Bullying - AGAIN!

[Cimarosa]

For the last couple of years my DD has had problems from one girl with what I would call 'low level bullying'. The girl deliberately moves into her friendship group and then pushes my DD out to play on her own. My DD is a bit over sensitive and we've worked hard at building up her self esteem and helping her to find strategies to deal with this girl.

I also spoke to the teacher on a couple of occasions (literally twice in whole academic year)who had noticed an issue and always dealt with it in a gentle, non-confrontational, but effective way.

HOwever, we've been back one day and already little girl is telling my DD not to 'tell tales' as this will make her unpopular and she'll get bullied. I know there is an element of truth in this, but I find this a very old fashioned attitude and feel that in this age bullying is completely unacceptable and needs nipping in the bud!

We have always strived to a) take my daughter seriously, b) build up her self esteem and c) only speak to the school when my daughter had got to a point where the issue was keeping her awake at night, giving her tummy ache and making her not want to go to school.

My DD is in year 3, any suggestions as to how I should now deal with this?

Just to ensure you're fully in the picture, I think some of the issue stems that the mum went off with an old friend of mines husband, although friend moved away several years ago and we've all but lost contact. I've always worked to keep a civil relationship with this mum, but I am finding it hard as she seems to find it amusing that her daughter gives other children (not just my DD, although she seems to get the worst deal) a hard time - apparently she just likes to be 'boss' and other children need to learn to stand up for themselves.

This sounds like a horrible situation. I would talk to the teacher again and say that you will be checking in with her regularly to see how things are progressing.

I would also find another girl or group of them in the class and start to try and form new bonds. Take another group out to the cinema etc

"only speak to the school when my daughter had got to a point where the issue was keeping her awake at night, giving her tummy ache and making her not want to go to school."

I think this is a mistake. I wouldn't underestimate the teachers. People who work in education are not as inclined to think you are just being a helicopter mum as you would think. It is helpful to the teacher to have as much information as possible as soon as possible.

Sounds like the mum is actually supporting the childs behaviour which is very wrong in this situation. If you don't get something done now this behaviour will continue particularly in Year 5, when bitchiness starts properly. I'd speak to the teacher (new one this year?) explain the history and outline where you go from here. Do it as a general 'just to let you know that...'

I agree year five is the peak year so it may get worse.

Thanks for input so far.

I've always been careful about labellng something as 'bullying' too quickly because I don't want to a) label someone elses child or b) come over as a helicopter mum. Also I have a particular position of responsibility in the school, as VC of Govs for past 3 years and don't want to be perceived as using my position to create trouble, in light of previous issues with mum.

Yes, mum is supporting child behaviour and always has. She is quite vindictive herself as I have witnessed on a number of occasions, so it is obviously learnt behaviour.

Our school is a small school and I have always been confident that certainly through year 2 school were aware of the problem and dealing with it appropriately. I am also confident that new teacher will be aware as the liaison between teachers is very good, but I may pop in for a chat sometime next week, just to ensure.

How would you expect the school to deal with the situation?

If I was the teacher I would be monitoring the situation. I would possibly do one of two things:

1. set up a home-school link book that increased communication between the two of us so we could pass on how your child was feeling
2. set aside a short time in a week to discuss any issues with your daughter or yourself e.g. Last school year a parent had a similar issue and would pop in on a Friday to discuss how things were going.

If it continues to be a major source of unhappiness for your child then I'd be calling the other parent in and seriously be reprimanding the other child.

Please please do something for your DDs sake

My DD1 had this situation almost from the first day onwards.Excluding a child is insidious, it is the most difficult form to deal with and probably the most damaging
.We didn't want to make too much of a fuss, .By the time she got into Y3 DD started asking to look at other schools so we started asking the school to do something.They said all the right things but actually did nothing.In Y4 DD became very clingyat home and would hardly speak to anyone outside the family and developed rashes and gastrointestinal problems.The GP told us they were stress related and we withdrew DD the same day.She looked round a few schools and we chose a very very small and very well run school.She almost instantly changed and blossomed.She kept saying things like'but WHY do all the children LIKE me mum ?'It was really really heartbreaking to realise just how low her self esteem had got and I blame myself terribly for not moving her sooner.
You may not need to take as drastic action if your school is bigger and theer are other friendship options for your DD.
But some children (like adults) are just got horrible.I don't think you can change someone's personality.They will feign oily friendship when an adult is near and notch up teh bullying as soon as they are not

Cimarosa: "HOwever, we've been back one day and already little girl is telling my DD not to 'tell tales' as this will make her unpopular and she'll get bullied. I know there is an element of truth in this, but I find this a very old fashioned attitude and feel that in this age bullying is completely unacceptable and needs nipping in the bud!"

If you are starting afresh this year then tbh I wouldn't consider what the other girl said to your dd to be a problem. You say there is an element of truth in it. Do you mean that your dd has been telling tales? Children of this age are pretty quick to dislike a child who will constantly run to a teacher for every little disagreement. I'm not saying this is what your dd has been doing but have you discussed coping strategies with her so that she can deal with some of the squabbles herself? My dd has often come home saying 'so and so wouldn't play with me' or 'so and so said my lunch bag was babyish' but I wouldn't class this as bullying. We've talked it through and I've given her some ideas to deal with it and so far she's been coping well and they're all learning important skills to cope with life. I don't want to belittle your dd's situation but it might be worth standing back before making a big issue so early on in the school year.

I may be attributing too much manipulation to a young child but if a child says "don't tell tales" etc it sounds to me as if they are ensuring that the bullied child feels they shouldn't tell an authority figure what's happening thus giving the bully a free rein.

My DD(also going into yr 3) has had two years of this happening to her which resulted in her moving class this year. The bully wanted to be her friend and wanted exclusivity of her. When my DD had enough of her controlling behaviour she went to play with other girls. The bully then started playing with her friendship group and started to exclude my DD. The school did what they could in class and the bullys mum saw no wrong in what her daughter was doing and encouraged it as she thought my DD was the bully. This happened all the way through year2, her teacher had meetings with the bullys parents and nothing was resolved. My DD started to feel isolated and didn't want to go school. My DD made good friends with another girl in the same year and this year has been moved class to be with her new friend. School doesn't start till Wednesday but she's much happier and looking forward to school. Keep informing the teacher of what is happening and if the bullying still continues, stick to your guns and keep pressing. encourage your DD to play with another group of girls and ask the teacher to sit her with other girls so she can expand her friendship group. All these worked for my DD to boost her confidence. Its difficult, but keep on informing the teacher. It will resolve itself!Good luck