Perfectionist dd1, yr 1. Always upset.. What to do?

[mrsshackleton]

Dd1 is 5.7. She is very highly strung and can be a bit of a handful, however she is beautifully behaved at school. She's reading well and despite having co-ordination problems her writing isn't too bad because she loved it last year.

But now she's getting very upset about the tiny amount of "homework" they're set once a week. It involves writing a couple of simple sentences and such like. However, if she gets a letter wrong or reversed she utterly freaks out, hits the page, screams and tells me it's all a disaster.

I've reassured her endlessly we all make mistakes, that that's how we learn that the teachers don't mind crossings out, they just want to see her try but she just loses it. Dh is just the same when frustrated so I know where this comes from but I'd love some advice on how to effectively put across the message that mistakes are fine and not to be so hard on herself.

Sorry, can't offer much helpful advice but just wanted to say that one of my DD's (also just started year 1) is the same.

I am like your DH I think, get frustrated with things very quickly if I can't do it straightaway.

Does your DH have any thoughts on the subject, as the adult version of your daughter?

I feel sad for DD as I don't want her to make the mistakes i made of giving up too easily. Hope you get some good advice.

I made a list for DD of all the things she is good at and has admitted she is good at, from drawing pictures to little things like looking after her favourite cuddly toy. So when she gets upset and downhearted we get out the list and try and add new things where possible. Would something like this help your DD to remind her of how much she can do?

I can't help sorry but wanted to say like hattyyellow that my DD(just started Year 1) too is the same. Unfortunately here,both DH and I are like your DH and hattyyellow.
I think I'd try hy's tip. Could you try that too to see if it might help her?

I will try that. Unfortunatley dd, like her dad, doesn't really swallow compliments and praise. She says things like: "You have to say nice things to me because I'm your mummy."

I mean

"you're my mummy"

My dd is like this too, and without wishing to sound mean, we have found the best way to deal with it was to say firmly "thats enough of that behaviour. Either cross out the mistake and put the right answer in or start again but stop shouting. Is this how you behave if you get something wrong in class?"

That normally stops it in its tracks! Have read that back and I promise its not as horrid as it sounds when we say it to her. Its just that it has to be headed off quickly or it turns into a trauma that goes on for hours!

My DS had this problem in year 2 and the way we dealt with it was by showing him how we carried on even when we make mistakes.

If we did drawings together I would deliberately do something wrong in my drawing and show him how I could incorporate the mistake to make it part of the drawing. Or I would do a piece of writing and spell someting wrong, crossing the word out and writing it out next to it.

Then if he coloured something in and went over the edge I would show him how we could, for example, colour a darker colour next to it to disguise it and make it part of the picture. I would then praise him whenever he made a mistake and carried on.

I found that this approach really worked and after about a month he really started to change.

My DS1 is a bit like this too. When he starts flapping I suggest that we stop doing the work and I write a note explaining why it hasn't been finished. He usually calms down at that point. I also break larger tasks down into smaller ones and set a time limit so the homework process doesn't get too overwhelming. However, he also sees the negative consequences if something takes 25 mins instead of 10 mins he loses playing time as I won't move his bedtime back to compensate IYSWIM.

I agree with frankie3 that it is really important that they see you make mistakes. For example, if I am reading a bedtime story and I get it wrong (even if they wouldn't have noticed) I tell them I have made a mistake and go back and read it again. It helps that they realise that everyone makes mistakes and it really isn't the end of the world.

scootergrrrl - I agree with you and take a similar approach. I say 'we all have to learn and throwing wobbleys is just daft because it wastes time'...then we start again (I don't say this in a particularly harsh voice, but a 'no messing' voice and it usually does the job)

Scootergrrrl and wheelsonthebus I agree completely. My dd is like this - (5.7 also). She was playing on education city last night and got a question wrong because she pressed the buttons too quickly - had a complete meltdown. I just told her if she was going to behave like that when she made a mistake then she wouldn't be allowed on the computer anymore. Tantrum stopped and game continued. I try to speak to her after she's calmed down about how everyone makes mistakes and that's how you learn properly but she tends to just look at me a bit sceptically!

By the way, those of you with similar children, do they also have a meltdown if they are "out" in a party game? DD was "out" of musical bumps at the weekend and burst in to tears despite multiple talks about being a good loser....

Mine doesn't make a fuss when she loses,might look sad but is generally okay.

I have tried making mistakes so she sees we all do but then she says, 'did you make that mistake on purpose?'

I sometimes do the scootergirl approach and is the best so far to be honest.

(breathes sigh of relief that she's not uber-mean mummy....)