arranging play date with au pair

[wakeupgetup]

Advice please! My ds is friendly with a boy in his class and wants to invite him home. I've tried arranging a play date with the au pair who comes to collect him, but she didn't really engage and muttered something about the parents needing to make the arrangements if they think its suitable. I pursued it a bit but she wasn't very interested and it's been left up in the air without her even taking my number. Find myself very annoyed with parents for not being good advocates for their son (unless they don't want him to play with our son) and upset for this little boy who always seems to me a bit sad.

Write out an invite and put it in his book bag.

What do you mean not being good advocates for their son?

Agree with write out the invite or ask her to give you the number of his parents so you can arrange it between yourselves.

I know that often au pairs don't feel confident about arranging playdates and she may not have even mentioned it to them. She might be worried that she'll be expected to have your DS on a reciprocal playdate and how she'll cope with having 2 boys. Equally she might think that if she arranges lots of playdates where she doesn't go the parents will think she's shirking her duties. Or the parents may have outright said that she's not allowed to make social arrangements for their son which puts her in a very awkward position.

Remember that au pairs aren't professional nannies and sometimes don't have a clue about what's 'normal' or not.

Just write a note inviting him, put your name and telephone number on it, and pass it on. The au pair can't make going to play decisions, and the parents aren't going to know who you are to say yes unless you make contact

well bigchris - not having his best interests at heart I suppose? The one time i've met the mother at a coffee morning she was aloof and spoke of her high powered career which seemed more important than her children. None of the other parents have ever seen her at the school gates in two years and while i don't begrudge her her work, feel for the children. Thanks Goblinchild, I might well take your advice after half term if i can get over the parents in the background making decisions about us. Would rather be told face to face that they don't want their child to play with ours than to be rejected at a distance! :)

Bit judgey there I think. You are making decisions about the parents without knowing them.
I once collected my DD from her Y1 class to hear another child yell
'See, I told you X's mam weren't dead'
I wasn't in a position to do the school run or attend activities either.

Whoa how do you know they don't want your children playing together?

For all you know they might be wringing their hands wondering why little Johnny doesn't have any playdates and not thinking to give instructions to the au pair to arrange some (who's probably deeply intimidated by everyone at the school gate anyway).

Some working mothers are very proactive about arranging things because they can't be there to do it - others kind of assume the childcarer will.

Its really hard as a working parent to manage these things - and you sound a bit judgey tbh. I tend to talk about my job when I'm nervous, and that is exactly what I'd be at a coffee morning full of mums who see each other every day, and who are counting how many times I can pick my child up. Maybe she saves every bit of leave so she has the holidays with her children ?

that is useful frakkinstein. Didn't think about the au pairs not being professional nannies and not being able to make to make decisions on their own. She just didn't seem enthusiastic and i thought if i was that child i'd want someone saying on my behalf at least something like "oh nice thought can i get back to you on that or let me take your number". My ds isn't johnny-no-friends by a long stretch as he has many play dates with other friends but when he was in nursery there was a similar situation with someone he particularly liked and although the au pair took my note we never heard anything more.

Yup I am a bit judgey.

Often Au-Pairs don't have very good English. And she doesn't really understand what you are saying but is too embarrassed to say so. (Or she doesn't even realise she doesn't understand what you are saying)

It took me a long time to realise my Au-Pair didn't understand half of what I was saying to her.... She would never let on.

(Au-Pairs traditionally come to England to learn English...)

Or......................Take a hint

Pmsl at kellyegg
maybe the poor working mother isn't keen for her ds to go round your house so you can say if your mum didn't work all day she too could bake cakes with you blah blah

A. The Au pair is English B. I will take a hint if they don't get back to me and C. I work hard myself and not at bake caking although there's nothing wrong with that. Anyway better get back to work but it's been fascinating ...

Au pair is therefore not an au pair (not that the term exists for anyone who isn't from Ronania or Bulgaria anyway as the au pair scheme was abolished a while ago). More likely a mother's help or a really crap nanny who isn't doing her job...

Either way I feel you need to take the initiative on this one and go parent-parent direct.

What is Bake Caking? I have to be honest OP I thought you were after a date with a hot looking Swedish Au Pair, I have to say you could only be commended on that score (you don't have her number do you?)

I knew a nanny like this. She was bloody hopeless and we would end up arranging tea dates either with the child himself or his parents, on the phone, at 9pm!

Then the nanny would come with the child (school age) and sit there like a wet dishrag drinking tea and needing entertaining herself. It was a shame because he was a lovely little boy (his mum was lovely too) but the nanny was a lump, and I think he lost out on a good few playdates because most of us found the nanny so hard to deal with.

Anyway OP, I second the suggestion ofthe note in the book bag, tell the child to pass it on to his parents, and get their number from the school list if you can. If needs be, harrass the au pair/nanny on a daily basis until she passes on the message for the parents to call you, ie they have called you.

Sorry Kellyegg - I was really looking for ds not me but either way this was the original prob no number so couldn't pass it on! Anyway not hot and not Swedish ... :)