised the class i.e. "is this their play area? What do they do in this corner over there? Is it their reading corner". I guess she won't just give yes/no answers.

I dont know how the education system works in your country but if this was in the uk I would be quite concerned. If you dont have any luck with the sugestions you have been given I would contact the head and say that you are glad that you child is doing fine but as a parent you need more information.

Thank you geraldinetheluckygoat. My dd is only in Yr 1, and I try and make sure that I treat the Reception parents the way I would like to have been treated. Unfortunately it wasn't that way at dd's school, which makes me even more determined to get it right for the parents of my class, to prove to myself that it can be done!

Thank you so much for the suggestions. There is plenty to usefully talk about tomorrow. I shall have another read tomorrow morning.

Some people have suggested questions that I actually do particularly want to know the answers to, but hadn't thought of asking.

Thanks also for the reassurance that it is a bit odd and obstructive. I think that it would be fair to say she is a good teacher but a lousy parent communicator.

Perhaps she finds that she has to be really strict about keeping parents at arms length or she risks spending all her time sorting out the parents instead of the children? It could happen where we are - lots of VERY pushy parents, and 4yos doing additional work with a tutor is the norm (though not something I do!)

Dd is certainly very happy and likes her teacher very much, and is learning a lot and skips cheerfully off to school every morning.

Please do let us know what she does say!

This sounds wierd to me too and I am intrigued as to why she is behaving like this...

YunoWhatYouDidLastSummer - I too would be really upset if this was one of my dc's teachers. My youngest, also 4, is now in Reception. Her teacher is quite reserved, but both her and the teaching assistant are at the classroom doors morning and afternoon. We are encouraged not to actually come in the class (after the first few weeks of settling) but the double doors are always wide open so if there is something you actually want to briefly say, you can. I had loads of questions at my parent/teacher meeting which I wrote down so as not to forget and I did feel a lot better after, having a better picture of what dd is up to. Part of the problem is that at that age children only tell you a tiny bit of what they have been doing all day so it is hard to build a picture unless someone else tells you. Maybe your dd's teacher has no kids of her own and doesn't realise this? It is hard to "let go" of your child at the age of 4, and I think the feelings of sadness are compounded if the people who as you say are with them for so many hours, are so uncommunicative.
Littlefish, I too think you sound fantastic! All the things you do to keep parents involved and abreast of what is going on in your class are great, and I would love it if any of my kids' teachers did this, but especially the little one as parting from her still feels so raw. We do have a photo board with pics of the reception children and what they have been up to in the first few weeks of school but it is inside and you only get to see it by accident if you are going to the lost property boxes???? I'm sure most parents don't even know of its existence. I would LOVE to have a sheet at the end of every week telling me roughly what had been going on with pictures - how do you find the time to do it? I think time is a real issue with such big classes, but at the same time each one of those children represents a whole family and it's important that they too know about, and feel happy with, the school that their child is at.
Sorry, seem to have gone on but dd is my third child and each time the whole sending them to reception but not really knowing what they are doing thing has made me feel so sad, so topic must have touched a nerve. And I don't mean that I want a blow by blow account, I would simply like a few pointers as to what activities and topics they have covered and the odd comment about my child as and when teacher or assistant sees fit.

The other thing that I wanted to ask YunoWhatYouDidLastSummer, is how do you tell your dd's teacher little things like - you have to come early to pick her up, or she can't do PE today as she is not feeling very well etc....?
I wish you all the best with your meeting anyway.

Arabella - it is quite time consuming doing the newsletter etc. but I try and do it before I go home on Thursday nights so that the Teaching Assistant can photocopy everything on Friday mornings. I think it's really important to keep parents informed and connected. The more information parents have about what's going on at school, and the more regularly you have conversations with them, the better it is for the children in the class.

I work part time, but I work really closely with my job-share partner. She leaves me notes of anything for the newsletter that has happened at the beginning of the week so that I can just include it on Thursdays.

Yuno - I work in a school which has really pushy parents (and I'm one myself!). I work on the basis that the more information I give parents, the happier and less stressed they will be, and therefore, in the long run, they will trust me to teach well. It is an intial investment of a great deal of time, which definitely pays dividends in the end.