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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

What advice can you give a 9 year old girl whose "best friend" has found a new best friend?

24 replies

emkana · 05/09/2010 18:15

Poor, poor dd.

She is being so good about it, she said to me "Inwardly I feel so sad about it but it's no good showing it to X"

I've advised her to try and strengthen her friendship with other girls in the class, but it's difficult because all the girls are now in friendship pairs, with dd1 the only one not paired up! She was best friends with X until a new girl joined the class in about May.

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cornsilk909 · 05/09/2010 18:20

poor dd this happened to my ds when he was about 8. He made friends with another boy and they are now soul mates. Looking back I think he and his previous best friend would have drifted apart anyway. Can you have a word with the teacher?

Original poster

emkana · 05/09/2010 18:36

I was thinking about it, but not sure what the teacher could do, whether she would be interested?

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MmeTrevignon · 05/09/2010 18:42

You should tell her as she will be able to organise work pairs / seating plans to enable your DD to sit by other girls who she may then become more friendly with. The teacher should know how important friendships are to girls.

Poor DD , but it may well be the making of her if she hooks up with other girls and widens her friendship group.

ZZZenAgain · 05/09/2010 18:46

do they still meet up out of school?

Original poster

emkana · 05/09/2010 19:17

They have never met up that much outside school, maybe one play date after school per half term or so.

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PixieOnaLeaf · 05/09/2010 19:22

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Original poster

emkana · 05/09/2010 19:24

She does Brownies yes, and has a few friends outside of school. Unfortunately there is nobody in her class that she's interested to be friends with instead, and it's difficult anyway because they are all in friendship pairs. Dd must be quite popular though, she was voted to be on the school council.

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Original poster

emkana · 05/09/2010 19:26

I feel guilty about it because X and this other girl started striking up their friendship whenever dd was busy with her violin lesson! Also on Thursday at beginning of term dd had diarrhoea because of me (I stupidly overdosed her on constipation medicine), and so x and the other girl got to sit next to each other because dd was way behind them in the line.

aaaaaaaaaaaaargh

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Acanthus · 05/09/2010 19:29

I'm sure they aren't really as exclusive as it sounds - they can't really talk to the same person all day. I can see it will be hard for your DD for a while though, if that;s how it feels.

Summatontoast · 05/09/2010 19:35

How about inviting best friend that was to tea or out for day, it may reignite the friendship?

PixieOnaLeaf · 05/09/2010 19:36

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ZZZenAgain · 05/09/2010 19:38

I think so too summat. I could imagine that the new girl's mother has been putting some effort into the friendship, meeting up outside of school etc so her dd finds her feet.

Perhaps you could do the same? INvite the ex bf around, invite the new girl around (individually). I don't see why they all have to be in friendship pairs, what is wrong with a three-some or a group?

Original poster

emkana · 05/09/2010 20:02

dd wouldn't really mind a threesome, but she has been told by X and the girl that they'd rather play by themselves.

X did come out for the day with us during the holidays, and it was a nice day.

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ZZZenAgain · 05/09/2010 20:05

this kind of thing is so hard for mothers. Do you get on well with the ex bf's mother? Could you have a word with her? Maybe she could help dd be more included.

Are you sure the other girls in the class are all out of the question as close friends?

Original poster

emkana · 05/09/2010 20:07

I asked dd and she likes the other girls all well enough, and has said that she will play with them, but not one really is her "soulmate" so to speak.

It does make so sad, especially as I feel responsible

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Original poster

emkana · 05/09/2010 20:08

Don't know X's mother very well, just on a small talk level.

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ZZZenAgain · 05/09/2010 20:10

it wasn't your fault, these things happen.

I've found some mothers invest a lot of time into promoting their dd's friendships, by which I mean - inviting the friend over, having sleep-overs and so on. Others (lazier types er-hem like me don't). It can make quite a difference though. If those girls see each other a lot outside of school, they will develop a more close-knit friendship.

Could you start inviting other girls round so dd gets to spend more time individually with some of them? That might help a new close friendship kick off IYSWIM

Original poster

emkana · 05/09/2010 20:11

Yes that's a good idea, will try that.

I'm more the lazy type as well... it would be so much easier if X just lived close by, but she doesn't.

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BettySuarez · 05/09/2010 20:16

Talk to the teacher and let her know how your DD is feeling. She won't be able to force or redirect the friendship but she may be able to do some subtle 'tweaking' of the seating plans so that your DD starts to make new friends within the class.

Friendship can be very fickle at this age, so some time spent sitting next to someone else may be all it needs for a friendship to form.

