is this bullying?

[sevenseas]

DD(8) in Yr 4 has an ongoing problem with a girl in her class. We arrived new to the school a year ago and DD has become one of a group of girls who generally get on well but sometimes fall out. One girl in particular tends to be quite nasty to DD - telling her she has no friends, saying things like her mum thinks she is an evil witch, that her (DD's) dad and I have split up (he works overseas). However she isn't always mean and can sometimes be quite friendly to her - it seems to depend on whether she feels in control of the group.

This girl sometimes manipulates the other girls into also being mean to my daughter, like today for instance when 4 of them apparently started picking on her calling her names, two others were sticking up for her and it almost turned into a fight - with the 4 trying to pull the 3 (including my DD) off the play equipment.

In addition, this girl has made a point of trying to turn DD's best friend against her - and, to my disappointment, she has largely succeeded. DD said that last week Friday the two of them were smirking at her in class - she said she just wanted to get on with her work but they were distracting her with their behaviour.

I have written to her teacher asking her to keep an eye on things but have had no response from her. Am going to parents evening this week and am wondering what I should say. DD said that today the teacher made a comment in the classroom that 'you girls need to leave each other alone', but is that enough?

Fortunately my daughter is fairly confident so whereas many girls would have been very upset by this behaviour she seems to cope. However she said to me tonight that when this girl talks to her it makes her feel sad and like she has no friends, so I think it is upsetting her and the cumulative effect of all the nonsense that has been going on cannot be good for her self esteem. But is it bullying or is it just girls being mean?

Definitely speak to the class teacher. This is something she should be aware of and dealing with. (I work in a - very small - school and we have a very similar situation at the moment. The class teacher is working with all the girls involved to help them to get on better and improve their behaviour).

Thank you, I will talk to the teacher about it and see what she says.

I think it's a bit of both to be honest. Luckily your daughter seems sensible enough to try and get on with her work.

I'd keep talking to your daughter and tell her how you used to cope with the meanies. Praise her good work and tell her how she is doing really well, how classmates do like her a lot etc.

You must speak to the teacher and talk it through properly - see what her take is on it.

The fact that she said 'you girl's need to leave each other alone' might suggest it's six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Or it might be that she's unaware or unwilling to address this girl's behaviour.

It's a cliche, but girls are like this. Many times parents have said things to me about other girls that could describe their own!

That's not to say it's acceptable and I would be upset too.

Bullying, definitely

Yes, the teacher's point of view may well have been that it was a group of 7 girls arguing. However according to DD it was the main girl plus 3 others (usually good friends of hers) who came after her, trying to wind her up. She has been trying to distance herself from them in school but really likes the 3 (and was good friends with them again by the end of the school day).

It's all so confusing - for me, never mind DD. I think the teachers may well lump them all in together as difficult girls, but surely they should be dealing with the main girl and telling her not to behave the way she has been behaving towards DD?