Trust / confidence in the teacher / school

[rebl]

After an atrocious start to my dtwins school career (done 3 weeks in reception) and 2 formal complaints that have been dealt with in a satisfactory manner I am finding that I am struggling to draw a line and move on and trust the teacher and school.

The problem lies in the way that both serious incidents were initially handled by the class teacher who is the deputy head. The 1st incident was regarding the storage of medicine. When I asked to put the medicine in the staffroom instead of at child height in the classroom next to all the childrens water bottles I was told that that couldn't happen because she would forget to give it to dd. This is AFTER another child got hold of the medicine. I took the complaint to the ht and she was not impressed that staff were not following school policy and clearly didn't even know it.

The 2nd incident was my ds getting out of the school premises. I was not informed. When I asked the class teacher she said she didn't think it was important enough to tell me . She also argued with me when I asked for the gate to be locked saying that it couldn't be locked as people come and go from the school all day. It wasn't until I went to the ht and complained that action was taken and again it transpires that policy is that the gate is locked and visitors use the bell (rightly so). So again the class teacher didn't know the procedures and wasn't prepared to safe guard my children even after a serious incident.

We've had a written apology from the ht and long chat with the class teacher. We are happy with the actions taken regards the medicine storage and safe guarding children. What I'm struggling with is trust. I just don't trust the class teacher to tell me things. If she doesn't deem my ds getting out of school as important enough to tell me what else is she not telling me? The home school communication book for my ds is all one sided, me. I'm not expecting a blow by blow account of his day but I do expect answers to direct questions about his reading etc. She has told me about behaviour problems yet doesn't want to discuss it. We are having terrible behaviour problems at home that have started since starting school.

During our conversation with her she said that she felt this wasnt' the right school for ds and we would be better moving him. TBH I agree with her, I don't trust her and ds has SEN so we need a good partnership. But, and this is the problem, dh doesn't think we should move them from this school and we should give them a chance to sort it all out and redeem themselves. I just think that even 3weeks, 3months or 3 years down the line I'm not sure I'll be trusting her (dtwins will be in her class for 3 years) and therefore not happy with the school. DH and I have argued no end over this. I also know that there is space for both my children in good school down the road. Will I ever get the trust back like dh seems to think I will? Or am I being a precious mother and there really is nothing wrong.

X posted with a lot of you! The school down the road, in fact all schools around me have 1 or 2 reception places. I think the adults haven't produced enough children for this year group . It so happens that the school they're currently in though is 2 over their numbers thanks to a baby boom in the village and then an admissions error results in the 2 appeals being won.

We stuck it out at a school that offered appalling SN provision for dd and with an unsympathetic head. It has taken her (wonderful) secondary school over 2 years to pick up the pieces and she is still having counselling. Just this evening attended secondary school open evening for our second child and spoke to head of year and his immediate response was "whatever needs to be done, will be done". That is the attitude you want.

Nearly all the professionals involved with my DS1 said he wouldn't get a statement. He did and dare I say it was all relatively straight-forward . However, none of them opposed me applying for one, so all but one of the reports submitted were a fair and accurate reflection.

I would really consider applying for one, it takes a few months to get sorted even if it goes smoothly.

To add to this, I'm actually a SENCO and really wasn't trying to put you off, just looking at it from the other side re the pupil book. To be honest I don't think the home-school book does cater for the child's needs and discourage them for the above mentioned reasons.

As for the statement application, sounds to me like your child is a prime example of someone who needs one, particularly due to the deafness he would get one. Push her on it and if not parents have a right to apply themselves (contact the LA).

teacher I appreaciate your comments. I particularly want to try and see it from another pov, either the teachers or my dh's.

DH have talked again. We are going to write one line questions in the book that are direct questions that are relavent to ds's homework and problems. So tonight we have written "DS is struggling to differentiate between the sounds of 'm' and 'n'. Do you have any suggestions to help with this?"

That is all we have written. I would expect some sort of acknowledgment to that considering my ds's problems and the work she is sending home. DH would like to do this for 2 weeks and see what happens. DH is of the opinion that if she can't respond to these questions then we have nothing to work with and he'll consider moving schools. I have to respect his opinion even if I don't agree.

