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Primary education

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Original poster

Is this dishonest and sneaky behaviour

20 replies

Cortina · 15/10/2010 10:03

We have my nephew staying with us at the moment. He has recently started primary school in reception.

He has always been a picky eater and takes a packed lunch to school. The teacher has been standing over him to try to get him to eat his lunch and he has often been refusing. Teacher has tried to coax him and can't understand why he sometimes refuses to eat when all the other children do not leave or refuse their food. Teacher has tried praise etc first but nothing seems to work.

The teacher has been in touch with SIL to say that her son (my nephew) is defiant, sneaky and dishonest. Teacher is upset not so much by his refusal to eat but when he pretends he has eaten the food. Turns out he is hiding it in his trouser pockets or putting it in the bin. Teacher says she wants to be able to trust him but he is letting her down.

We asked him why at teatime the other day and he said he was scared of the teacher's reaction and this is why he is hiding the food etc.

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JustDoMyLippyThenWeWillGo · 15/10/2010 10:07

I would say this is just normal child behaviour when doesn't want to eat the lunch!My view is that it is not the job of teachers to stand over children and try to force them to eat: if there are concerns, she should note them quietly and speak to you. Pressure to eat it will just not work, and make "sneakiness" inevitable.

exexpat · 15/10/2010 10:19

If a child is being forced to eat it's not surprising he becomes devious.

I have always hated rice pudding, but junior school had the rule that you had to eat everything you were given. Several times I had to stay in at lunchtime to finish it, and as soon as whoever was meant to be supervising me left the room, I spooned it into the hems of the curtains in the dining room (and then of course lied and said I had eaten it).

I sometimes wonder if they ever found the mouldy rice pudding and worked it out.... The thought of rice pudding still makes me gag after all these years.

Pressure just doesn't work with this kind of eating issue, and will just make it worse, IME.

cory · 15/10/2010 10:22

Imo you can turn anyone into a sneaky and devious person if you just put enough pressure on them. And then you can make them believe that that is who they are.

I would have words with this teacher.

ForMashGetSmash · 15/10/2010 10:24

If I found out my DD was being forced to eat at such a tender age I would be kicking arses....nobody should do that...a recepion aged child is very sensitive with regards to appetite and this cow teacher is being insnsitive....he probably feels sick with her worrying him like this! Get in there and complain.

AMumInScotland · 15/10/2010 10:25

If someone stood over me trying to force me to eat something I didn't want, I think I'd do my best to hide or bin the food. I'd say this is initiative and resourcefulness not being sneaky or dishonest.

Wht not just let him eat or not eat as he chooses. Then if he gets hungry in the afternoon, he'll work out why eating lunch is of benefit to him. Nagging and pressure is never going to be an effective method.

UptoapointLordCopper · 15/10/2010 10:26

at calling the boy sneaky and dishonest. It seems that it would be more worthwhile finding out why he doesn't eat instead of forcing him to eat. Good grief.

emy72 · 15/10/2010 10:27

I think it's really odd that a teacher is forcing a child to eat.

As an adult I would hate it if someone forced me to eat :o(

I would tell the teacher to stand back and let the child eat what they want.

I was always told that forcing children to eat can cause food issues later in life, so I would be upset if my child was going through this situation.

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 15/10/2010 10:31

Yes, the teacher is an unimaginative bully who needs a swift kick up the arse. YOur nephew is not 'sneaky' the poor little sod is terrified and trying to appease a bully the only way he can think of.

Rentaghoste · 15/10/2010 10:33

Try not to build it up into a big issue with him, calmly go and talk to the teacher about it.

In my school days, the head was obsessed with everyone eating up school dinners You weren't allowed to leave until you had cleared the plate. I used to stuff mashed potato (which i loathed) into my mouth, and run to the toilet to get rid of it. Some of my pals were curious, so I told them what I was doing - and they decided it was fun and copied me. One of them later became bulimic, and it ruined her life (she's now dead).

MollieO · 15/10/2010 10:34

I used to hide my food at school but I had school dinners, the food was disgusting and the dinner ladies were cruel (would make me sit in the dining hall for the whole of the lunch break until I ate my lunch - which I never did).

Eventually ended up taking a packed lunch but never ate much as I didn't like the smell in the dining hall. Dinner ladies were less bothered as I wasn't wasting 'school food'

Gorionine · 15/10/2010 10:34

I agree with every single post.

I am a dinner lady and we do encourage children to eat and to try food they say they do not like but forcing them by staying behind a child and making sure they eat is not really productive. Of course they are going to try and sneak the food to the bin if they really do not want it and are worried to be told off if they do not empty the content of their lunch box.

