a long one, sorry

[LublieAva]

I am really upset about this so please be gentle with me.

My son is being bullied at school by a boy in his class. They are both 8 years old. It started last Spring and its mostly name calling and threats to hurt my son. Sometimes he has tried to throw punches at him or kick him but my son is bigger than he is and usually manages to block the punch or the kick with his hand.

My son has been telling the teachers and TAs from time to time but as far as he and I know, nothing has happened. I suspect he has only ever related the most recent incident each time instead of telling the whole story from the beginning. He never told me or DH because in his words ?but I told an adult and that?s what I am supposed to do?.

Two weeks ago the boy managed a kick my son near the groin. It hurt. He reported it immediately and the teacher tells me today that the boy was ticked off for kicking on that occasion.

The boy has also been bullying my son?s friend. It started with my son and then later he started on the friend too. That boy told his mother who went to the school two weeks ago and she reported it. She?s a school governor. The bully was taken to the head?s office and forced to apologise to my son?s friend. Then the parents were called to the school. His mother (the governor) told me about it and when I asked my son what he?d seen happen to his friend, the whole story came pouring out.

So I reported it to the school and a TA questioned him for details when I was not there. He didn?t tell them the whole story, just vaguely that it had been going on for six months and in detail about the kick two weeks ago.

All my son wants is for it to stop and for things to be normal again (his words). I promised him that I?d make sure it stopped and he did not need to worry any more.

So, yesterday at the end of school I asked the teacher for an update. She said that in the school?s view it was just an isolated incident but the boy had been told off for it again yesterday. I am imagining this or is it one rule for the children of the parent governor and another for my children?

My son is expecting me to stop this bullying from continuing. The school has taught him that bullying is when someone does something to you that is nasty and they do it again and again and again. In his view, this boy is bullying him.

I know it could be a lot worse, but my fear is that it will be unless the school takes it seriously and I don't think they have so far.

Take your son with you and go to the Headteacher. Explain that it is not an isolated incident and that you'll be keeping a record of times and dates when your son says he's been hit. Ask that this boy does not share a table with your ds and that his behaviour at playtimes and lunchtimes is monitored by a TA or dinner lady. Explain that your son is scared to complain after every incident and that he feels intimidated and upset by the boy. Hope this helps.

I spent time with my son yesterday evening. I got him to tell me everything that had happened from the beginning. How he had felt. Whether he had reported it. Even what he told the teacher yesterday and why he didn't tell the whole story. I also got him to tell me what he wants to happen now.
Then I wrote it down, let him change whatever he wanted and I gave it to the teacher this morning and asked for it to be put on his file.

To me though, the problem is that this school knows what it should do (because it did it just two weeks ago) but they don't want to do it. (why? )

Some schools seem to think that if they ignore bullying then it means it isn't happening. You need to kick up more of a stink. Be proactive.

The other boy's mum got stronger results because she reported it - I suspect she saw the Head. You need to do that too. You need to see the Head and say it's not being dealt with satisfactorily. Look at the anti-bullying policy and point out all the things they have failed to do. Take a copy of your notes, give it to the Head and make sure s/he reads it there and then. Ask what s/he's going to do and don't be fobbed off.

Tell them you want this boy separated at all times from your son. Put pressure on them. If you get no results go to the board of governors. Then go to the LEA.

I would speak to the head or a deputy as it seems that the teacher is not taking it seriously enough. Ask for the schools anti-bullying policy and make sure you ask for everything to be documented.

It may be that the other parent knows the policy and has just followed it to get resolution, whereas the talks you have had with the TA and teacher have not been documented or may not form part of the schools policy.

Other than that get advice from the parent who is a governor - if she has managed to get the situation resolved for her child she can help you with your situation.The parent governors are there to help you.

The other mother went to the same teacher that I did. She told them the same things that I said. And the head was informed that time.
According to the teacher when I gave her the statement this morning, the ehad was informed yesterday too.

As far as I can see there are 4 differences:-

1. It has been going on longer for my son

1. The boy was reprimandede for bullying just 2 weeks ago

1. The other child is the son of a parent-governor.

1. The head doesn't like me.

I did speak to the other boy's mother. Actually she was there last night just after I was told that it was an isolated incident. She said she was "shocked" that nothing had been done.

The best thing you can do is push, push, push on your son's behalf. However fair or not the school's response has been so far (especially if you are comparing), the important thing is to get it sorted.

Become a parent they don't take lightly. Be your son's advocate (it sounds like you've made a good start by writing every thing down). Ask for a copy of the anti-bullying policy. Insist on seeing the head. Ask what will be done now, how it will be monitored, and ask the to explain why it hasn't been picked up on before. It doesn't matter if you're liked or not, it does matter that the bullying stops.

Maybe I should wait and see? Maybe what was done yesterday will be enough given that the boy already knows what it feels like to be in trouble for bullying.
If not, then given all the other problems I have had with this school, then I will take my children away from the school.
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When I started to type this post, I didn't know how that could happen. My husband has been made redundant and we can't afford a private option or a house in an area near a good school which may have places. But the phone has just rung and it was my husband to say he has just been called for a third interview with a new company. if he gets the job then it will mean a big promotion.

OmicronPersei8 - thank you. You are right, it is unimportant whether they like me or not, its just that sometimes I feel that they are resisting me when I try to sort things out. (I have another ongoing problem with my other son who is basically not being taught at the moment).

Don't wait and see. Push. Ask what has been done, what is going to be done and when. Don't let it lie.

The note worked. I wrote it like a witness statement from my son describing his experiences. Yesterday the HT became involved and I attended the meeting. I could see that she was displeased by having it in writing, and she felt backed into a corner to react.

She claimed that she first heard of it yesterday afternoon, whereas in the morning the teacher told me that the head had spoken to the bully about it the previous day. So someone is lying to me.

Anyway, I think the head knows that I won't tolerate this sort of thing now and she can either appear to do something willingly or be forced into it. She told my son (in front of me) that although the bully's behaviour to my son was unacceptable, my son should consider that maybe the bully is under pressure from something that has nothing to do with my son.
I told him in front of her that what he has experienced in not normal, and going forward he should not think of it as an acceptable way for someone to behave. The head sort of nodded.

I don't know what's going on but it seems like the other child might be going through a hard time. I know I'd be (rightly) told that its none of my business if i asked. However, i think the head clearly understands now that I won't put up with it if she decides to turn a blind eye to it again.

but the bottom line is that my son is in the care of people who have to be forced to do the decent thing, so that is not a long term solution and I am looking into ways of moving my children to a better school.
I would be overreacting if it was this one issue, but so far there have been three times that the school has let itself down badly over something or other and I would be crazy to continue to trust in the staff.

Write to Ofsted.