Help me improve my relationship with headteacher

[LublieAva]

Can anyone offer me some advice please on how to get along with my children's primary school headteacher? Its a small school and I have to interact with her a lot. I've got off on the wrong foot and there's a sense of wariness, and maybe hostility, on both sides whenever we come into contact with each other.

There is history here, and I have posted about the various episodes before. I don't want to drip feed the story or bore you with a long essay but in summary I would say that on her side, she feels protective towards her school and is wary of any perceived criticsm. On my side, she forced me into a discussion with her some months ago about something that was happening in my child's classroom and then when she learned what was going on, she swept it under the carpet rather than deal with it. I've never referenced it but she knows what she did, and she knows that I know.

We only speak now when we have to, and she usually ends the conversation by walking away and calling back a parting remark over her shoulder. Its not what she say that is bad, its more how she says it and how she cuts me off mid-sentence without finding out what I am trying to talk with her about. It is as clear as day that she doesn't want to be around me and she seems to bristle if there is anything more said than "good morning". She even manages to look pained if she sees me helping out in the school with taking children to read. In fact I've stopped doing this now because it felt so uncomfortable.

I've tried being friendly and hinting that I'd be happy to put things behind me and move on, but she just listened in silence and did not reply and then a few weeks later she called me into her room to tell me off for a political view about how schools could be improved that I expressed to other mums over coffee. I got annoyed with her that time and she backed down but it left me wary of her. At this point, i'd probably ask if I could bring a voice recorder with me, if she asked me to see her again.

So does anyone have any advice about what i can do to improve things? I don't need to be her friend, but I do need to feel confident that i can speak to her if I need to and that she will not try to make an example of my children fi they should ever step out of line.

bump?

A lot of parents have said to me (unprompted) that she "lacks people skills". It seems a bit odd to me that that could be true... I mean how do you get to be a headteacher without people skills?? But I think they may well be right based on my own experience. certainly she doesn't seem able to put things behind her.

Before the summer holiday my seven year old was in tears one day because of something incredibly trivial (he thought he'd forgotten his packed lunch one day and took a school meal instead), then he'd had a huge telling off from a teacher about it. He still closes his eyes and shudders if this gets mentioned.
I thought it was weird an asked the head the next day if she knew why he got so upset over something so small. I was asking if something else had happened which had unsettled him and caused an overreaction. She sort of fizzed in front of me about how inconvenient it had been to have to find out why they were a school meal down. If he'd been beating up another child she couldn't have been more worked up about it.
I wish we could just move on to a new school but everywhere is full (except this school).

Just to balance.. a lot of other parents think she's fantastic.

If it was me I think I'd call a meeting with her and maybe go with DP or a friend if I couldn't face doing it on my own (but I would try to).

I would be charming and to the point. Say something positive (an honestly held belief) about your child's progress, something she's done you admire, something you like about the school etc but keep it quite short.

Then I'd say how much I wanted to help out in school and explain honestly I'd felt awkward before. Then say that you wanted to make sure you could put anything that had happened before behind you and move forward together in a positive way. Smile sweetly and leave.

Or something like that. Easier said than done I know. But I do know when I have done something similar the 'scary' person involved has looked utterly taken aback and things have got better. HTH :)

gosh apart from the school dinner thing you could be talking about Dd3's headteacher [they don't do dinners]. She has zero people skills and is control freak. It is her single minded determination that has got her to headship. I am almost at the point of getting parent partnership in to help me sort out the issues I have with her.
It is a horrible situation to be in.

Do you feel as if you're banging your head up a brick wall?

I bet other parents don't know the half of it.

I really feel for you. My relationship with HT experience is extraordinary and I too have posted. As soon as I knew she knew I knew I removed my DC as I could not guarantee that she would not pick on them albeit in a very covert way - this she is capable of. I appreciate that this is not an option with you but maybe worth getting your DC on waiting list elsewhere.

I too did volunteer work for 2 afternoons a week and left as soon as I started being left alone at break times where children were also very often on there own.

Headteachers (and by no means do I mean all HTs). There seems to be a hardcore minority of HTs who think that they can do no wrong. IME any parents who become a nuisance are regarded by HT as pushy and as soon as they leave, as they inevitably do, the problem has gone - whoosh, just like that.

Sadly, whatever has happened between you, no matter how hard you try, will not be forgotten by the HT.

Depending upon the relationship between HT and Chair of Governors, it's worth flagging your situation up.

You have obviously hit a nerve with her for her to be behaving as she is towards you. You are more than likely IMO on the verge of uncovering more and this is why she is behaving as she is.

Unfortunately, IME, leopards do not change their spots.

Best of luck and would be interested to hear how things progress.

Ineed2 - I got parent partnership involved. Ultimately ended in HT forging an LEA document. Many, many other issues uncovered. Would recommend.

OP - you mention recording conversations. I wish I had done that, it would have saved a whole lot of time and taxpayers money but I thought at the time it would be wrong and I still had a degree of faith. I now have mixed feelings about it but I would ensure it would be in your best interests to make sure you have a friend maybe with you, just to back you up.

