Private vs State (again) but unique situation

[tjandpootle]

Hello all,

Up until recently the private primary option never crossed my mind for my DS. We live in the catchment of a 'good' Catholic primary (my DS and younger DD are both baptised Catholics and my DH practises at the church)which feeds into a 'good with outstanding features' Catholic secondary in a leafy middle-class suburb. However, both my DS's pre-school teacher and childminder have observed similar issues with my DS. He is very bright (extremely creative) but seems to have problems processing information (slow to respond, can't follow more than one instruction at a time) plus spends a lot of time distracted, daydreaming and lacking in concentration/application to the task in hand. He is due to start Reception next year and I had a chat with his pre-school teacher about what I should look for in a school to meet his particular needs. She said that school and class size were going to be important for him - large class sizes and he may end up falling through the cracks and being labelled 'slow' because no-one has the time to invest in checking he's understood instructions or keeping him focused on and interested in tasks. The Catholic primary is oversubscribed so has 30 kids in each class.

I went to a state primary then on to a private secondary (I got a government assisted place as my parents couldn't afford the full fees.) I was thinking along similar lines for my 2 (although without the assistance) so private primary hadn't really crossed my mind. I also didn't think we'd be able to afford it.

However, my DH got a new job last year which he loves and included a significant payrise. His full time salary and my part-time (2 days a week, I could go up to 3 if I wanted) add up to £100K. We looked around a few preps and fell in love with one. It completely shattered my image of preps as traditional, stuffy, academic hothouses. Yes it has great facilities and a lovely building but it's co-ed, the kids were vibrant and happy and the teaching was dynamic. And the class sizes were 16 per class. Fees start at around £8K a year going up to £12K a year towards the end. We have a small-ish mortgage (£850/month assuming interest rates don't skyrocket) and don't have lavish lifestyles. Bearing in mind I feel I would also have to put my DD through the school (another debate entirely)can we really afford this?

Part of me thinks that it would be fair enough if our state option was dire but it's not. Would the sacrifices we'd have to make really mean they'd have extra opportunities not available to them in 'good/outstanding' state schools? Would we be fools to pay so much for something where the free option is good? Will the small class sizes really make such a difference to my DS? Would he thrive in a more pressured academic environment or would he be happier in a cosy community school. If only we had a crystal ball!

The other consideration is that there are no grammar schools in my county and I've found out that the private day secondaries (I wouldn't do boarding) for boys are very selective. You need to do well in Common Entrance to get in. It's a lot easier for girls. It seems my original thought of going private at secondary may be tough, especially if DS ends up having SEN. So it's probably pick private or state now and that's it throughout.

My DH was privately educated throughout but he's Australian and it's a fraction of the price over there. But he seems to think he'd be 'letting his son down' if he doesn't give him the same opportunities as he had.

A bit of a dilemma! Thoughts please...

'He is very bright (extremely creative) but seems to have problems processing information (slow to respond, can't follow more than one instruction at a time) plus spends a lot of time distracted, daydreaming and lacking in concentration/application to the task in hand.'

I'd take him to the GP and ask for a referral to a developmental paediatrician. There could be something small that with a little tweaking could make things easier for him.

wonder how likely you would be to get a place at the prep school you liked so much if your ds tried the Catholic one but did not flourish there and you felt you needed to move him.

Hard to say, of course trying it is difficult if it means denting his self-esteem at the onset of his schooling by him being labelled thick.

Any chance of a talk with the Head of that Catholic school to find out whether they would be able to accommodate his learning style (if it really is already so set in stone)?

I'd say be careful. I hear exactly what you are saying and our situation is not dissimilar but check what is available in the prep school for those with SEN. It is often not a lot and the parents have to pay for whatever it is on top of school fees. That is not always the case though and some private schools can be very good at providing extra support if and when necessary.

I do think that if secondaries are selective then starting them younger, even if at 7, not 4, can mean there's more chance of them getting in at 11 or 13.

I can't answer the financial questions, we are considering doing exactly what you are doing on just over half the salary!! (Note considering - not yet decided!!)

Hi,
The thing about an outstanding school is that it's only outstanding if it suits your child. So it may be wonderful if you have a very bright, very confident child who will shine in a class of 30 but if your child needs a little extra time or a little extra support then it 'could' be hellish. I say could because that's not necessarily the case but certainly, in your shoes, worth considering.

State schools can be fantastic. However, I think they are at their worse for average ability children who are shy, sensible and quiet or who need extra support but do not necessarily have SN.

Would you consider the pre-prep then a couple of years at prep then moving him to the state secondary? It may be that all those years of extra attention and support have allowed him to start secondary a more confident and developmentally mature boy.

