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Primary education

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Y5 dd being socially excluded by class

10 replies

tamegazelle · 11/10/2010 19:53

There has been quite a lot of mobility in my dd's class and over the years a number of her 'best' friends have left. These children are never replaced and the class has shrunk in number. At every point, my dd has managed to make a new friend - until now (her last best friend left at the end of last term).

The girls in her class are quite a tight group and my dd had had real problems since the beginning of term in establishing any form of rapport with them. I have been told by the school in the past that part of the problem is that she is 'different' from the other children in that she is extremely articulate and is mature (in terms of her understanding) for her age.

I find the situation quite hard to accept, as she has another two years to go with this class. I don't just mean that the other children don't really accept her in a passive way - the sort of behaviour that I'm referring to is another girl sitting in her seat at lunchtime, so that she has nowhere to sit and another screaming at her and calling her a 'snitch' when she told the SMSA. Telling her that she can't go swimming with them; telling her that she is 'not allowed' to play with the new friend that she has made in another year group and so on...

We have an parents consulatation evening next week and I really want to address the situation. The school have been good in the past, so all is not lost. I am sure that sadly this type of problem is all too common, but would be interested in hearing from any parents/teachers who have resolved a similar situation for the better - and how they did this.

OP posts:
Callisto · 11/10/2010 21:00

Sounds like bullying to me. I would be having a shitfit at the school and removing my DD until it was sorted. But then, I would HE if anything like this happened to DD so I'm coming from a slightly different angle.

Hope you get it sorted, it must be hell for your DD.

maggotts · 12/10/2010 00:42

We had this at end of Year 4 (DD also advanced for her age) and ultimately moved DD to another school with more children in each year group. Took a little while to settle in but all is much better now and she is very happy.

It is bullying so if school can sort it, that is great. If not, are there any alternatives?

mummytime · 12/10/2010 05:37

I complained during primary school about my daughter being in a similar situation. Her school was lovely, but I don't think they really got what it was really like (my aughter is good at seeming happy); until I told them she had said she had no friends. They got a student teacher to look especially for her in the playground, and found her on her own reading, and when asked she said she did that every day. Then they did intervene a bit, and things got a bit better.
However the best thing for her was to go to senior school, where she is now popular again. (She did also have lots of friends out of school.)
I would keep nagging the school about what is going on, and get them to investigate properly. If possible they need to mix up classes, but this won't be possible if it is a one class per year school.

Good luck.

equator · 12/10/2010 06:02

Poor dd :(
Sounds like bullying as well to me.
I would bring it up with the school as a serious issue, ask to see their anti- bullying policy.

Dracschick · 12/10/2010 07:05

It is bullying and its bloody nasty.

The only way school can improve this without down and out saying 'play with littlegazelle' is to find some classroom duty for break times and have dd in there and 1 girl -working together they should forge some kind of friendship

Do you know any of the mums? is it possible for you to mention dds isolation and hope for a after school invite?

Where do dc go after school is there any chance of bumping into some of the little girls??

Whats the current fad? in my day it was elastics in ds primary it was football trainers and yu go oh cards...can she take something in to 'endear' her to the other children.

Is there any boys dd is close too- dont rule out boys as a friends if this is a possibility.

Hopefully school will go all out to help your dd but if not 2 years is a long time to be unhappy Sad is H.E an option?.

lingle · 12/10/2010 12:43

When reporting some bullying last year, I emphasised that the perpetrators were not just refusing to play with the victim, they were also not allowing my son to play with the victim either for fear that he too would be excluded. I think it helped the teacher to know this, because it made it very clear that a line had been crossed.

So I would emphasise that they are actually preventing her from playing with the friend from another year group ie they are systematically isolating her from others, not merely deciding not to play with her.

good luck, stay strong, I'm rooting for you.

stillconfused · 12/10/2010 12:55

I would definitely mention something to her teacher. Have had experience of this with one of my DS's and there are ways of helping your DD the school should know about. I agree that this is a way of bullying

ragged · 12/10/2010 13:10

Had similar issues with DS in Yr5. It all seemed too subtle to me for school to do much about it (or for me to know what to expect them to do about it), so at end of Yr5 we moved him to another school.

It is so refreshing that he now goes to school without complaining and tears! My only regret is that I didn't move him sooner (but there were practical issues with that, so not easy to move him any sooner than we did).

tamegazelle · 12/10/2010 19:00

Thanks everyone for your support/suggestions. I have thought about - and discussed HE with my dd, but she wants to stay in the school system.

I'm also up for changing schools and talking to my dd today, it is something that she would consider, if we could find the right school. I'm going to see her teacher and will take along some of the suggestions that you've made above, as if they are prepared to do something to address the problem, it will help us to decide what to do next.

OP posts:
lingle · 14/10/2010 13:12

telling them that you may have to consider moving schools might be a powerful incentive on them to act.

keep at 'em

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