Put a bit of extra effort in at the school gates with the mums of the other girls within the class (tiresome I know!) and arrange some playdates after school as others have suggested.

Give DD a big hug from Auntie Betty

spiritmum · 05/09/2010 20:26

Oh dear, my dd1 went through something similar before the holidays. She had a best friend who was poached by a much more dominant girl and both of them started being horrible to her - I got a lot of pressure from the ex friend' smum to keep the friendship going but after a few succesful play dates followed by more grief for dd1 in school I called time on it.

Yes, do talk to the teacher, I have with dd1's and she has been very good at listening and encouraging new friendships for dd1. You should also mention the fact that your dd has been told not to play with the othe rtwo girls as most schools do not allow exclusion like this and encourage children to include each other in play. If the new best friend is the driving force behind your dd being excluded you may find that a word from the teacher is all it takes for her to get in with her again.

I've also talked to dd1 about friendships and how important it is for her to be self-reliant. So long as she likes herself then the opinion of other people doesn't matter so much. We also talked about the fact that whilst it's sad for her friend to go off, she can't really have been much of a friend really because friends don't exclude each other or reduce them to tears day after day.

We've come up with strategies for her such as other people she can play with and things she can do - she can take a book up to the playground for example. It's also a small school so she doesn't confine herself to playing just with children in her class but also from the years above and below her.

Has your daughter gone back to school yet? I have noticed a bit of a shift since dd1 went back to school on Thursday, her ex best friend seemed really happy to see her and the more dominant girl started to get a bit put out.

Don't blame yourself. Whilst a few days apart might make a difference to 4 yr olds by 9 friendships are well cemented. If that was all it took for dd1's friend to go off the friendship couldn't have been that strong and might not have lasted anyway.

HTH xx

Over40 · 05/09/2010 23:00

My daughter has a "best friend" who likes to on occasion just turn round and exclude my DD from whatever game is going on. We have had quite a few chats about this and how this is "power play". By becoming visibly upset my DD is giving the power to her BF who is rather enjoying the fact my DD is now hanging around on the fringes. So we have looked at strategies that allow my DD to keep the "power". My DD tried the following... when told she cant be part of the game she paints a big smile on her face (and yes we discussed how this is NOT how she would be feeling) and joins in with a different game without a backward glance. She is pretty good at getting on with people so she can always find someone to play with. And yes as if by magic..... the friend asks her to join their game about 10 mins later because at the end of the day she was only excluding her to be unkind!
Yes I appreciate it is rather manipulative but hey.... girls are complete cows to each other and this is defensive! Actually I rather wish she would dump this "friend" completly! After all a friend is someone who makes you feel good!

Clary · 05/09/2010 23:13

Emkana if the new best friend is a new girl, you may find the shine wears off and she comes back to yr DD (if that's appropriate?).

This happened with a girl in my DD's year, she set lots of the year about itself and everyone wanted to be her BF (not quite the same I know) but it sorted itself out and the hoohah died down quickly enough.

I am sure teacher would try to help. Could they become a 3? My DD has been in a three more than once, tho her friendships seem to be fluid an dchange quite often, so it's not alway sthe same 3 IYSWIM. But last year it was a deffo three, we all went out on her birthday and it was such a lovely lovely day.

sundew · 05/09/2010 23:21

Emkana as other posters have said you can't blame yourself - a true friendship would be able to get through a lot more than a couple of odd hours apart.

My dd1 (also 9) lost her bf about 6 months ago. They had been best friends since the first day of reception - but a new girlsd atrted, the friendships all shifted and dd1 id now without a bf.

However, she does now have a much wider circle of friends (although no-one who is really special).

I made an effort by inviting the girls dd1 was playing with back for tea etc which seemed to work fine. She is now OK with it. Hope it works out OK for your dd

madamehooch · 06/09/2010 11:06

Went through all of this with DD in Year 3. One day she was 'in', the next day she was 'out'. Regularly emphasised to her the need to play with other children but to no avail (or so I thought) until the day she announced to the group that she "was never going to play with them again.!" Went off and found new friends and now has a wide circle.

On the other hand, in Years 1 and 2, she was that dominant friend who didn't like her then best friend playing with anyone else. I found the school to be really useful in sorting this out. They gave the girls 'friendship lessons' where they learnt that it was fine for your friend to play with someone else as long as you made sure that they had someone else to play with and were not going to be on their own.

She still remembers the lessons and is now a perfectly adjusted 10 year old who can sort out her own problems.

Bearing her age, it might be worth backing off a bit and leaving her to sort it out for herself, at least for a week or so. If not, then a quiet word with the teacher without her knowing wouldn't hurt.

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