One thing-check with both schools what their approach to supporting your son would be? If he does end up with a diagnosed SEN, you will find provision in the state sector far, far easier and cheaper to access.

Good luck

'He is very bright (extremely creative) but seems to have problems processing information (slow to respond, can't follow more than one instruction at a time) plus spends a lot of time distracted, daydreaming and lacking in concentration/application to the task in hand.'

I am so glad I have just read your post OP, you could be talking about my DS2. I have just posted a question about school report and lack of information. I have been worried about DS.

DS is in what is considered a "good" state school in a class of 28. I am so worried that he is falling behind. He is a bright creative thinker, he makes connections between things, he asks questions which are relevant but he is unfocussed and dreamy. No concentration and what appears to be a very short/poor working memory.

My worry is that he is falling through the cracks, just as your nursery teacher advises.

If you can afford private for your son, go with it. DS1 went to a small pre-prep and he loved it. Unfortunately for us when DS2 arrived unexpectedly we knew we couldn't afford it for both of them. If I could I would put both in private. You get what you pay for! When it?s free you are made to feel you should put up, shut up, cough up (no fees, just endless begging letters) and be grateful. It?s miserable with a bright academic child, worse still when you have worries about your child.

mimimaths mouse and tjpootle
I don't want to jump to conclusions and particularly for a very young child, it may be too early to tell but do you think your DC might have a dyslexic/dyspraxic profile. Dyslexia affects more than just reading/spelling and it can be common for the mildly dyslexic child to be achieving OK at reading but exhibit more of the "not being able to concentrate or organise themselves" type symptoms. Even mild dyslexics usually have problems with spelling though! Dyspraxia can also show up as a thought organisation/ following instructions type problem.
Dyslexic students are often highly creative and do well with model making/spatial/engineering type tasks as well as being able to think outside the box.
Just a thought - in case you hadn't considered it and it might fit!

sarahfreck - Dyslexia and dispraxia had crossed my mind. As has ADD (not the 'H'!) and somewhere on the mild end of the autistic spectrum. The pre-school teacher and childminder have quite rightly preferred not to label it at this stage and say there's still a chance he'll grow out of it. They are particularly sensitive to it as the pre-school teacher's son is dyslexic and the childminder is a special needs specialist. However, having googled all of them he fits some but not all of the symptoms for each!! He could read all his letters and numbers by 3 and a half and having just turned 4 he now knows most of the jolly phonics sounds and has started blending so as to read 2 and simple 3 letter words - but as you say, it's not all about reading/spelling.

My sister is a statemented dyslexic. My other sister had ADHD back when they blamed food colouring for hyperactivity (!) and problems with her reading so is also probably dyslexic although was never formally tested. My dad also is probably dyslexic and has ADD tendencies but again was never tested and can get away with it as he works with cars and never has to write anything down! I guess it skipped me and got my DS - bless him!

Don't go private unless you have to!

If your DS has SEN then he will definitely be better off in the state sector, and many good state schools are far better then the private alternative.

I would only consider private if my local state options were really bad.

My son is an August baby and we thought long and hard about sending him to a private school. He went to the nursery at a private school and we fell in love with it. He needed speech therapy for a year (from 3yrs) and that improved his confidence no end.

We weighed up our options and we looked through the pros and cons. Basically even though the school and the teachers were great, the actual people there were not that great. Everyone kept you at arms length, and I definitely wasn't 'in' because I had a job. I couldn't meet up with the women for all their coffee mornings and I have a battered volvo v70 instead of a 4x4. I know it seems like a cliche, but I definitely didn't feel welcome or a part of their s0-called great social circle for parents. I was like a leper when they realised I wasn't sending him to the main school, and no one wanted to know. Then I realised we had definitely made the right decision. I just wanted to have 'normal' parents around us.

We live in Surrey and so the schools aren't that bad and we decided that he would go to a state school and if he needed any extra tuition we would pay for a private tutor.

Everything went out the window anyway when I fell pregnant with number 3 (not planned) and so that made up our minds.

We thought about sending our DS1 there until he was 7 as well to give him the best headstart, but thought it would be cruel to change schools. I changed schools a lot when I was younger and hated it. We also didn't think the family should suffer as a whole and miss out on holidays etc. Also private school isn't just the fees. The uniform, class trips the 'expected' charitable donations.

I am definitely happy with my decision. My son is full-time and very happy in reception and we'll give him all the support we can and that he needs. We were also worried about the large class sizes, but thanks to the private speech therapy, his confidence has increased, and we voiced our concerns to the teacher and we are given regular feedback. We can speak to her at any time regarding our worries. They are a lot more open that I thought. It's a two way street.

Good luck. I know what you're going through. It is so hard to know what the right thing to do is. These children are such a worry !