Not so much banging my head against a brick wall as feeling like I am missing something as her reaction is OTT.

This is her 2nd HT post and you don't just get such jobs unless you are sensible, right? But the way she has behaved has made me want to change schools, whereas previously we were the sort of family where the children are encouraged to behave themselves, work hard, join clubs, make friends and the parents support the school as best we can. So why do I feel like she'd be glad if we just left?

I would say that everybody has to understand that a good teacher does not necessarily make a good headteacher. It is a very different set of skills and not all heads have the complete skills set.

Reading betweent the lines of your posts I think you rub the head up the wrong way as they perceive you as questioning their professionalism. Many heads are particularly sensitive around the idea that they can do no wrong (though they frequently can be) and it then becomes very difficult for them to back down. In many respects it is human nature and heads are human beings like the rest of us.

How you get back to having a sensible relationship is very difficult. I don't think there is one answer other than trying not to get in a position where you are questioning anything about the head, which will simply inflame the situation.

Mmmm - 2nd HT post?!

Obviously you don't know her history but you are right to be curious. It is notoriously difficult to get rid of a headteacher especially if they are considered incompetent/poor leaders/managers. Could be that has been HT of school in special measures and been forced to move on, could be that LEA were at their wits end or could be that she was on the verge of being rumbled and applied for and got another job before it all went belly up.

Of course must also recognise that it could be non of the above and just that the vacancy became available and she was the best person for the job.

At the moment I am very, very wary but I do know and accept that these rogue HTs are in the minority so pleeeeese don't all shout at me.

She sounds like our HT too. Actually i think our HT is worse. She lies too. And takes suggestions and constructive criticism very personally, she also discusses children with parents who are not their own, reveals private information about them, has favourite families, and I could go on and on. I am in a similar situation to you OP in that I am trying to remove my DCs but all schools are ful, except this one, I wonder why!

If there is no prospect of getting your kids out I think I Would leave all honesty and integrity at the door and have a meeting with HT at which you basically kiss arse in a serious way until she loves you. Our HT is so unprofessional that if she doesntlike the parents, the kids suffer - covertly, but they suffer all the same, at the very least from being ignored or overlooked for awards, merits etc. So if it was our HT I'd be in there with a bunch of flowers and a thank you card in order to ensure the kids don't suffer.
In the case of our HT, any attempts at genuine dialogue always result in hostility and grudges and it is just not worth it.
Great isn't it.

Put your children down on the waiting list for all the other schools that are commutable. This does not sound resolvable to me.

I have moved my kids and it is the best thing I have ever done. Problems with the HT were one of the contributing factors....

The last over the shoulder parting remark made to me by Dd's head teacher was " Well.. She's your child"!! to which I replied [because I cant help myself anymore] " Yes you're right she is".This was at the end of a brief conversation about hayfever fgs!!
I have emailed parent partnership this afternoon.

fabsoopergroovy - i think you understand more about these things than I do.

When I said that it is her 2nd post, I meant that she must have done the last job well, because otherwise no one would offer her this post.

I tried lying - I apologised for the meeting we had in Jan/ Feb when it all started to go wrong. To be honest i don't think I did anything wrong but I apologised at Easter anyway thinking that she seemed upset so maybe it was the best way to move forward. She responded with "no, no you should tell me if these things are happening..." and i thought that it was all over but the next term she jumped on me on the first week back and then she had another go later in the term.
God, when i think about it, i realise that I really do not like her at all and I just wish I could get my children away from her school.

still it could be worse - I could be George Michael and on my way to prison rather than just having to navigate the playground twice daily!

She sounds dreadful. A total egomaniac

What are the governors like?

o no! he is going to prison?
I wish our HT could be safely removed from society for the good of all little children everywhere!!

the governors are fine. decent, well-balanced people. I've heard that they see her for what she is (apparently she is fairly demanding of them), but she is moving the school in the right direction and they'd be crazy to rock the boat now. I wouldn't if I were them.

George Michael's been given 8 weeks this afternoon.

Dc2 tells me over dinner tonight that his (NQT) teacher has every Wednesday out of the classroom (to go to college or something) and that he is going to get two TAs that day - one in the morning and a different one in the afternoon.
That can't be right, can it? I mean that's 20% of the school year! Maybe he has misunderstood? If I had a good relationship, I'd just ask for clarification and there may well be a good explanation as to why its fine. But given the actual relationship, there is no way I can find out if he is going to have a teacher on Wednesdays.

I'm afraid that is possible. Not great at all, but very possible.

1. If she is disrespectful to you call her on it say "Excuse me, I'm sorry I'm sure you didn't mean to say x, do y." or "did you mean to say z because it made me feel y" etc

1. you act like you're a governor are you?

1. a HLTA can take a class on Teacher's plaaning

1. are you totally sure you're not a nightmare parent who is always in their face?