I am going to go and look round the other school by myself (dh says he can't take more time off work). This is proving to be so difficult for me. I'm being forced to go against my instincts and what so many people are advising. But I have to respect my dh and we can't continue to argue over this every day. I guess we're now trying to meet each other half way on this.

what is the book for? what does the teacher expect to use it for? do you speak to the other parents? what do they write in it?

in dd's we just write what we did 'dd wrote t,i and p in her sound book then sounded out word wall 1. enjoyed word walls more than reading book.'

then teacher/parent helper/ta writes similar after they read with her.

if i had a question i'd wait at the end of the school day.

if they're doing jolly phonics reading scheme they may not have done 'm' yet as such.

rebl, I don't have any useful advice but I have read your other threads and just wanted to say I really feel for you. Given all that's happened, it's no wonder that you are struggling to trust the school and it must be so hard to keep them there when your gut instinct is to take them out. I really hope that you and your dh can work out the right solution!

I can't remember from your previous threads how much hearing your DS has but answers to questions such as the one about the difference in sounds m and n will be tricky for lots of teachers to answer in relation to a child with limited hearing. If you don't feel that this school is going to work for your children then there is no point in them remaining there. However, there is also nothing to prevent their current teacher from getting a job at the school down the road.

My suggestion would be to leave the homework queries altogether for the time being and ask for the LA's teachers of the deaf/similar provision to either offer some outreach support or training to the staff (and you so you know the strategies they recommend) so that resource cards with 'yes' can be provided by someone else. Contact books are hard work but perhaps this teacher would be able to e-mail you once a week (and respond to an e-mail from you once a week) instead of needing to write in a book?

Do visit the other school and ask about security, resourcing for a child with limited hearing, home/school contact books etc. and, if possible, meet the Reception teacher and ask him/her these things. You may find that school no better when it comes to the nitty gritty but equally, they may be far more clued up.

rebl, my ds has sn, he has been at the same school (including pre-school nursery since he was 3, I am in Scotland), the staff have never had any problem communicating with me, face to face and through home school books. Homework etc has also never been a problem, ds has had great support, and one to one LSA since he started nursery - so I think you can expect it to be better for your ds, if other schools can do it? I haven't had any negative comments - I think a good teacher with the right support can mange these things. ( I realise I am pretty lucky, not tat it should be down to luck).

Does your ds have one to one support?

....We've had the same word 'yes' for over a week now and he just isn't learning it and I can't think of a way to visually illustrate it so I asked for suggestions. I got nothing....

rebl, this jumped out at me apart from the other things you have mentioned. This alone tells me that the teacher has a single focus approach to teaching reading which is completely unsuitable and will not help your child learn to read. Already it can be seen to be not working. Even deaf children need to learn sound symbol relationships. This is not the place or time for me to go into detail. But this teacher is making no effort to learn and provide for your child, let alone provide for safety concerns. I'd most certainly be looking around for a better attitude!

I guess it depends what type of person you are too - can you move on from this poor start, can they be credibly given a second chance? The school sounds like a mess.

I have just moved my dd after disliking her previous school intensely for 3 years. It started off badly and it continued that way, one thing after the next...it was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster - It's early days but her new school is so different, so lovely, so caring. I wish I'd trusted my feelings when she was in Reception, the move would have been easier and saved a lot of grief.

Rebl, it sounds as though you want to move DS but are perhaps worried about upsetting people. If you want to look at this other school, then go - it's nothing to do with your current school; they can't decide where you want to send your DS. It may also make them realise how strongly you feel about this. i'm appalled that Ds's teacher didn't consider it important enough to tell you that he'd gone AWOL - they're in loco parentis, and being entrusted with someone else's children is a big deal, whether it's 1 or 30 kids. It's worth asking youself how you might feel in a year's time if you don't move him, compared with making a new start.

Keep pushing for an SEN assessment - if you don't trust DS's teacher over other things, I suspect you don't trust her refusal to discuss this, either. Doesn't mean he'll be statemented at the end of the process, but that's not for her to decide, is it? Best of luck.

