nightmare friend!

[friendsproblem]

i suspect iam banging my head against a brick wall here but if anyone has some advice i would be really greatful.
my dd is 4 and has just started reception,she is a very quiet thoughtful child who is bright and very well behaved.
dd has been "chosen" by an alpha mum to be her dds "best friend".
this child is very bossy,controlling and dominates my own dd,this mother has drummed it into her own dd that my dd is her "best riend"and tells her this at every opportunity
i think my dd has been chosen because she is an easy friend for this child,as she puts up with being bossed around by her,i cannot understand why she does put up with it and am wondering if maybe it is because she is intimidated,dd has also admitted to me that this child doesnt like her to play with the other children as she "loves her too much"
iam so worried as i can see this is a really unhealthy friendship but what can i do about it?if any of you can help i would be so grateful

Encourage other friendships perhaps? Invite plenty of other children round to boost your child's confidence and make her realise she is capable of equal friendships, not domineering ones.

Have a similar thing going on. DD (just 4) comes home saying she only played with x and x always tells her what to do and she is not allowed to play with anyone else, in particular a nice relaxed little girl we met up with in the holidays. Was prepared to deal with little girl friendship issues at some stage but not week 3 of reception!

Am just telling her to be assertive and not to always to do as x says. Am reluctant to wade in though.

If you get a chance perhaps you could ask the teacher if you could have a quick chat with her after school one day. When you meet her try asking who your DD plays with and then explain what your DD has been saying about feeling as though this other girl controls who she plays with.

I'd steer clear of bringing the other mother's perceived role into it as this needs to be about encouraging your DD to be more assertive, not a criticism of another mother's methods at encouraging her DD to make friends. Ask if the teacher could keep an eye out for your DD and if she could suggest any particular phrases you could rehearse with your DD to help her make her own choices at school e.g. "no thank you X, I'm going to do/play with Y now". I imagine that if there is a lot of free play going on the teacher may try to send your DD off first so she can select what she'd like to do before the other child has a chance to influence her.

Be prepared though for being told by the teacher that your DD does choose to play with the other child.... children are often very aware of their parents' expectations and sometimes remember to tell them only what they want/expect to hear. It may be easier for her to say, "I played with Bossy Girl today" because she senses that will stop the questions whereas if she talks about other children she runs the risk of having to go into all sorts of detail when she'd really prefer a hug and a story from you!

This would really annoy me, and if the mother was saying things like that in front of me I would probably end up saying something to her about it.

There is a girl in the same year as DD (year 1 now, problems started in reception) who is a complete pain in the butt. She swings between being horrible to DD (low-level teasing that really upsets DD) to making DD play with her.

I had hoped that it would all stop over the hols but it seems to be escalating again. I will be having words with the teacher, though DD doesn't want me to atm so will hold fire for a bit. I'm not sure what more they can do though, as DD tells me that this girl has already had to 'stand outside the staffroom for being mean' twice this year already.

Sorry, going off at a tangent a bit there. The thing I found that helped DD was telling her it was ok to say things like 'I don't want to play with you today' and 'Please don't say that to me it's not very nice' etc. It is hard though.

I would hold onto the hope that someone as fickle as this mum might move her attentions to another child in the future. in the meantime, definately have a word with the teacher and ask for as bit more support for DD in choosing her own activities/friends. i'd also invite some other children over to play after school if that's an option ? Other mum may just be clumsy and completely unaware of the problem that she is creating but actually seeing some evidence of your Dd developing other friendships might help get the message acroos ?

This has been a useful discussion for me. I am having a similar situation with my DS in year 1. He's really off school at the moment and when I asked what would make school fun, he told me - if X wasn't there.
X is rough and I've seen him kick DS to say hello right in front of me. I told him that kicking was not a thing to do to other people as it's unkind. To which I received a blank look from X.
Anyhow, when DS is asked who he would like back for tea, it's almost always X.
They are in the same class and the same work group all day so DS has no break from him.
DS has become aggressive towards his older brother at home. I'm having a chat with the teacher today... oh lordy, when does it become easy?

My DD had similar...our Alpha Mum was mad as a hatter to boot!

Afer I began inviting oher girls to play after school, Alpha Mum moved on to another child and began her reign of terror with them!

They moved away recently...I had a wod with my DD's teacher who said she had noticed Alpha girl dragging my D away from other kids and hadalready sperated them in class to give my DD a chance to relax!

Have a word with the teacher...tell her your DD feels she cannot mix as Alpha girl wont let her...

I would wait and see how things pan out. Perhaps the dynamics of the friendship is just down to the personalities of the dd's. For example alpha D may be older, more outgoing, a second child and as such come across as domineering when in fact she just might be more assertive whilst your dd is a thinker with a gentle nature.
Your dd will not be friends with anyone she dosn't want to be friends with and will eventually gravitate to children she feels comfortable with. Beware of alpha mum though. Don't get too drawn into her tactics - just smile and wave but be wary about getting into any in depth chats about the dd's. It will be very awkward if you have to withdraw at a later date.

I would encourage dd to play with everyone in the class - the more friends the better i say and oh yes play dates with other children can be a good idea in this situation. Ultimately your daughter will find a comfortable space for herself in the group. good luck!

What feta says- good advice. I would also role play with DD at home on how to deal with people being OTT as this girl is being. Keep encouraging other friendships by having people over etc. Give alpha muma bit of a wide birth. And then wait a few more weeks. If things are the same say after half term then I would have a tactful quiet chat with the teacher.

In dd's class there is a similar situation alpha mum wants her dd to play with a specific dd, that specific dd wants to play with my dd but each time my dd and that specific dd play alpha dd starts getting angry/crying/being generally difficult until teacher interferes. I overheard the next morning alpha mum asking specific mum if her dd had been off school because alpha dd had been so unhappy and tearful at home because at school she had nobody to play with ... So specific dd's mum told alpha mum that her dd had been there but she would talk to her dd about it ...

It doesn't matter much for my dd as she has plenty of other friends. But I do feel sorry for specific dd as I have noticed her trying to play with other girls. Not sure whether to invite her over though as my dd is much closer to other girls.

I wonder if every school or may be even class has a situation like this?

Agree with much here. DS had majorly controlling friend in school nursery and reception. Now Yr1. We tried lots of stuff here. key things

1. Asked DS what he thought he'd do about it. (Inspired by how to talk so children will listen etc) He said he'd tell controlling friend he needed the toilet, and would sneak off and not go back so he could play with who he wanted.

2. Spoke to teacher, v v carefully, to ask her thoughts. Are his reports a true picture because he says not happy about it, friend won't let him do xyz/play with others, but clearly you're there not me. She was great said they do play a lot, didn't realise he wasn't always happy and she volunteered not to pair them up all the time as partners for activities and lining up for lunch playtime blah. Essentially she helped him break away and he knew he could go to her if child x was controlling and she would abs take it seriously. Also cranked up amount of play dates with other kids.

It just ebbed away a bit after a few weeks. New children arrived in reception and her attention turned. She def seems to need to take one child under her wing annd moved on to someone else in the end. Abs discouraged play dates tho as much as possible.

I got great advice from another mum years ago who said I know we may be friends, but doesn't mean our kids will be. I always approach new parents of kids in DS class in that spirit now. To give a return point for talks if things/friendships go arry or don't blossom.

Good luck.