Is it bullying if victim doesn't mind?

[RiverOfSleep]

DS's best friend has behaviour issues, in my opinion. They are just finishing reception year. Friend has recently (in last month) sharpened a stick and scratched DS (we only found out at bedtime when the wound was hurting), hit him twice full in the face with a bag, along with various more minor things.

DS is not the only one, this friend is rough in general (biting, pushing, shoving etc).

Friends parents are lovely but seem to me to be in denial and full of excuses - waiting for him to 'grow out of it' rather than getting someone to assess him for potential problems.

Anyway its his behaviour, its their problem - my concern is for my DS, who is a gentle shy soul and always forgives this child straightaway. He suggested that this child does stuff because 'maybe he only likes me a little bit '. Something happened at school and he didn't tell anyone because 'it wasn't a big deal' - which sounds like words put into his mouth tbh.

I really don't want my son to accept being hurt but he LOVES his friend, loves spending time with him, and just seems to put up with it.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here - just for thoughts/advice really. I love my son's kind nature but I hate to see him hurt.

School should be dealing with this totally regardless of what your ds says; it's a disciplinary issue, and they have the responsibility to keep your ds safe. Otoh it is not a given that a 4yo should be assessed because he hits somebody in the face, that depends. At this age, ds was regularly knocked down by one of his friends- and yes, the boy did grow out of it. It was not for me to say that he should have been assessed. Otoh it was for me to insist that the school should keep an eye on him in the meantime and do whatever it took to minimise the risks to my ds.

I would explain to your ds that he is not doing his friend any favours by keeping quiet. Tell him that his friend doesn't understand when he's hurting people and that he needs a teacher to help him- otherwise, he might end up hurting somebody seriously one day and getting into a lot of trouble. Make it clear that the best way he can help his friend is by calling an adult every time he or anybody else is hurt or frightened.

Your son sounds lovely.

I'd say speak to the parents and see if you can arrange all of you to get together for a nice social day, so they can observe how he is with your son. Also have a word with school and ask teacher to tell both mums when anything happens.

Thanks both. We see this child and his parents a lot out of school (most days) - they are aware of his behaviour but I don't think they sort of step back and see the overall picture - that it affects other children.

You're right its not my place to say he should be 'seen' by anyone but when it was suggested at an earlier age, they moved him from that setting, blaming the setting.

Good advice on things for DS to say, thank you.

Please Don't talk to the parents.
Go and mention it to ds's teacher.

The reason for thisd, is becasue my friend from school told me early on, that parents think that they can talk to eachother about tricky subjects, but it rarely works. Let the school deal with it. They should be monitoring this boy. Not just to protect your son, but for his own good and others.
Our teachers are so caring. very very subtle and discreet. But they are also very good at guiding children who are either not mixing well/ being over boisterous etc. guiding them into making new freindships. thay have a 'make a new freind week'. teacher pared my son with a boy she believed complimented eachother perfectly. and you know what. she was tright. as she was with many many other children who she paired - parents have told me so.
Plus, deep down you know thta the mother is in denial, so how is talking to her going to do any good.

Please let the school deal with this. I mentioned something tricky to another mum and it backlashed on me. I was shouted at, it got nasty. then my son was excluded fromt he gropup and the subsequent parties.

School rules are:
only talk to parents about nice things. if there is ever any problem, only discuss it with the school.

Believe me, you will benefit from following this.

Agree, you also need to work on your son, bless him he sounds like a poppet. and he is very young. but it is worrying when you don't understand why your child likes someone who appears to not treat them very well.
I had this. I very very gently tried to instill in ds1 that he was worth more than this. and tried to very subtly tell him how a good friend does treat you:
they take turns, wouldn't say nasty things, play your choice of game. " becasue you are a such a lovely boy, you deserve to have good friends". " yes muumy, i do", he said, with a big grin.

Meanwhile the school was also running a 'caring / how to treat our friends' type discussions.

It worked well, for all the children.

Thank you. I have spoken to school, lots of times, new teacher next year so it may be handled differently then anyway, and I don't discuss it with the other parents. Unless I am looking after him out of school and something happens then.

My main focus is on trying to get DS to feel that he is as important as anyone else and that he should not stand for it.

I have the same issue with a friend of my DS. DS says that he does not mind that this boy is mean to him and that he wants to be his friend. The school has been dealing with the childs behaviour, but my DS does not tell the teacher when this child hurts him because he does not want his friend to get into trouble!

What really worried me was when DS came home and said he 'liked' being hit by his friend!!!!! I think (and hope) that he just said this to make me feel better and less worried about him (did not work!!!).

Anyhow, we have agreed that this child can only come to play at our house if he has not hurt DS all week....and this seems to be working or maybe it is the child growing out of this behaviour.

Key is to ensure that your DS realises that it is the other child who has a problem - not him. We discussed with our DS why his friend might be hurting him and DS volunteered that he thinks it is because his friends daddy does not live with him any more and this makes him sad and when he is sad he hurts other people.....

Hi.

Talk to the school some more. Our DS was hit, punched etc for 18 months from starting reception. The school didn't want to call it bullying as said child also hit others! We tried talking to other parent who said "he doesn't tell me what he does in school so you should tell the school".

It has only gone quiet since we escalated it (after many talks with teachers and then the head) to the Chair of Governors.

This doesn't sound like bullying as such -- the child is doing it to everyone indiscriminately, no matter how much he likes them. But not being bullying doesn't mean it's OK. It's an unreasonable level of aggression and while there is still plenty of time for a reception-age child to grow out of it (how old is the boy, by the way? There was a pretty aggressive child in DS's reception class, but he was a late summer birthday and it was noticeable how much he improved over the course of the year so I think it was an emotional maturity issue) but I would keep talking to the school about your concerns and consider escalating further if the new Y1 teacher doesn't seem to be helping.

IMHO there is a difference between bullying & behavioural issues.

Both are serious & both need to be addressed by the school working with the parents in question as appropriate.

As the two children in this case do actually seem to be friends (most of the time ) then it's a behavioural issue. This may be lack of being taught how to behave by the parents, or lack of understanding of how to behave (where there may be other issues that need help too)

My DD had a similar issues with a boy at the start of the school year who she did actually like but was very rough with her (pinching, pushing, hitting etc) and other children too. As well as talking to the school (who I know through a friend of a friend had a number of meetings with the boy's parents), I taught her to say in a very loud voice "Please don't do that to me it's not nice" (we practiced it lots!) & to tell the nearest adult if he didn't stop. Said boy is much better behaved now, whether it's what the school said/did, or whether he's "grown out of it" (as boy's mother said he would) or whether he's worked out he won't have any friends if he's nasty to them I'm not sure...but it's worked.