MrsColumbo I think that you are perhaps right about me not wanting to upset people. I don't want to upset dh, they're his children as well and he's not a silent partner so to speak, he cares greatly and has always been equally involved in the children even though he works fulltime.

I've tried to contact the teacher of the deaf with regards the reading but we're missing each other and have been for a week. I've just rung again and left a message for her to call me and asked her to use my mobile instead of the house phone which is what she's been trying to catch me on.

I will again ask about a SEN assessment. Both dh and I feel that that is the way forward whatever school ds is in. DH is going to try and call the school today and get a reason why they say ds wouldn't get one.

Statementing, wherever you go, is going to take time - the sooner you get the wheels in the motion on that, the sooner it might come through, but in the short-term the odds are you're going to be floundering around slightly without the support in place.

Personally I think if you're going to make the move - do it, talk to the school you're wanting to go to and see if they'll be more supportive regarding statementing etc... if so it might be better going through them - you can go it alone via the LEA, but if the school is going to back you - let them do the paperwork!

Sounds like the teacher is trying to work around the difficulties though if she's doing things like adding more structure in to minimize issues - I wonder if she's being blocked from above and is hoping you'll push the issue for more support to be honest reading between the lines... I've been in that kind of situation myself before when you can't get any joy yourself from SMT but an irrate parent has slightly more force to get things moved.

cat64 thank you for your specific answers but as you say, these are not the point.

I have spoken with the ToD today and she is going to speak to the school about teaching reading and phonics.

Everyone on here is right, we need to go and look round the other school. I wish that dh would see where I am and you all are coming from. My life would be easier right now if he could because then I wouldn't be living against what I feel is right.

I hope the ToD can bring some improvement to the current situation.

I initially put my DS1 into the village preschool as I felt it was important he met local children. It really wasn't suitable for him but I left him there for a good while longer than I should as I a) really wanted it to work b) wasn't sure there would be much difference between settings. The reality was he wasn't mixing with the other DC as he was totally unsupported and when I did finally pull him out, the next preschool I chose was completely different in terms of attitude/structure/ability to deal with a child like my DS1. Could your DH have similar feelings re going to the local school etc?

rebl - I think it is vastly important that you have confidence in your school's ability to keep your child safe and meet their needs. Our DS2 had a similar experience the second week of reception - he literally walked through an unlocked gate and into the small (but busy) carpark that opens onto the main road. The playground attendant apparently found him right away, however, we were horrified when one of his teachers (they job-share) basically stated it was DS2's fault entirely (rather than lack of supervision and a gate that should have been secured) and that they couldn't watch him 1 on 1 so he would need to hold a playground attendant's hand for the entire 30-45 minute playtime after lunch. Rather like a very public time out for accessing a gate that should have been secured, that they had been encouraging parents to use to pick the reception children up from their early finishes (so he'd been through the gate a number of times with us).

I was literally fuming as I was under the impression that she was speaking for the school itself. Upon speaking to the HT the next morning, I discovered (thankfully!) that the HT had called a meeting of staff involved, as she was not happy with how it was handled. After talking to me, she assured me that the gate would now be locked while the children were in the playground area and they also placed a red "STOP" sign on the gate, to remind children it was off-limits. The HT not only implemented this immediately, but she also stated that if there was any problem in locking the gate (due to the latch or anything) that they would have someone come out and assess what type of gate they would need in order to make it lockable and replace the gate. Luckily, it was easily lockable. She also stated that DS2 would not have to stay with the playground assistant and hold their hand, as it would seem like a punishment which was inappropriate.

If she had not waded right in to fix the solution, I would have been extremely unhappy about leaving DS2 there, as I would have been worried sick that he might get out the gate again and get run over. It was so upsetting, and I completely understand where you're coming from. DS2 has some SEN, which the school identified (and we suspected), and simply doesn't always register that some things are dangerous or have the best impulse control, so I HAVE to rely on the school to keep him safe.

Can you meet with teacher and HT, and basically lay everything on the table about how you feel about this situation? And if you're still not satisfied, then consider moving schools, IMO. If you need to get your DH onside, then maybe have him come to a meeting with teacher and HT.