RiverOfSleep · 15/10/2010 10:52

My brother rarely ate at school and the school made a massive deal of it. My dad got in touch and said he considered it entirely up to my DB whether or not he felt hungry and wanted to eat and could the school please take the same approach. Problems stopped.

My DB is now an award winning chef

DreamTeamGirl · 15/10/2010 11:01

If the teacher really used those terms then I am very shocked. They are so emotive and not what I would expect from a professional at all; much more things someone emotionally involved with the child like a parent would say.

That aside, your sister needs to ask them to back away a little. In DS' school they have to ask to move from, say, sarnie to sweet thing and have shown they have had a decent crack at the savoury bit, which seems reasonable to me.
Intimidation does not

QuickLookBusy · 15/10/2010 11:14

Agree with everyone else, your SIL should speak to this teacher calmly and clarify why she used those words to describe your DN.

She should then make an appointment to speak to the head, as "defient, sneaky and dishonest" is a very extreme way to describe a little boy who is frightened of his teacher, and not actually doing anything particulary bad.

Gosh, what would she label a child who does do something "naughty"!

Lucy88 · 15/10/2010 23:59

I must have been sneaky and devious in school then. I hated school dinners that much, that I used to sneak into the toilets and hide at lunch time so I didn't have to eat them. We had dinner ladies and teachers standing over us and 'telling us' we couldn't leave until we had eaten all our food. If we tried to put it in the bin, we were sent back to our seat to finish. I had free school dinners, so packed lunch wasn't an option for me. I was sent to the school nurse and my parents brought in when they realised I had been hiding in the toilets.

This is an awful way to treat children and had a profound effect on me with food for years. I would eat, but was the fussiest person ever. I eat more or less anything nowadays, but had real issues when my DS started in reception a year ago. I know that school dinners are a lot better than when I was child, but I was so worried about him being 'forced' to eat, I raised it with the Head and she arranged for me to meet the Cook and some of the dinner ladies. They really reassured me and my son loves his school dinners.

I am now a Governor and it is expected that I attend the school Christmas lunch. I feel sick at the thought of it and really don't want to go.

ragged · 16/10/2010 00:10

This is a chronic problem with boys about this age, it can be a huge problem in the afternoons if they have low blood sugar and work badly or start behaving terribly due to it -- we had this problem with DS and I got told off on MN for allowing it to happen, as though I could realistically expect dinner ladies to make him eat!

I did end up bring him home for lunches for a long time after that, then he ate properly.

ColdComfortFarm · 16/10/2010 00:15

Agree with previous posters - poor little boy and wicked cruel teacher! (if this is all true)
How dare she try to force him to eat and then talk about him like this when he does his best to avoid her cruelty. I would LIVID!
I still remember the horror of compulsory school milk - warm from being by the radiator, and the lengths I went to in order to dispose of it. I still can't bear milk. This sort of behaviour is the kind of thing that causes eating disorders.

edam · 16/10/2010 00:20

Good grief. Did a teacher really use the terms 'defiant, sneaky and dishonest'? About a reception child? And because the child is not eating as much lunch as the teacher thinks he should?

Just think about the power balance between a four or five year old and their teacher and you will see that hiding food is an entirely reasonable action on the part of your nephew. The teacher, however, is an adult and a professional who should know far better.

Suggest to your SIL that she tells the teacher to stop harassing her son. That the teacher needs to do some fucking basic research before bullying small children in this way.

Makes you wonder how the teacher behaves in class if they think this is anything other than a disastrous way to treat a small child.

Btw, I was a fussy child - because my mother was such a good cook horrible 1970s school dinners came as a horrid shock. I had all the hassle about eating school dinners and one nightmare evil dinner lady who kept me behind all lunchtime and made me apologise to the cook. (Cook was lovely and hugely embarrassed by all the fuss.) Didn't change my eating habits, did make he hate the fucking dinner lady.

booooooooooyhoo · 16/10/2010 00:27

sorry but this teacher really needs a refresher course. taht is not how you encourage a fussy child to eat.

i would be soooo angry if a teacher was doing that to my child. it was done to me as a child and it was awful.

magicmummy1 · 16/10/2010 01:05

pmsl at exexpat and the rice pudding in the curtains! Wonder if they ever found it?!

This teacher sounds irrational and intimidating if you ask me, and she has no right to force a child to eat. I would be furious if a teacher told me that dd was sneaky and defiant in a situation like this!

I too have horrific memories of being forced to drink school milk. :(

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